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16 word games

2012-01-18T06:14:00.005-06:00

#1 words by sean

there he stood in stunning form
resolute in his calling
charging forth regardless of the odds
reaching deep within
screaming, raging searching for something...
finding nothing
missing everything
never seeing the complete image
a full house, and still he choses to discard.
clothed in his losings
contemplated the end,
scared that he would fight alone
worried he was to weak to be the eternal god of valor
not seeing him self as the ethereal king he is
to caught in his own illusions
to ever know the completion of my heart.

#2 words by sean

come into me beneath the layers of skin
above the sounding of midnight
beside the statues of our time....
somewhere between this moment and last
i will find you higher than i find my self
i will fall lower than i have gone
and we will live happier in this faster form
and we will be ageless in this slower hope...
left to look only in front
the back to far gone now to turn to
the left to far off the path
the right to long forgotten
now, in this love
in this tug and pull come and go feel of you
again i scream into the darkness
never wanting this to end

#3 words by sean

look upon my obsolete construction
see then, the regret in the eyes of my maker
the shame of his craft
he dreamed to sculpt me out of sure nothingness
and in winning his task, i am just that.
I am the lost and losing creation of the shadowed forgotten lands.
and I neater and either or and of no god.
I am the contemplation of a mad mans hands
fantastic at every curve
subject of longing
and caged in for an eternity unless...
smile sweet doll he says
overjoyed in his failure
and i dance underwhelmed for his praise
sad and alone in his shelter
his happy laugher my grave.

#4 words by sean

I beg you, make me involved in your winding limbs.
let the many single pricking thoughts coalesce into my heart, whole in prayer.
contentment at the spark of your words
tossing the tradition away and embracing you whole in this new path.
drowned and lifeless resuscitation brought thorough in your eyes.
a recital of tunes and notes strumming on the strings of my skin
the ambivalent wonder torn left only with the absolute.
were you to be my omnipotent Saviour
keeping me for the sake of enamorment
forgotten in a time not yet past
remembered in times long told
ordained in your church, on your steps
born new in religion
sacrifice young on you alter, laid out.
chasing le petit mort suicide on your toung.
the remembrance of a woven and sacred past and future in his hands.

#5 words by adam

deep into a well i lost my self, standing.
ive stood here as my life runs past
never knowing, never being known
never hearing, never being heard
siting dreaming of my wishes
a life time of what is
and hoping one day to win this game
ageing ageless as i fall out of sync
crazed and crazy lost in this pocket of time
laying no rest as i forget even the before
forget that i loved once.
i'll never wake now
i have no way to remember
to return to my youth
to play and interact with other
then i leap into the well unsure of the outcome.

#6 words by adam

neatly she folds into me
fair and graceful skin dances
verily the princess of this glade
explicit the mistress of this time
ravenous the hunger of her soul
she the moon godess him the elk king
the whole of reality is a bust
shooting down my hope like a pistol.

#7 words by sean

bury me my brother muslim deep into your blooded sands
sit with me my sister buddist and watch the clouds roll across the land.
run with me my fellow addict out into the sea,
and come and put your lip to mine so that we may be free.
no more disturb upon the difference,
return to a time before
before when intoxicate poppy kisses
came and brought the next score
breaking me down to obsessed and captured by my need
again i find my self running from the red dragon and his steed.
injure and need its liquid
to heal the breaking fail
never will i wake up with out you
always will i hear your wail
next time i may not out run you
the last pull on gear then fall.

#8 words by seth

I see you in the grayscale mesures of my mind
and i beg you believe in me,
in a forever of color that we could share
the hope of a lingering pin prick
the lust of your words in mine
of your eyes in mine
the ever present glare of wanting
wanting flesh to mingle
and ebb and flow
in the sound
of the incurable saturation and need.
break my isolation
of this rage and regret
the last place i have to rest
my soul in you soul combined
all i ever wanted and needed is you love yo.

the sun

2012-01-12T01:48:00.002-06:00

you are to me
the ever crashing falls of water
pouring down on my cold skin
smoothing away the flecks of dirt
and time that have rested on me so long.

you are to me
the breaking of morning
when light and sound and earth
become alive again,
reminding me of the promise of tomorrow.

you are to me
the ink well of my dreams
laying supply to my words
and my thoughts,
allowing me a way to breath
not so heavy and clouded in unsorted lines.

you are to me
the muse of a great artist
warning me in the flame and heat
of your touch as you pull me
as you push me to make more than i can.

you are to me
the very beginning and the end
that come and play outside of time
in the forever of my love
always, in my heart.

apologies fall slient

2012-01-10T08:17:00.000-06:00

I fumble through my days
scared and nervous of every interaction i must make.
ashamed of my truths
desperately trying to hide from the world
that no one will see me.
that no one will now how many things ive done wrong.
things, i cant accept in my self.
shames and regrets i cant look past in the mirror.
and so i lie.
and i steal from times when things were better,
i replay the memories of what was good on my face
so people see that good, so no one sees me.

they shouldn't know,
how weak i am.

they shouldn't know
how much i need to run away screaming inside from my self.

they should just see me smile, im fun.
im weird, but happy.

they cant know.

and in fumbling occasionally i find a person
that i feel safe with, in ways.
that i can stop stealing from my past and be in the
horrible now, in the dark and murky now
that i dont lie to.
that i dont hide from.

fumbling i fnd a real person.
a human... in a crowd of lies.

and i exist.

i spend so much time not existing,
i forget how.

i fail and fall and then,
i hide again.
ashamed at my lack of ability.
ashamed of my scars
ashamed of my shame.

when i hide behind his large frame, he cant see me as i am.
I am shadowed in is shade
he will not know me in the now.
if he did he would run not stay.
they run, because i run.
if he knew...
he would be hurt
so i remain silent.

but here you were
a person, existing not like him
a different form of safe.
safe to speak..
but my words are clumsy
and they mean more and less than they say.
i layed out trust
and smeared in in violent blunt tear drops.

and then i broke it against my self.

and then i fell

and then i begged.

and then, i fumbled in regret
unable to pull back the memories to play a smile on my face.

fffffffffffff (will sp latter maybe prob not)

2012-01-10T06:40:00.003-06:00

look at me now,
here in this place of constant time caging.
let go all the need
sated in the pennies and dimes i collect from the wrath of demand
can i be free i beg,
2 hours left
can i be free?
i will never.
what is life if not a cage?
i am caged to not say,
to never say
how i feel under my skin
under my smile...
how i burn in desires for pleasure,
how i need to sate
in drug and wine the many pinpricks of my mind.
and my mind wonders
down long roads covered in ink and scars
tripping pulling screaming
riping asunder all i held dear in my youth
to old now to hold
to trapped
in iron unworked and cold.
i am listful.
i have numbers in place of my thoughts,
and hopeless.

where is my sun.... to warm my skin.

for

from ashes ++ will sp latter

2011-04-08T02:15:00.003-05:00

will you see me,
sitting in the shallow water of my little dreams...
waiting for...
for something to happen.
a little happiness that's all ive ever wanted
and i have looked,
i have looked everywhere
across the world ive thrown my soul about
walked and hiked and swam and ran and marched and crawled...
i have.
and i grew so old.
I aged so much.
I forgot so many things.
But, I never grew up.
I never wanted the world like you do
I never wanted shinny things,
Just warm things
Love things,
Sex and pleasure and passion things
I just wanted to be the first thought and the last thought
of one other person... or persons
I wanted...
I loved you.
I loved her,
I love him...
And here I sit in this water
sitting and drinking..
And filling my self again on youth..
Growing backwards twords a happy memory...
a memory of my self in your eyes when i smile and play...
when i giggle and you...
The morning sun... my love
you have woken me up...
brought me up
built me from ashes.

poems from the drive home from burning man

2010-09-11T19:44:00.002-05:00

Come here child and rest your body in the chill and reprive of my oasis
replinish your spirit and fill your self of inspired dreams and passions
touch here and lay in the wine staned sheets of my bed
drink and be full in exastacy, in joy
be new, be born, be life,
and find that it is not in my pleasure i scream and gasp, and moan
but in the sight of your eyes your breath your sweat and cum,
it is those, that i come here and stand before you demanding.
look into me and see how full i am, too over spill
take then some of my excess passion and make it your own,
and in that moment know how much i love you.
i love, and desire and want you.
let me fill you with all that passion, so built up in my skin
let me bring you too, to the point of break,
full and sated in my wine, and in my drugs
lay here my brother, my child, my love
and i will push you out of the night
i will paint the blue stars golden and i will show you the sun

\\\\\\\

to kate

lay here waking beauty,
little framed godess of the mornign fun cripled by last nights adventures
but more beautiful than anyone.
and as the sun starts rising, and the water desire grows,
shake and tremble like the beautiful buding rose.
and in your moments of desire
be true and be strong
and let the passion roll over you as were it never wrong,
and you will be so beautiful to bring men and women to one knee
they will beg and bother to catch a glipse of your beautiful dancing free
and in the subble curves of your breast and colour in your skin
you make a little poet run out of words to describe the many sins
the ways that one could touch you
to make you make the sounds you do,
the taste and the smell and the passion id find wraped up in you,
and as the sun set and i crawled into your bed
i could not shake the image sturing in my head.
so out here it flow in the moments of this week,
i try to find the words but all of them seem weak
i have no way to say all the beauty that you are
or the things id do if this went very far...
but i can say that it is true, you are beautiful and there should be 1000 poems writen of you.

\\\\\\\\

muse

rapture me,
and bring me shaking to the ground
in the tight twisting body
in the gasping panting sound
take up by body and turn the world around.
desire me,
as i were all the woman in the word
for the moment that you see me
and the short time this existis
bring me to my knees in pleasure and in bliss.
inspire me,
and i will for ever be yours
untill the day you dont want me
i will come to match your passion with my words

\\\\\\\\

muse be gone

my hands are old now
dry and scared and gray
they touch the wire as tho it will roll away
my hands are clumbsey now
they fumble and they fail
they dont know how to make and they have forgoten how to sail
my hands are tired now,
soar and worn and used
they can not be an artist becuse they have more moer muse

\\\\\\\\\\\

to the morning

Part I - the stary blue

this darkness comes and touches me
it makes me scared and it makes me cold
this darkness, it is loney
and i fear it is here in the isolation of the night
that i will die alone.
its been so long that i have locked my sin away
i have kept it at starving and let the colors all grow to gray
and now i fear and wory that i will for ever be that way.
i think that i may be broken to far beyond repair
this darkness is growing soon they gray will be black
and then there will be no hope of tunring back

Part II - the keeper of the light

(unfinished will post latter)

and be here when i get home

2010-06-29T03:47:00.003-05:00

its the cold rustling rage that fills me

that cuts deep into my bones

and makes me leak out these burning tears

i dont want to make these choices

choices for things that will never work

things that will betray me

that will betray you

what if the moon rises and i stay by its side for all my life

will the sun never shines on me again

what if the heart mends and the soul betters

will i never know the smile of the morning

will you be betrayed golden sunshine

if the night heals and im whole in my life as it is?

i dont want to change this world

but it cant stay this way forever

dreams

2010-06-25T18:23:00.002-05:00

here comes the dawn,

crawling up over my body as voices and noises stir

stay here my love

tucked tightly warm in this desert of heat

warm in this burning fire of fear

stay with me now,

let us never wake

let us never stir as your body rests against mine

rest here now,

in this moment of peace

a break for the war the rages on in my life

you are my oasis come true

you are the man built of dream stuff and clouds

you are the sun coming out in the night,

that i may never fear the dark again...

i love you my golden sunshine

i miss you every second my sky is overcast and you are away from me...

never leave and i will always stay

a beautiful thing (will sp lattr )

2010-04-12T20:05:00.002-05:00

to each new morning,

i rise and meet a world with out you.

i miss the smell of your skin,

the corked twist of your grin

the age of your hands

the weathered feathered framing of your eyes,

but tucked safe into my heart

i keep all the beautiful moments of our shared life...

Siting in the kitchen drinking tea,

the happy expression you gave twords me

as i told you tails from my dreams and day

you sat and listened and in

my mind, and in my heart those seconds of time,

make up for all the time apart

they were beautiful moments

where no one told us so,

how to be we were free to go...

i remember laying on the beach

the sand brusling my toes and the wind tickling my feet

and you siting there under the shade of a tree

watching and protecting me...

and that second i saw you seeing me,

it was a beautiful thing...

i remeber so many beautiful perfect seconds of time....

that i could begin to try and list them in this ryme...

but i do know,

that you showed me somethign true

that the memory of beauty

will carry me through, all the may times

and days and years

that you are not here to wipe away my tears....

as we age and begin to decay

its better to remeber the percet memory ofour best and most beautiful days...

shadows and blood ++

2010-03-19T13:17:00.002-05:00

Come with me into the shadows of my soul,
find me there a broken doll
Lifeless and cold in the sunless world
Know then, the sun will never rise for us again
And we will spend an eternity here in the dark
I will call out,
But I will never hear you speak my name again
Alone in this cold world to far gone for anyone to save me
I will die this way
For ever forgotten to the world
For ever longing to reconnect
My soul is lonely now…

Come with me into the shadows of my past
find me there with paper skin
Threadbare and empty from to much use
Know then, I will have nothing left to sell
And I will spend an eternity dead inside my delicate frame
I will cry out
But no one will hear my words,
My lips to chapped and my heart to empty to put any life into my lungs.
I will die this way
For ever wishing I was still a poet
For ever dreaming I was still human
My past is empty now…

Come with me into the shadows of my dreams
find me there a child’s sand and glass castle
Shining and flawed in its construction
Know then, I will bring you to this place
And pan will piper us into a forever of illusion where nothing is real.
I will dream,
The darkest nightmare monsters to life…
And we will run forever from them just like I do from the white dragon.
I will die this way
For ever running from the daemons we cant see
For ever hiding under the blankets
My dreams are tainted now…

Come with me into the shadows of my blood,
Find me there a crying god
Rageful and loving in my completion
Know then, I will turn no other cheek
And I will spend forever wishing I had never chosen to with you
I will cut,
And violate my holy temple
Craving out pound after pound of flesh so that I can live a new life with out you.
I will die this way
For ever the only one with my name
For ever tied by contract to the darkest things
My blood is demonic now…

Come with me my child of a man into the shadows,
Look not back from where we began
For it no more is real to this world
Kiss my neck as I slide the needle into my vein
And watch me rattle as I die in your arms
You don’t know me now,
As I seek fill the void of my existence.

tears (a poem will sp latter)

2010-03-12T02:36:00.000-06:00

lay here now sweet child
and be a man to me,
hold me now
in this second of inescapable vulnerability
i am weak against your touch
i am crippled in your eyes
and i am heartbroken in your lips.

i am nothing more than a frail doll
made of porcelain and paper mache.
i melt under the rain and i dry to cracking in the sun
so lay here with me
and never let me go.
keep then this memory for when your bruised and torn
keep all my love and horde it all away
because the sun is burning and a storm is on its way

Be a man sweet boy,
grow up now.
theirs no time left and its taken me this long somehow
to say the words
with my lips against your ear
I love you more than my self,
and I regret all my fears.
Hold me as I give my self to you,
In ways so much deeper than the skin
I will lay in your arms and let you watch me cry,
As I feel time is drawing to an end.

a dandylion war yet to be begun (a poem will sp latter)

2010-03-09T13:45:00.001-06:00

bring me out into the sun
be the rain and the morning young
be my dreams that are coming true
and id regret that i am falling in love with you.
be the wish my lips do speak
and the lover who is strong but weak
take your hands and trace my skin
you are an artist
writing poetry of our sin
you are my muse my words and my soul
warped up in pleasures in the morning gold
you are the yes and not no and go
you are the everything that i do that's untold

and when the demons come and fight in
you are the voice that brings me back again
you were the memory that tied me to this world
and with out you i might be lost in the swirl
i want to hold you and kiss you again
i want your naked body melting against my skin
i want your sweat, your lust and your fuck
but more than that i want the sound of your love

I dream of your eyes stairing out in the cold
callign and beging me to unfold
I dream of your voice smiling to say
all the words that I dream I will hear one day.
I dream you think im beautiful
I dream you think im smart
I dream that you love me more than at the start
I dream your hands and I dream my skin
and when i wake i dream to find you again

rattle and shake, and break down the wall
you came at a bad time
and you saved us all
I was dieing and weak, i was scared and alone
I had given up on pleasure and happiness and gold
but now i am new and full of life
and you are the reason ive battles the strife
and who would have guessed it would come from a boy
so young and beautiful to cause so much joy

bring me out into the coming sun
let me rest and let me run
give me reasons to stay and i will never leave
i will hold you tight in my sleeve
and my heart will be yours,
if not in whole then in half
and that half will burn bright enough to last
till tomorrow and through today
and possibility even another day.

For you i would an anything
just be like the morning
and set me free to sing.

truffles and bon bons with a cup of tea

2010-03-04T19:03:00.000-06:00

be the dreams of my world
the soft blanket of my nightmares
come and lay with me
in the soft bendy pipecleaner ocean
I will wisper secret desires
that come pouring out from my slumber
of sculpting and molding your body with my fingers
i will dive deep into the pools of your hands
and learn to swim a new...
be here as i charge forward into the forest
i never could see you from the trees
and now, i just want to know you.
for what ever that means

pipe cleaners

2010-02-09T23:03:00.004-06:00

make me young again,
like i was long ago.
bring life into the dying soul
make the cliter clack of my yesterdays
the sound chiming mole
dig out and root up all the many dreams of gold.

make me vibrant again,
like i remember i was.
bring new rains to dry fields that can
grow grow grow.
the sound of new growth
brings laughter to my soul.

make me stay a wilder for ever
that i will never need to burn out
let me know, now in this moment
I chose to fight my way out!
I will not lay down
and take the coming tide,
I will move forward with power and stride
Oh my little fuzzy friend,
I promises its true,
Its sad it took me so long to remember you.

fire ready aim, the yellow morning

2010-02-09T02:34:00.001-06:00

Be like the yellow lit morning in my mind
cream and cool my life
mix and stir making love an aromatic memorie
come to the morning dew,
kiss sweet a new the dandelion fields
of a checkered Cheshire cat.

riddle me 1000 probabilities
and i will solve out the 1000 ways
to gasp...
for life...
as i dive deep into a world which has not been.

rattled in tattled in yesterdays sin
i wait on the coming sun
which promises to make all the roses cry
in the bitter after frost of sensation.
fire, aim, ready
for this new life
for these brief moments
for all that will ever matter in this,
12 seconds of bliss.

run into the open arms of the long seconds of tomorrow
i will have you,
and you will have me.
and in the ever flowing chaos that is life,
be tomorrow for me tonight
and i will thank you.
kiss me gently,
and i will give you all the passion burning n my skin...
be for me the yellow lit morning and i will rise to meet you.

brownies from heaven and cookies from hell

2010-02-03T01:52:00.002-06:00

like the yester-days-morrow,
kiss and kick me into the shapes of a man,
so i can love you my dearest song.
Build me for the wars to come
sing me for times to go
Charging over unsated dandelion fields.
I will love you,
My Sacred Goddess,
my forever moon and the tide who comes.
This place is so built of key strokes
and C litter clatter I can no more find the paths that Ive lost
And So no more can I be near you.
and time will come and pass as it goes
we will age and tell war story's of our forgotten woes
I will say one day i till take up again
the treasure fof my heart, the sword who slew them
all the things you were
And the things you dreamed,
The beatnik butter cups
And the dandelion savages
The raving bluebells
And the troll sunflowers
The wild tiger lilies
All come and gone before through you.
Lay down then at this Shrine Goddess and Song,
There is not end.
There is no other world
There is no heavens
There Is no choice….
I can not, not chose to not be Wrong.

16 words: from martin and shin

2010-02-02T19:04:00.001-06:00

be as the BAT
perched there on the PILLAR of my youth
SPIKE and prod my heart
for FRIENDSHIP
EARWAX coded candle flames
nip and prick my fingers for HEALTH
burn away my skin like smoldering RUBBER
i want to be SIXTEEN again
not so ROOT bound in this pot
i want to dance on the pool TABLE
RUNNING away from all the tentacle monsters of my past
slurping NOODLES trying, crying to
remember all my many NAMES as i age
as i FUCK as i punch as i bite
not the pink POODLE princess anymore
i am only your SACRIFICIAL goddess

love me as you walk to dream

2010-01-24T16:25:00.001-06:00

for all the sins of my past,
kiss me tight hold me fast
for all the wrongs of my mind
make me last know your mine
be like wind
be like air,
blow me dreams deep somewhere
be like you've always been
somewhere deep in my darkest sin
touch my body as i sleep,
blow my mind make me meek
tell me all the rules are wrong
break my heart so i'll grow strong
forever and a day you left
and would not let the lovers rest
jealousy and rage ensue
even when i never knew
and now your here next to me
whispering all the things i can not see
and now you here to touch my hand
even in some other land
bridge the darkness and share the pain
and all the world will be like rain
wash away tomorrows sin,
so we will be whole to start again.
You will be my eyes of night
shining in the ever bright
you will wake the sleeping dreams
that scream to remove my angel wings
we will fall to earth reborn even in a mortal form
and all the things we could not do,
you will whisper can be true.

dreamer

2009-11-29T13:05:00.002-06:00

dream for me my summers gone,
dream for me my winters kept.
dream and i will remember...
and i will not regret.
I can not regret the cold winds
who came to kiss us there
out under the mirrored buildings
far from others stairs.
I will not regret the almost
that our lips so firmly spoke
I almost loved you
and so my heart almost broke.
time will come and pass us
we will stay the same
the leaves will fall and wither
and our souls will grow weak and lame.
and with our broken heartache
and with our broken soul
we will go on fighting as time
begins to slow
we will be the timeless warriors
we will be the starving saint
we will be the lost and lonely
as the sun drys up and the canvas is left blank
no more colors to paint with
and no more words to speak
dream of me my child
and i will be the keeper of those who weep

our wedding vows

2009-08-02T06:21:00.004-05:00

L:
be like always
and ever
kiss and hold and love me.
your love.
my love.
our love.

d:
the love we share,
I will be good for you...
and you will inspire me to be better
I will be perfect in your eyes
even with my flaws.

l:
i will change the stars and re-a-line the world
to make room for our love
You give me soil to let me dreams grow
and you give me the will to plant them

d:
be like always,
and ever.
i forgive you.
i forgive you now for ever hurt you haven't caused
and every one will.

l:
I will remember our love
when things are hard,
When the light seems dim and Rage out ways passion

d:
And I will remind You I love you,
Even tho the words don't need to be said
I will smiled while I see your eyes brighten at there sound.

l:
I will always be here beside you,
Because I love you

d:
Always and Ever
I love you.

poem - ribbon

2009-08-02T06:12:00.002-05:00

were i a ribbon dancing in the wind
would you stop 2 watch me dance
sliding through
around
and within
the fingertips
of your scorn and wrath
as i warped my self within
would you sit and listen
to all the sounds from beginning to end
that you have so long been miss given
and as the sound made great light
and thoughts came to christen
the child that you lost one day
when you let the wind take your last ribbon

were i a ribbon playing in the wind
would you stay and watch me play
would you let your dreams resound
and revisit all the the things they usta say
would you slay the coming stillness
and fan the wind to keep the flow
would you fear the quiet coming
or let go of fear and watch me go
in and out
and falling breezes
these things can never last you say
but in all the world somewhere
there's a wind who begs you play
play and be forgiven
of all sin and of all guilt
go and be a ribbon made from the finest silks
be like the somewhere ever
that you can one day say
if i were a ribbon i would find only joy in every day.

True blood mmmm http://www.tvbump.com/true-blood-season-2-episode-1

2009-06-25T11:02:00.001-05:00

http://www.tvbump.com/true-blood-season-2-episode-1
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

IMG00551-20090604-2142.jpg

2009-06-04T22:20:00.000-05:00

Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

To the rain

2009-04-18T19:37:00.000-05:00

Wash my heart when all my sins are done that I can rise to meet the coming sun. Cool my feet after I have gone the length and fill my mouth with cool fluid drink. Reach my dreams that my dreams be done and I will ner turn from you to run run run...... Come and lay your body deep in mine and for all the storms to pass ill invest the time
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

With my hopes

2009-04-12T11:44:00.000-05:00

With my hopes
I set u free
With my love
I let you live
With my dreams
I break you new
With my sleep
I give you life
With my body
I sate your needs
With my mind
I bring you faith
With all of me
I live my life
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

to winter my lover (a poem will sp latter)

2009-03-15T20:09:00.002-05:00

to winter my love,
sweet kisses the iced dew upon your brow
to the clean and brutal snows my lover
so warm and safe with in the fire of my heart
low within the burn of your cold
I've know this winter,
so fresh as summers rain
so welcoming like springs laughter
so beautiful as autumns fall.
to winter my love,
you and your unseelie ways
make passion beat and love reworded
make it something different and new,
so unknown to us,
so unsafe to us,
so welcoming.
to winter my muse
muse upon me the moon sheeted ocean of white and glitter
i love you for whatever tomorrow means
i love you for whenever tomorrow brings
my love.
my lover.
to winter we march,
so soon will it pass...
keep me warm in this winter so that spring may come again.

bruised wings (will sp latter)

2009-03-03T14:14:00.003-06:00

I love him like the changing waters,
the ever flow of my stars.
i love him as i love no other
never to depart very far,
i love him as he holds me tight
to tight to ever let go
i love him as he kisses me sweet
more sweet than one should ever know
i love him as he rages and roars
keeping far all the fears of night
i love him when he comes home to me
speaking words of love and might
i love him like the changing winds
the ever fall of broken wings
he heals my heart of all its sins
he lets my soul sing.
i love him as the world moves on
and on and on and on
i love him like the changing sun
the ever coming dawn
i love him in the shallow water
cooling my tired feet
and i love him now and for for ever
since the day we first did meat
i love him all my heart can muster
i love him more than i am able to
i love him as the desert does water
and for ever more i'll need him too.
he is my angel of bruised and broken
healed in love and in kind
he is the savior of the chosen
put here to sooth my troubled mind
he is the only hope of laughter
when all darkness does consume
i love him, and in my heart
there is no more room.

Wanderlust revisited. (blue txt from an old post blak txt is new)

2008-08-14T23:47:00.004-05:00

Samsara is for Buddhists who choose to dedicate them selves to truth, one unchangeable unbendable truth and find out that truth is liquid.

If home is where the heart is, I must lack a heart. If I have no heart, how could I love, how could I hate, How could I cry how could anything that I do so naturally? If home is what I seek could I not just return from where I come from? In 5 weeks exactly I have been in Albany for a year. I have all ready missed my run, as it is always at same time, clockwork. If I seek to see the math, if I seek to find the pattern in what I am naturally, If I seek to find my self should I change my patterns or simpily how I see my self in them and then change my self? I have not disappeared; the large sum of money I am spending to make my migraines go away is what has kept me here. If I seek only to sustain my self, food and shelter, then am I not freer than I have ever been dreaming of white picket fences in other people’s yards? There is a part of me that cries from under my skin for the truth of life I find when I run, when I wonder. There will always be some part of me that seeks the new, that seeks the birth, the creation of life. There will always be some part of me that wants to know the world. I believe I am a child of my times, A child. I believe that I have seen the wonders of different cultures and different peoples and different languages and religions and rights and wrongs through the digital God. How do you define your self, how do you know you are strong, how do you know anything at all. You know when you test your self. You know you are when you believe it to be true. You know it more when you forget and you have been reminded. So long I have searched for the answers to these questions, and so many others. And perhaps I will search forever, and perhaps I simply need to decide for my self that I know and stop searching, but now is not the time for that. Is there a god, am I loved, does life have meaning… Perhaps the only meaning in life, is what we as humans what we as animals give it.

What I know today to be true, what I see tomorrow could be different, Perhaps the only truth to be had is what I believe in today, Knowing that truth is liquid… knowing and accepting the random and intentional change of my truth, all truth. All the many questions of my mind and of general existence will never be answered, but what little truth I have known I have known in the moments of my run. I have known truth only through chaos, so chaos so far has been my only truth. The only thing that I know is that tomorrow things may be different. Tomorrow Is the only absolute and it is always undiscovered. I have seen the worse and the best of life, I live in a quarter million dollar house, I do not need for anything, I have seem the worst in the best of life, I have been idle in my mind, I have been accepting to the ins and outs of what I should desire, and In all truth I have no love for things that are not soaked in unpredictably. A story who’s ending can be guessed at is not one worth telling, so then it is not worth living. I do not know where I might be in 3 years, 3 months, 3 days, 3 hours, 3 minuets from now from this very moment. And, that truth is beautiful, that truth excites me. I am no longer afraid of what is unknown. I no longer think I need to know to move forward. Someone a few days ago told me an old Russian proverb that went something as follows “the only thing worse than walking down the wrong path is to keep going on it.” I choose to follow the path of today, and so I will never be on the wrong path for long. there is nothing here in this house to make it my home however. I was born in San Diego California, which is not my home I do not remember it I did not even live there a year. I have lived in Texas, Washington state, Organ, California, BC, Louisiana, West Virginia, Hawaii, New York, and probably other places which I am forgetting to list, and in all of them I have not a home. I have found a home more than I ever could have believed to be true. I have found something to love, and I have seen how it could be eternal. I have felt home in only a few moments of my life... I know, what I have not ever until yesterday and the days before it, I know that tomorrow the roots may be ripped away from me, but today I have it and tomorrow I can remember I did so it’s possible to have it again. I have felt real and alive only in moments that could break a person. I have been dead, bound by my laws bound by what I though I should be. I have been ugly because I have felt ugly, I have been Stupid because I have felt less than others, I have imposed others views on my self, and In many ways I still do, but I can see now that that dose not matter, I am as beautiful, and smart and god like as I Choose to be. Have you almost died before? Yes. I could be dead 5 minuets from now so what is worth anything more than the happiness of now? The air smells so sweet right after you almost die; you suck it into your lungs holding on to it never wanting to be parted from it, never threatened in never smelling it again. I lived in fear, I am fearless. I see no end so I have no end to fear. I see only that things might change and it might be good and it might be bad, but regardless there will always be tomorrow. Maybe not for me but, maybe that dose not matter. Have you ever been hungry? Yes, I have hungered for love, truth, acceptance, understanding and conformity. Not hungry because you were to lazy to make food, not hungry because you don’t get paid for 3 more days and all you have left is peanut butter… the kind of hungry I mean it is the hunger you feel when you have no home, Home is an illusion, and so is hunger. I now know what it means to sate my self. when you are someplace strange to you and you must rely solely upon the kindness of strangers, you must rely on chance. it is in this hunger you under stand how beautiful the world is, you understand how things are out of and entirely in your control and after food will always taste better. And in this sating my hungers is a good way to pass the time. In this I see that tomorrow my sources for happiness for debate for stimulation for food and for shelter may be moved, and I will need to find them again and I will always have them inside my self If I can learn to change things. its been a year and still every time I eat I want to cry because I know how lucky I am to have food to eat. Tears are often wasted in a time of drought, though I had enough money to provide me food and to provide me shelter, I would rather again starve than to think and dwell on what was than to look to tomorrows change. Have you known fear? Real pure fear, fear for your very existence and kept going? I know now, that I must learn to fear nothing. And that when I do I might be more complete, I might be more insane, but I will be something different and still the same, or perhaps it will change nothing. Only tomorrow or tomorrows tomorrow will know and I am not there yet. I have, and it is why I have never tried to kill my self. But not why I never will. I know, I know that there is nothing in this world that can stop me; There is, and it is only my self and my mind. I know I can survive because I always have. I know I can survive because I still am, I do not know when that will stop, but frankly I do not care. That knowledge is more of a comfort that any god, lover or friend I have ever had. Knowledge is the best God, the most sacred friend and the source of many peoples fear, and I hope one day not the source of mine. Why, why do I run, because I have no choice. I run because I can and because it excites me. I run because the constant new stimulus has brought me here. Because, I do not deny my heart, Because I will not deny my own will. because somewhere I must have a home.. Because there are 1000 undiscovered homes. Because no drug, illegal or otherwise will ever make me feel as alive as I feel when I find freedom in my wanderlust.

Because no Drug illegal or other wise can do to my brain, to my perception anything that I can not teach my self to do without it. I am free in my change, and in my quest. I am happy.

New desktop

2008-07-19T21:14:00.002-05:00

:) original photo here : http://ariellerohan.blogspot.com/2008/07/tourism.html

prayer

2008-07-18T13:34:00.003-05:00

Come now.
come watch me pray
I will call out the wind
I will call out the stars
I will call out to the moon, and the sun
I will pay the price for the trade I offer,
Take you Old Gods,
Take you Gods of Earth and of Dust
Take of me my life,
I offer to you my pound of flesh,
I offer to you my Precious blood...
I offer you the years I have left to live
I offer you my Youth that I will grow older faster
I pay now.
I pray for safty
I pray for protection
I pray for a reweaving,
I am God.
I am Fate.
I am the Creator.
Let me be.
Let me be again connected to the core of my soul,
Of all life,
Let me be the Wind that I can blow whispers of comfort
Let me be the Stars that I may Watch the nights and light the unlit
Let me be the Moon that I may guard a womans body
Let me be the Sun that I may Guard a mans a well.
I call to you
I call to me
I call in ancient languages
I speak your name,
i speak my own name
Come,
Come watch me pray.

hes in everyway what he is not (poem will sp latter)

2008-06-23T21:30:00.002-05:00

in every way he is,
the acting reality of my dreams,
the fruition of my prayers,
the coming of my tide...
he is the sate to my desire
he is the flame of my smoke
the thunder of my cloud
the bogyman and my guardian angel.

in every way he is,
the one i want to age in
the one i want to believe will work,
the reward of trying....
somehow sexual satisfactions
somehow where i need him
somehow the coming nightmare
my somehow corrupt Saviour.

and i love him.

oi

2008-06-04T00:07:00.001-05:00

oi i am tired.
someone click this thing!

creature of show

2008-03-03T02:56:00.002-06:00

i am a creature of show, i dance behind the mirrors i delicately lay out for the world to see me through, sometimes i am beautiful others ugly, tall and thin and mis formed and imposable to chase down in my maze... so much so sometimes i forget which reflection is my own. I dream of someone one day taking the effort to smash and break every mirror, to walk over the broken glass and through the dust to find me... i suppose for that to happen though i would have to exist outside of my reflections... its been so long i think i have become the glass.
does he love me? will i be his wife, the mother to his children, will i live in his home? will he ever touch me again... its so hard to know. i don't know. i don't know if i should. i am lost somewhere far beyond my self.
he sleeps, or jests to sleep now beside me, breathing heavy... not for me just because he smoked to many cigarettes i am sure. will he kiss me when i am done with this and i lean in to whisper i love you... maybe... probity naught more than a peck.
i miss being sated... i think more than anything else in the world... that none of those things will ever happen if he dose not start to touch me on a more regular basis...

there she lay

2008-03-03T02:43:00.003-06:00

there she lays, looking on the kitchen counter of the perfect postcard to her perfect world. shes getting older, this becomes more real to her every second she is no more the child she once was, and she may never be again... i know lets play a game of truth, do you know if i am a lie when i say you are the only reason i would ever return to the place i distaste so much. do you know your sweet lips are the reason i could bear to wake through the frigid cold my soul feels there. she looks down at the picture, waking up beside him as she has every other morning. they are not a tryst but a love, a deep and sad love that she knows there is no place for. nothing so beautiful. would he hurt her in the dream, he would never stray he is so perfectly flawed and so beautiful when he is angry, even there she finds pleasure in his rage... beautiful soft cream rage against her dark skin. his body the perfect pitch to her own note. the picture... would it be anything, would life be anything like the picture in her mind. would he hold her at night when she cried, would he tell her her hips are beautiful would he kiss her like she was the only woman in the world he had ever truly loved. would he get on one knee and say, i want you now i want you always come to me come and stay with me. would he know when she was scared, would he help when she was ill. would he appreciate the things she did for him, would he appreciate the fact that she spell checked this before she posted it... would he ever think of her when she was not around... would he dream at night of her laying under him the ocean swimming behind them... would he be moved by her midnight ranting, he will probity never read them.

he has good words

2007-11-26T15:55:00.001-06:00

welcome to the beautiful -delirim of my dreams
where -emaculate rooms lay host to my fancys.
white carpets stained in the blood of fallen -pomegranets.
I never venture outside these walls where the -bubonic trees are
tainted.
all the actors, -naive dolls pulled and tugged
I scoff at them, and there not knowing I am there master.
but every one of them is made from a -sliver of my heart.
my heart in 1000 peices.
hide mr away in the hills of cornwall, in my acient -fogou.
keep mr out of the -rigorofic winds.
I an the one who comand my -geis upon my self to never let me free.
I keep the secoret maps of me away from the world, hidden in the -
linhay.
the walls of my heart are built out of -unobtanium stacked 1000 feet
high
and embeded with -caltrops.
the faces of my dolls begin to take on a bit of -gurning.
the delirim turning and growing, my -abacot grows heavy under the
pressure.
I am tuning low on -vril, soon it will be gone to me.
how can one live a -honorifabitudinitatibus life in these walls?
my heart so broken 1000 times I fear the love who calls in the -digamy
of this ring.
the night comes cold as the trees scream and the -dydlers dance in the
sky.
your beautiful lies are -esculent and they clam my hunger and fear for
now.
inside my world, everything is broken.

rest a while ++

2007-11-06T01:09:00.000-06:00

be like always
and be like never
kiss and hold and beat into me with passionate hate,
your love.
my love.
the only love I deserve.
come crawling up over my body.
I will be good for you...
i will make my self better.
I will be perfect for you...
i will change the stars and re-a-line the world to make room for your heart.
give me a change
and a chance to make it.
give me the time i need to break old habbits.
i always wanted to stop biting my nails.
be like always,
like you were when you raged against my passion
when you said say it baby...
and when i said it.
be like you enjoyed me and like you wanted my love.
be like you wanted me...
and i will forever stay in my heart
i will forever stay in my body
i will never leave you here.
be like you were in the morning
be like you were when you couldn't touch me...
hit me and beat me and make me cry in your eyes
i forgive you.
i forgive you now for ever sin you haven't committed and ever one you will.
everything is inevitable.
you are the catalyst...
the changing revolutionist...
be like always
in love, in hate and passion in un-interest and indifferent cold snow...
i know this snow,
and i remeber how it burns...
burn again away the ice...
come rest awhile in my hands
come stay a while in my heart.
if i said lets leave tonight would you?
.... remember you speak the truth.

linger on my lips....

2007-09-23T13:57:00.000-05:00

can i please,
no harder...
now..
thank you..
dream liquid sound melting into my hands shaking,
and tremblinging them to lose sight of the room
lose sight of the floor
and float in a world of colors and air pockets...

he came over me

2007-09-23T13:26:00.000-05:00

he came over me,
his hands..
as though he had all ready known my body
as if he had sculpted my skin with his own self.
he rolled and quaked
and he pushed and pulled
every right piece and never fell
and never faltered
and i couldn't breath not for air
but for my breath was stolen away in his eyes.
his hands larger than mine his body over me
my wrists held down..
he slowly moved
he leaked ow over my breasts
he flowed down over my belly
he ran up against my inner thighs..
and
and...
he..
oh.. god..
he..
breathless.
and he took my hand and lead me away
he rinsed me of our sin
be kissed and baptized me
he lead me to god..
to bliss
to, enlightenment
and then, he was gone...
he came over
and he came over me.

my new dog!

2007-09-22T20:58:00.001-05:00

got an lj

2007-09-22T03:52:00.000-05:00

http://troenstar.livejournal.com/

got an lj.
its the last link in my links
something like
"another place of my writing of less art and more bite" i think...

a new desktop...

2007-09-12T19:42:00.000-05:00

preparing for a new game release tomorrow !
heavenly sword
(click the name of this post for a blank image)

Charming. ++

2007-08-30T23:35:00.000-05:00

Time passes,
Beauty is ageless.

She was beauty,
Cut from the finest diamond.
She was perfection,
Never weeping always smiling.
She brought men to there keens,
She made women follow suit.
She was beauty, once.
There was no thing, or person
Beauty could not demand be hers.
Nothing was out of her reach,
Because she was beauty.

Time passed,
Nothing changed.

And beauty never aged,
And beauty never changed,
And beauty out grew lovers,
And beauty never loved
Love was to flawed for her,
So she could never have it
Beauty is perfection, after all
And she was beauty.

Time passed,
Nothing changed.

Beauty woke one night
And she was no more beauty.
she loved,
she lost her perfection.
she was no more beauty,
but human.
She dreamed now of the beauty that touched her.
She dreamed now of his hands
And of his eyes,
She dreamed now,
That he could belong in her world…
But he knew her then,
He knew her when she was beautiful,
And she was no more…
How could he ever see her as anything but,
What she was…

Time passed,
Things changed.

new desktop.

2007-08-30T00:26:00.001-05:00

been lame heres a post, a copy of my newest desktop.

a needed break

2007-08-04T15:32:00.000-05:00

god i suck

2007-06-23T21:03:00.000-05:00

i have not posted anything in a while... but i will soon i promise...

today is my birthday

2007-05-27T17:44:00.000-05:00

:)

thats awesome right?

remember me....

2007-05-25T11:30:00.000-05:00

this time of year i feel so more full of thought than normal, i feel more soft and more vulnerable. its scary. i was on ok cupid "improving my matches" i really like answering the questions, and one got me thinking. it was "if you could take back your virginity from your first partner would you?"i clicked the check box for no, with out a thought.
i remeber those eyes, and that skin, just like mine.
the touch, soft and shaking... the nervous entry... the blood and the blade. think that scars still on him, a battle wound? and in the moment then, i wasn't scared of anything but him not finding happiness.
and i remember her, silk goddess of the sky. i remeber her age and her sureness and her ability to make me turn liquid in her touch... a perfected art. she was the painter i was the canvas and my sensation was the masterpiece... i had never felt, i have never felt that way again.
my joyful bliss in her.... perfect bliss in every moment we layed together, but we were not meant to last forever, only as long as the passion flowed... i would never undo those moments though, she was one of the greatest gifts of my life.
and sam, sweet pure sam. the one i never got to be with, the one i wanted to love more than another and the one i tried to hide that love from in other peoples beds... if i could take anything back i would have never left, but i would never take back the moments we were together...
anyways i need to go take a shower.

spirit of the green isle.

2007-05-20T21:05:00.000-05:00

it was there
as i creaked open the door
and its here now... tonight.
i remember the stained grout in the tile...
to this day i bet its still not white.
i remeber you, my love
stretched out on the ground...
oceans of pain below you
dead man floating in his own sea.
and that image...
will forever haunt me.
i was there
as you went limp forever
and I'm there in my heart right now.
i remeber the smell on the air
to this day i bet the sweet poison still lingers.
i remeber you, my brother
reaching out after it was to late...
and in your last moments
i saw the regret in your eyes.
and that image...
will forever haunt me.
i was there
as they rushed in and came over you
and i'm there again in my fear
i remeber the looks that they gave you
i bet those looks in them have met more still...
i remeber you, my friend....
dieing by your own hand
you had asked me to come over just hours earlier....
and I'll for ever wish i had.

alone. +

2007-05-16T21:40:00.000-05:00

here i am
left to my own devices
dropped off at the bottom of my castle
forced to climb the tower alone.
each step hurts
each step brings tears to my eyes
each step makes me feel,
alone...
alone in a world of people.
can you not hear the crying of my heart?
the pleading of my soul?
stay with me tonight,
don't let me be alone.
oh god, not tonight.
every day has been nightmares
every night has been calling to remeber
just 2 days ago,
some years past he died...
and in 4 more days another will pass.
please, please hold me.
keep me and love me and tell me my memories were not meant to bring me pain
remind me,
death is no end
and that the moments we were happy together
are the things i should remeber
i should not dwell on the selfish feeling of loss.
i should not cry
because none of them are really gone
they will always be in me.
please,
come home.
hear me crying from far away and come home.
come home to me and hold me
and protect me from my self...
do not leave me in these empty walls
do not leave me in this way...
you didn't even say good by as you pealed out and off... you didn't say good by.
it hurts,
hurts more right now than ever
to be among the living.

to the memory

2007-05-09T14:46:00.000-05:00

come child of snow,
rest your melting heart upon my arms
come child of pain,
breath no more in this springs rain.
come and fade forever to shadow,
the line before you is calling,
calling you home.
i hear them sing,
beautiful child of snow.
my 11th star

beautiful skeleton,
made of spook,
made of grass and twine and bone,
beautiful paper skin,
to worn its time to go home.
beautiful breakfast,
fit for a king
spoon fed needles
bring the spring....
fall back into me,
my truest love
never come back the whole 21 stars above,
on this the day, my14 stars.

fight and scream my beautiful hands
punch and kick fight the whole land
with the fire of the Irish
and the rage of my own blood
kill and stab and rape the sky's above
rain down blood on sugar coated dreams
rain down fear on all who
wished fear in me.
being the spring sunset stained crimson for ever
on this the 20th star

your touch like silk,
god and man
your eyes like crystals to being light to land
your hands the child's things of dreams
to build and create
and teach me all these things
my master, my teacher, my better than me
fallen in battle of the red china tree
i will live forever because of what you gave for me...
you destroyed your world
the 19 star of me.

let the toll be paid
2 coins for the ride
let you meet the snow child in the sky's.
your fallen brother only days before.
you are the 25 star fallen to the war.
let the gods sit beside you,
let the mead always flow
let you find happiness in my woe...
i hope now you sit, where you always dreamed you would...
in a place Where the Brave may live Forever.

..........to the memory
..........of ones i love.

gchat poem reworked titles now "i am your forgotten Cambion"

2007-05-08T01:19:00.000-05:00

(click the title of this poem for the original)

come to me
now, in this moment...
dream.
come, kiss sweet my lips
stay till the marrow.
come, dream
remember me to the dreams of yore...
fabrics made by the sandman,
cloth that once covered my life.
come dream,
hold me
whisper sweet nothings of lies
and tell me every dream is my own and that everyone i can dream i can have.
tell me,
this is what i have always wanted...
even if its a perversion of my youth.
and blow the sandman...
blow the sands of time and in his song,
let me wrinkle,
let me age.
let this mans hands creep up my thighs
let this mans fingers stumble over me
let him find pleasures hidden in my skin,
let him steal them from hands who love.
please...
dream.
please... sand... sand man.
how long the night is now.
how long since you have rocked into me...
how long have you forgotten to come to me at night...
i miss my so hated incubus.
cubo,
cubo, with out you my lover.
come to me my dream...
your forgetfulness destroys my day
i think i smell you...
i think i feel your cold touch as the wind blows upon my legs and into me.
i think i remeber your eyes... beautiful eyes.
but now...
i am left alone... your forgot me...
the forgotten Cambion

to hilary

2007-05-08T01:13:00.000-05:00

i hope you sleep well princes.

i hope the night is sweet

i hope you wake with joy rising to the street

i hope a smile is brought to you,
and it comes shining true

because knowing your alive makes life worth living,
and keeps away the blue.

i hope the nights shadows,

and any rain from the last day

is swept into the past and that only beauty marks the way

i hope your heart is light,

and that laughter is always true

i hope a smile is brought to your face,

so you may smile like i do when i think of you

i hope you never need to cry

i hope you never ever fall

i hope your wings are never broken, so u may fly above it all

i hope your wishes are reality

and every last dream comes true

i hope every demon in your night mare never being harm to you

i hope you smile lovely,

and i hope you know its true,
how often and how deeply i think and smile because of you.

Oma

2007-05-01T14:03:00.000-05:00

i remember, my youth and how we played hide and seek.
where did you go, i will always wonder.
i remember my childhood and crinkling foil camp fires.
i remember, even when you don't your smile,
fake tooth smile.
i remeber the peterfied wood i have carried with em all my life
to all ends of the earth,
because there was always a part of you with me.
i remember, your pockets
forcefully full of butterscotches
and your clothing the rejects from a clown suit...
but mostly i remember loving you
and being loved by you.
mostly i remember laughing
mostly i remember being as happy as i ever was.
i remember you being a second mother,
i remember you now and always my
mig bedste.

gchat copy and paste! (not spell cheking, maybe i'll do it latter)

2007-05-01T03:40:00.000-05:00

friend:

really really awesome.

Laura:

shit falls outa my head when i have a reason to write.

^ that was totaly poetic frasing

Sent at 3:33 AM on Tuesday

Laura:

come to me now, in this moment dream. come to kiss me to the marro, come to remind me of the places i once went. come dream, coem sand man take me to a far away land and grant me my wishes, grant me my desires. desires like i have never felt in youth... let me age let me be old let me linger on the sound of his voice... let it carry me as hands move slowely, creeping beging pleasure that has no home.... let me go there to that place, please... how long the nigth is when you have forgoten me dream, how long the day is when you hint past me in and out of nod in and out of reality thinking on touches, on kisses, on sweat and moans i have only known in slumber.... some to me now... let me have my freedom.

^ writen into this box..

^word poo

drei +

2007-05-01T03:15:00.000-05:00

Stand before me,
Be a beautiful God amongst men.
Stand before me and be more than any of them.
speak words and shatter my heart
and i will kneel before you and worship.
i will come to temple,
because you are quiet
because you are proper,
because you are the one who stands behind in strength.
because your words are like silk,
and because you speak them smoothly.
stand before me,
command the world to stop
and i will create a device to make it so.
stand before me,
ask me to lead the dance or fall in line
and i will obey without question
come before me and be the place i sleep upon.
be the earth below me in that moment
i know i will shake,
i know i will be shy
i know i will cover that shyness,
that humbleness with cool streaming words and smiles
and stand behind me knowing in that moment my weakness
read between my lines,
i make them obvious.
what do you seek....
what sacrifice do you wish upon your alter
and in that place,
i will love you best.
i will love you more
i will,
because you are not a spoon.

cold heart

2007-04-29T03:12:00.000-05:00

if you let me
i will love you with the cold kiss of the artic wind.
if you let me
i will keep you warm in blood dipped snowflakes
from now, until the end of time.
if you let me
i will take you far away from here
take you far into the stars,
there where there is no air,
and the universe is a cold picture.
if you let me
i will wrap my ice arms around you,
i will hold you frozen in my love.
i will give you frostbite.
if you let me.

My how things have changed ++

2007-04-24T13:58:00.000-05:00

(click the name of this post for my reference)

Its been some time now, since I turned to you my love and looked you in the eyes and said, I need you. I want you. Its been some time since your cruel smile seemed angelic to me, even when I know it never was and never will be. I’m glad, I moved so far away. I’m glad that I’d have to look much harder than I am capable of to find you. I cant remember the sound, but the smell is still strong in my mind. The smell of the flint mixing with gas and the smell of the burning laudanum; they say smell is the longest lasting memory. I can still remember how it felt when my lungs tensed and my bones relaxed and how everything in the world seemed, ok. I wonder, sometimes if they knew how bad it once was. would they look at me the same now? god, would nick turn away from me for my sins… I don’t think so though if he was going to I think he might all ready. But I remember it right now as something sweet, and not as a sin. Right now, I am capable of committing that sin again… but I am not going to. I think I will lock my self away for the time being. I think I will keep my heart and my mind far away from everyone, then no one will see inside how much darker I am growing. No one will see how much pain I am in, no one will notice me crying. I am no longer the slave of pill though… but tonight I may take some to sleep away today. Tonight I may wonder, and stray away from what’s good and healthy.

GRUMPY +

2007-04-24T13:31:00.000-05:00

Sometimes, When I wake up, I wish I was still sleeping; Even tough our beds awful, and it makes my back hurt. When I do wake, I am alone in the world. It’s a, scary feeling. Last night I actually slept with a knife… for the short few hours I managed to close my eyes and pretend that someone was with me. I think this shit is driving me mad and making me ill. Not just the being alone, but the bed its self. My back really is killing me. Its gotten to the point where I cant turn my neck all the way. Not sure what exactly I should do about that. Nick seems content to keep sleeping on it. Meh. I’m just tired cause I haven’t really slept in a long time. Its making me an old crotchety woman.

dandelion wars, and the mad hatter +

2007-04-24T00:43:00.000-05:00

It comes now,

The Living Mettles

The Quick-Silver Madness

They sing to me.

Soft Loving Voices,

They whisper violent nothings in my ears.

They de-construct the world I have built.

They re-destroy the life I dreamed.

They un-create the hope of sanity.

It comes over me,

It creeps up my legs,

It wraps its finger around my thighs

It looks deep into my eyes

And it

SCREAMS

…return to the dandelion fields

…return to the battle

… Take up your sword and March or may, combatant.

And I the ever living,

The unending fool

Return.

Return to the blood covered fields of my youth

Return to the same mistakes I always make

Return to the ending I am never content in.

Return to the dream, of being able to dream up something better.

These long hard nights,

These empty beds

These void walls

I try to cover them in colors,

Fill them in pillows,

And shorten them in pills

But, they remain…

They remain and I remain

The victim of the quickest…

quick silver…

How many ink wells must I dip in blood

How many rubies will pay the costs of this?

How many fortunes?

How many ransoms?

How many robberies?

I can’t keep living as a thief,

Of time,

Of memories, of loves, and hates, and emotions in the vast general world where people feel something outside the numb.

I am incapable of being human anymore

Covered in the madness

Covered in the Quick-Silver

Covered in the past

... I am the voice

... I am the goddess

I am the sin,

And I am the one you pray to!

ON YOUR KNEES

She charges in on her black horse

She charges on the field

The beatnik butter cups

And the dandelion savages

The raving bluebells

And the troll sunflowers

The wild tiger lilies

And the last drop of morning dew

So many petals, flying falling

There is not end.

There is no other world

There is no heavens

There Is no choice….

I can not, not chose to be the champion.

Yehoshea +

2007-04-20T12:06:00.001-05:00

…Hate regrets…

Yes, hate them, live to avoid them always take the chance, never give in to fear. Never give in, never give up. I know I am strong; I have survived a great many things others would have fallen apart at. And in all my life, I regret almost nothing. Everything happens for a reason. Everything happens in its own time. I do not regret Dan dieing in my lap while I was so fucked up on drugs I could not move. I do not regret hitchhiking from Texas to California. I do not regret sleeping in greyhound stations, I do not regret the cold feeling of a metal baseball bat and the red shade that covers the world in those times, I do not regret loving and having my heart broken, I do not regret life… but…

I regret loving him. My Yehoshea, my pure creamed skin blue eyed Yehoshea. He could look into me and command the sea of my hear to part, and it would. He would look at me and say “pige I love you, you more than anyone else and no one will ever love you like I do.” And he was right, no one has every loved me like him. So intensely. He is my beshert. And in him, I am truly my self. More my self than I will ever be. More my self than Is possible. I am free. I have the acceptance, and love I can only dream about in the outside world… we live in our own paradise. One covered in blood and hate and sin. And its ok, then. its ok to be that way. It’s ok to let down my guard and embrace my soul. Fate is a cruel mistress and we are her swords and her tongue. His lips, can cool me though. Like no one ever has. And when I snap, which I do uncontrollably around him and I know the rose colored shade of the world… he pulls me back with a kiss. And in those moments he whispers into my ear the same prayer “my beauty sleep now, sleep so latter we can be together, so latter this rage can be passion my queen” his queen. Tears run for my eyes remembering his voice, I was his… his queen. His. And the rage subsided and the rose of the world returned to normal color. I was like a puppet in him, he pulled my strings artfully, and it was because he is everything I am, but stronger. He has my missing pieces. He is, my other half, made of the same pieces of earth… made by the beautiful hands of fate. And I love him. I love him when he beats men ¾ dead for looking at me wrong. I love him when he destroys stores because he disagreed with the clerk who didn’t speak English. I love him when he paints swastikas outside temples; I love him when he jumps black people walking down the street at night. I love him when he sins, because he loves me for what I am. When he came home covered in blood and grabbed me by the wrist and pulled me to the shower… when he looked into my eyes scared and worried that he would be arrested, that he would be taken from me that I would be alone in my rage, he would smile and whisper to me “I love you, I love you like no one in this world can, I love you for what I know you are capable of, I love you for your sins, I love you for the monster in your soul that devours your good intentions… I love you forever” one night he came to me, to the side of our bed, he reached out for me as I slept and I woke as his fingers sat on my neck. And he spoke “you know what I am going to do, and I know what will happen. You see it hua?” he looked into me like he never had before. And I think that may have been the only time in his life he cried. The beast, the monster, the heartless fiend… he cried. “I am leaving you now, I willn’t be back for some time and I know you will be gone when I return, but I will call you. I will find you. I will always love you” I looked to him. I couldn’t say anything… he slapped me. “fuck say something” and I smiled, and looked at him… I said don’t go. He walked away. And in the morning, I was gone. I want nothing more in my life, than to be loved. To be healed. For someone to know me for what I am, to be seen as beautiful truly beautiful not regardless of my sins but because of them. And I know, my Yehoshea was the only one who would ever love me like he does, and that he will love me long after we die. And I will always regret going there. I will always regret knowing him. I will always regret that i didn't make him stay. And I know, I can never go back. I know how that ends.

new desktop! +

2007-04-19T01:51:00.000-05:00

for clean image w/o my icons click the name of this post.

Kingdom of Ice and Flame +

2007-04-19T01:19:00.000-05:00

A piece of the Kingdom Series

Part I

Rose

It sat, outside my reach

Far off outside the borders of my kingdom

It sat, chaste and red

A thing, so beautiful

I cried frozen tears,

Melting from my ice heart

And freezing on my arctic skin.

The rose.

The one,

True beauty of the world.

And,

From the window of my castle,

I could not see its thorns.

Part 2

The mirror

There was no sunshine in my world

There was no warmth of the morning

There was no rebirth.

Perpetually frozen,

In time,

In fate,

In everything.

Left only with a mirror to the outside world

The only reminder things

Outside my kingdoms even existed

The mirror,

The one who should have comforted me

Was my chain,

Was my prison.

It plagued me with images

I could not leave my kingdom

My frozen heart would melt

My artic skin would puddle,

I would be no more

Yet I desired nothing but to leave.

A mirror made of liquid mettle,

That never froze.

The most alive thing in my world.

Part 3

The Droplet of Color

The world was monochrome blue

Frozen colors have no shine

There was only soft hints of what may be

hidden deep under the frost

deep under memories

deep under the possibility of a world outside ice

so dreamed the artic queen of color

so dreamed the frigid hand for warmth

and so,

one morning a rose with droplets of color

lay upon the pillow next to her,

as though it had always been there

it shown a bright red

the only color in a frozen world

Part 4

The Touch of Ice

I longed to touch the flame

I longed to be free of my icicle prison

I longed to touch something,

Someone… anyone

But I knew… there was no way

If I dared it

If I reached out to smooth over its surface

I would cage it like my self

I would destroy it

Not how I was…

Not how I am,

I could not…

I had to change…

I am changing…

One day,

My hands will be warm.

Part 5

The Knight

All the years passed

I did not age

Nothing aged

Nothing changed,

I sat looking out of my kingdom out to the boarding lands of flame

As I always had,

Watching,

Waiting for things to be different

Waiting for a knight to save me

Waiting in silence,

Waiting in pain

Wanting to have a champion…

To free me from this barren land

To take me far away

To rescue me from my self

To melt the ice

To bring back the things long left dormant

Long left under the snow

Under the shadows of forgotten dreams

But, all who tried all who dared

Stood frozen no more than 20 paces into my land.

I felt my hope grow colder,

And the snow began to fall.

Part 6

The Squire

He charged in swift, and hard

He ravaged through the snowy grave of so many others like him

And he, was not even a knight.

A mere squire.

A child, at best

Bumbling barely able to lift the sword of the fallen before him

And yet, he made it to the gates of the castle

He made it to the court room

He made it to my hand

He kneeled before me

Then the heavens shook

The walls fell

The world cracked and

I lost hold of him

I lost sight of him as I felt my self

mislaid from the only world I knew…

Part 7

The Gallows

The heavens split

The tossed me to a sea

The tossed me to the rage of an ocean

There I changed

There I altered

There I was no longer my self

No longer a queen

There I died

There I was reborn

There I stood trial for my sins

And there I was found guilty,

There I was brought to the gallows.

I died

Time passed in my watery grave

I laid forgotten many centuries, many kingdoms

Until his hands and her eyes and his touch

Until they rescued me…

All of them…

The king, the queen, the saint, the court

Until they breathed life into me

I am free now.

Part 8

Transcendence

There is no place like this

This is the place no one can go

This is the place in my heart

Not capable of ending

Not capable of containment

Not capable of explanation

There is no words to describe this

This freedom

This rebirth

This new muse

This new hope

This transcendence.

Darkness comes for me +

2007-04-08T16:34:00.000-05:00

You were there once,

To hold

To love me

To make the darkness go away at night.

You were the sunshine of my evening

You were the shield from the cold

You were everything.

Your touch made new life in my skin

Your voice brought new joys to my soul

And your eyes made everything ok, forever.

But, you are gone now,

And there is no sunshine.

At least not every day…

Some times the morning never comes

Most the time,

I live in darkness.

I sleep alone.

I am alone,

I miss…

You.

I miss everyone.

This solitary binding is killing me.

The Crown +

2007-04-02T22:26:00.000-05:00

A piece of the Kingdom Series

Part I

The one

At night the memories come

They flow over me like an ocean

I see my own death

Like I have been there before

It’s quiet…

It’s peaceful…

As the water fills my lungs,

My heart…

My soul.

And deep in the depths,

So deep there is no more light

I see him…

I see his arms

They reach out for me

They extend past the darkness

Through the world

Into the void and they hold precious air

I hear him

His voice haunts me

It is both beautiful and unholy

It’s the sound of a broken god…

The one.

Forever the one,

The one before time

The one outside of fate

He is serial,

And he is one.

His skin made of dragon scales

His eyes the nights fire

His voice stolen from Angels

His touch, holds life.

My life

In Limbo.

The one.

He has always been.

He will always be

Cast in shadow.

He steals me from the death meant for me

And he fears not

The consequences of fate.

Part 2

The Seat and chains

Chain me,

Cage me,

Stop me,

Keep me,

Free me,

Kill me,

Love me,

Hate me…

Whispers the chains of the throne

Sat, powerless

King, Queen, and Court

Its slave.

It is tradition,

It is expected.

It is understood.

It is unbreakable,

Living mettles from the place in the void.

A place you can never return from.

A place you can never go.

A place Priced only once.

Part 3

The Crown

Crafted of the finest Loves,

Died in the Quickest-Silvers

Framed over the Souls of the pure

It rests on top the Kings Head.

It rests his masterpiece

His passion, Unspoken

Not needing words,

It is there for all to see.

No one need ask explanation.

Yet, it can not see its wearer

It is trapped,

Its soul woven into new form

Will it ever be whole?

Part 4

The bed you lie in

Once, I was beautiful

I was Queen of a far away land

A land of Ice and Snow.

A Perfect Frozen Kingdom

There, nothing aged

Nothing died

Nothing decayed…

But I left seeking the flame

I left seeking the color

I left seeking a rose.

And a rose I had.

It was beautiful while it lasted

But it aged,

It died

It decayed.

And now I to,

Begin to age

I begin to die

I begin to decay.

I am not so cold

But my time grows short

My fate speeds up and I fall

Through my world

Into death

Into a foreign land

With tears of angels

I fall into the sea,

And I accept I will perish

Part 5

In death

I hear them

There laughter

There happiness

There smiles

There life.

I hear the peace and joy

I feel a tug on my soul

I feel a desire to be with them

But I am no more my self

I am no more at all…

I am here underneath you,

Waiting…

Forever.

Part 6

Reborn

Kelp around my ankles

Tangling my way

There is no freedom as I am

And so I pray

I pray to the things above

I pray to the dream

I pray to the one

I sin in this,

he is not of my world,

he is not of my kind

but I pray fro redemption

I pray to his Holy Queen,

I pray for a touch

I pray for a kiss

I pray for a chance

And there

In the morning sun

Light shines through

I am fallen from my shell

I am broken from my curse…

For now

I am reborn.

I have been cleansed of my transgressions

In the death of the sea

Part 7

Fallen from grace

There was a time

When I knew the answers to all things

When my soul

My spirit

My touch knew every second of the universe.

But some time ago

I let out to much

I gave in to little

And I fell

I wanted a mortal life

I wanted love,

And to be normal

I wanted to be born,

I wanted to die.

I wanted to know the one

I wanted to see his crown.

I wanted to free him from his chains

I wanted to see her realized…

I wanted, so much.

For every many kingdom of the world.

I wanted there to be light

So I gave my self

I lost my touch

I fell from grace

So that the nights would haunt me

And I would always sleep alone.

Part 8

The war of heaven

Will they notice?

I have stolen there princess

I have captured there prince

I have built a sword out of demon flesh

Cooled in angels tears

Will they see me?

For what I am,

Once I was, the greater power

Now only a shard, a fraction.

A great war between the 3 powers of all things

The one broke the rules

The second fell under the flames

And the third cried for her losses.

I will not let it end this way.

The Kingdom +

2007-04-02T18:33:00.000-05:00

Part I

The King

He is there

In his throne,

Tarnished silver and shadowed forms

He is there

In his castle

Stoic hanging over the sea

He is there

In his Crown

Beautiful, Mysterious and Distant.

Part 2

A throne

Older than time and living of mettles

Detailed scriptures engraved in its sides,

They speak and sing in your soul

Every wonder of the world

Every Horror of a dream

Every Pleasure of a Nightmare.

It is the Thing to hold a god

A god in mortal shell

It is the thing that has always been,

It is both joy and sadness

Part 3

The Queen

Truth has never been so veiled

Beauty has never been so complicated

Grace and Rage have never coincided so harmonically

As in her touch

As in her Kiss

As in her Smile

As in her.

It is not her birth right that makes the peasants kneel

Or the Court silence when she speaks

Her smile demands they remember happier times when they are low

And when her eyes turn cold, and she speaks in force

They all remember she is a goddess of the sun, and a mistress of the moon.

They all remember how beautiful she is

They all know how full of love she can be.

And at night,

When they look to the castle perched above the sea

And they see the moon make the tides dance for her

They remember her perfection and the passion found in her soul.

Part 4

The castle

Perched for 1000 years above The Sea

Built in stone form a world that is no more

Brought down from angels tears

And demons swords

The King and Queen Built a Kingdom

Built a paradise above an ever raging ocean

Build a Land out of dreams

Out of fears

Out of lust

Out of the unknown

Out of the imposable

For ever living in darkness

Shadowed by the wrath of the things below it

Below the surface of the water

Part 5

The gala

The Queens presence pierced the assembled

Her form delicately moving through out,

Smiling, Laughing, singing, loving

She was the center of the known world

And all revolved around her,

Pulled in by her gravity

All but the King,

Who smiled softly

And remained in her orbit.

Who watched carefully all those who approached

Who gently enjoyed the Queen, her Jester and her Fool.

They were, Beautiful.

Part 6

The jester to the queen

Would you like to see a trick madam?

I can make a fool a jester and my self a fool.

If you close your eyes m’lady

You will not notice whose hand will run along your spine

It is I?

Is it she?

Who on earth could it be?

Would you like a real reason to smile my Queen?

A joke?

A pleasure?

A trinket?

A toy?

How can I best serve you?

How can I best make you happy

Is that not the role of a jester?

Is that not my humble place

To keel before your grace and make you smile?

Make you giggle,

Should I in ploy the French feather?

Speak to the wind your desires,

If you can not to me

I will listen to the wind and make all the desires you desire be.

Part 7

The kings’ eyes

I sat there with the king,

Alone in a room

The Queen gone in other affairs

He smiled at me,

And his eyes,

His eyes stabbed through me

I feel into him

I fell onto him

His hands, so firm against me,

Holding me for life

Mortally wounded by his gaze

Part 8

The Queens Kiss

Dieing in the arms of the king

She came to me

The Goddess of the sun,

The Queen of the kingdom.

There she was above me,

Nothing more than a court jester

And she smiled

God him self had to look away

For never before in existence has there been such beauty.

And she spoke

and I felt a warmth roll over me

and she leaned into me

and she put her lips on mine

and I was no more wounded

and I was no more a jester.

I was a part of a greater kingdom.

there is beauty. +

2007-04-01T18:23:00.000-05:00

there is beauty in her eyes,
in her delicate hands
in her smile
oh dear god, in her smile.
you could save the world from sin with her laugh.
no one could do harm to another in her presence...
she is radiant.
she is perfect, in every one of her flaws.
She is the goddess of the Sea, and the Land
She is the Queen of Lust and of Love,
She is, Everything one could dream for...
She is beauty.

Death a poem +

2007-02-19T07:48:00.000-06:00

What will I write this morning?
So touch the beauty of the night
So tingle, and shake and shiver in its majesty.
Indescribable bliss
Were I to try and take the kiss of night,
My dreams
And this morning make them full
I would fail
For the morning came to quick
And the body aches to long
It was a thing so pure in its self
Undriven by the needs of flesh, or mind
Rested only in the soul
This s’morning I must write something
BE BORN again muse in my heart
Set free the flow
Flow freely into my thoughts.
Be a whisper in the day
Calling deep into the night
Deeper until I can go no more
Until all other things fail and
You alone
Your hands, cold and firm
Give me moments worth remembering

happiness. +

2007-01-30T07:20:00.000-06:00

is sweet.

:)
more on this latter.

he was +

2006-11-28T01:53:00.000-06:00

Have you dreamed?
The kind of dream that is so wonderful it’s like a picture in a book...
like a postcard.
I have a postcard of how I wish my life was...
a dream.
There he stands...
there she stands...
they dance, a beautiful dance
they smile they shuffle
they are PERFECT.
They have dinner parties
and drink wine with cheese
she never wears pants...
she holds his hand when he is low
and she’s always behind him.
She loves...
only him.
A dream....
if there were a way to fall into his foot steps,
I would change my world...
but for what?
*the child screams*
I AM SICK OF NOT BEIGN ME
I AM SICK OF APOLOGISING
I AM A FUCKIGN BIGGOT AND I DONT CARE...
your a fucking bigot when you tell me I am because I believe things should be a peculiar way... why can you.. or you or her or AZNYONE accept that I want things a peculiar way...

is it wrong
is it child like to dream of dream which will never come to fruition,...
never..
Be more than a dream.
I want to be yours...
like I was today
like I was the second I met you.
Did you know, I remember what you said...?

"Girls always fall for me"

sitting there in your chair...
funny pants...
yes.

No...

I am happy...

dreams are for dreaming they are for nod...
life is for living for reality.
You could never be real to me.
You could never love me.
You would never try.
Why...
why would you.

He does.

Settle... no.
live....
as full as I can?
Maybe.
Good enough to full.

i cant believe it +

2006-10-26T13:49:00.000-05:00

http://www.myspace.com/troenstar

i have a myspace...

it makes me cry a little inside

untitled a poem +

2006-10-04T16:13:00.000-05:00

Do you see it when you look at me?
It’s the beautiful tragedy of a mystery.
soft and harsh, cool and flamed,
what you’d give to know the name...
what you’d sell to see my soul
what you’d kill to have me whole...

do you see it when you look at me?
its my lonely life of misery...
alone and lost, delicate and frail,
what I’d give to be like her
what I’d sell to be obscured
what I’d kill to know I was known..

No one...
no one but you see me...
to all others I’m a mystery...
something soft yet loud
something lost yet found
something almost unreal..
To you I am just... me.

a new desktop +

2006-09-01T18:07:00.000-05:00

got board with my old one made a pretty new one

here it is

here as it is.... +

2006-08-05T02:43:00.000-05:00

so I sit here stoned, wondering why I am even awake, alive or thinking about what I am... I am. I do... shit. I really do loooooooove nick, not like another love like I would deny my self something I don’t think would hurt our relationship only him... something I want something I almost need.... but he, us, its got to be more important because I have a queasy pain that says go back, back to where you once knew everything.... I don’t, its amassing it tasted so sweet on my lips, when I wrote this I was strong..

a new look +

2006-07-27T18:25:00.000-05:00

redid the ol' blog time for a new style... meh.

prayer beads. +

2006-07-27T14:45:00.000-05:00

There is something beautiful about memories. To look back on your life, the foot steps you have taken, the choices you have made. Sometimes though I find some memories receive more attention that others. Lately ones been weighting on me, it’s been in my dreams it’s been in my fingertips... it’s been in the air. They say smell is the memory that stays with you longest... I remember the smell of the broken espresso pot... and the eggs cooking. "Your domestic" you know I knit two? Maybe I’ll make you a scarf someday. Maybe I’ll run my fingers over your prayers again... things happen because they are meant to... I’m straight now because I met you, because I admired you... because I looked at you and I was more enamored that ever had I been... that was then though. I wonder, do you even remember.

She was.... a poem +

2006-07-21T18:45:00.000-05:00

She was beautiful
She could take a man from any woman,
She had even taken men from men.
She had ruined happy homes.
I know,
Your thinking you can ruin a happy home
It has to be unhappy…
But she
She was beautiful.
She was beauty.
The undeniable illuminate child of Aphrodite.
When you looked her in the eyes
You knew she was steeling every secret passion form your heart
You knew she would kiss better than a god
You knew her hands would knew just where to rest on your body
And you knew,
Knew more than anything else you were the only one she ever loved
You were the only one she ever would,
Just like ever other man in the room… you were the only one.
Then out of no where she would say it
She would say your name
She would promise you imposable things and you would believe her
Why?
Because she is beauty…
Her skin her face her lips, her perfect tits... Everything her legs, her hips...
And surprisingly her soul, and mind.
She was everything you dreamed of…
Even if you didn’t know it
And god knows how but she was in your reach,
This angel,
This princess,
This goddess…
She …
She burnt in you mind at night haunting you
Your hand moving down.
A man has needs…
All you could see was her face..
She got under you skin
You had to have her
She was beauty..
God I cant even tell you..
Cant even explain it..
I wonder where she went.

new siggy and art.

2006-07-18T16:56:00.000-05:00

my new love, lexi

2006-07-18T15:23:00.000-05:00

out here on my own +

2006-05-31T22:27:00.000-05:00

I see a million years, all in the touches of his skin. Be my valiant knight, take away all the things who haunt me, hold me when the sun scars my delicate memories of the present. Hold me yet again when the floor shakes, these things I pray.... As I lay me down to sleep I pray his hands to keep me warm through the night and if in the morn I do not wake I pray his kiss my soul will no more ache.... 8 ball in the corner pocket, dear god nick I am scared, scared I have invented you, scared we will move to quick cut off the air and then no more fire can burn.... Can this feeling last for ever, I see my self ancient as a grain of sand in the desert. Ramblings, I'd be better for me for you just to be alive to love u longer. Did I say that...? No... Yes... Did I mean it; it came out so naturally.... I do, love you. Shit. There's nothing better and worse and more perfect and more broken than this. I l – o – v - e. I can not help how freely I feel, it’s just the way I am. Ill say it again to. I never in my dreams… even there in nod where all is possible.... Fuck beans, you like to laugh at me when I look at other girls... No where in illusion even do I expect to ever hear those sweet sour words to roll off of u naturally, not the way the fall off me... Just a little to the left for the 5 ball baby.... Good job. I only want to be with you.

i am 21 years of age +

2006-05-28T11:36:00.000-05:00

he smiles at me this smorning.... I wonder what my tnl is, I don’t remember but I know I have a way to go. I am setting this goal now, 30 by next month. I want cor as my main class.... I’m talking about ffxi, I know no one who reads this probably knows what I am on about. At this point I don’t know if anyone does, but I was never writing for anyone but my self anways.

I’m going back to Albany soon, not for ever just for a week. It will be nice to see my family, they should have there pool open by then.

My body aches.... I want to die.... it hurts inside. Oh well.

I am updating ffxi and coh/cov for me and tiff.

I really just want some soup.

I really just want to go back to sleep.

I really just wish he wasn’t working.
He reminds me so much of Andy, but with a healthy and working sex drive.

I think I will lie down...

he’s the world to me, really.

love +

2006-05-22T23:36:00.000-05:00

To see the imperfections of another and take them as the most wonderful parts.

so he smiled and I started falling +

2006-05-19T21:11:00.000-05:00

It’s a strange thing, the heart. How many times have I broken it, over and over and each time I manage to come back. Each time I manage to come back from what must be the most painful experience, each time I come back ready for more. I must be a masochist, I tell my self this as I lay here typing this on nicks sidekick watching him close down his store. He smiles at me as I lay here and it melts all the fear and remembrance of my last heart break. Watching him kick the ps2 I know that I am ready for him to be my next. So unlike anything I would ever see my self with.... But just the same here I am. I willnt tell him that when I thought I might loose him today I broke down inside, I willnt tell him that I sleep better when I know he's there. I willnt tell him that his touch elevates more pain than 2, 40’s. I willnt tell him that I think about him constantly. When they know its so much easer for them to hurt you. Just watching him sing along with nofx makes me happy, I can barely tell that my belly aches and that my ankle is twisted. I know this well end with my broken heart, but there is no high like the rush of passion and emotion I currently feel.

and there she was a beauty to behold +

2006-05-18T00:14:00.000-05:00

I sit here now in nicks car, waiting on lady zy to emerge from her place, sitting waiting to go home. Tiffany’s boyfriend lives with us now, and after tonight I wonder if she wishes things were the way they once were, before other people interfered in the moments I had a lone, she says she misses me... I miss her to. I miss… things the way we were. Brad makes me mildly sexually uncomfortable, and tiff keeps mentioning I could fuck him which doesn’t help. He says he misses me to, he doesn’t even really know me. I stayed out much latter than I had planed to tonight, tomorrow I will try not to feel like a third wheel around tiff and brad, but at some point there will be sexual tension and ill feel misplaced. I really hope I haven't hurt tiff.... Nick makes me so happy though, and I not the third wheel with him, I just want everyone to be happy. I know I am silly, that's all I have ever wanted though.

life as it is +

2006-04-28T08:37:00.000-05:00

its 8:36 am. I am in Texas I work at 6pm. I moved here to be happy, I moved here to make changes. I am living with a lovely woman who inspires the fancies of my desire to create. she is a single mother of a 10 year old daughter. I care very deeply for them both. in some ways, most likely unbenothest to her I have taken her in as my family and I would protect them with my life as I would my own. she’s asleep behind me right now on the sofa. I have been sick for 2 days. the air here is killing me - no really- its pouted and full of pollen. in other news I had tie food last night, there’s some amassing places. oh and there’s a rooster somewhere around here... and hen I find him there’s going to be a fucking bbq. I like my job. its a job. I like my coworkers, sometimes to much. and I have taken a real likening to pineapple soda. I have hope this was the best decision I could have made. I have hope it is time to learn more about the world I have hope.. and that’s a nice feeling.

ode to joy, and all others +

2006-04-28T08:02:00.000-05:00

She sat most beautiful in my eyes, riding along in the country side. She sat full of dreams and magic. I longed to lean into her, the sweet feeling of joy tingling over my skin. I could thank her for the fresh air, but when I was with her I didn’t breath. I could comment on the music, but I never knew the song... so I would just sit there eyes closed, wide-awake dreaming. One day I would know my own joy... one day someone would look at me the way she gazed into her love... one day I would belong with someone.

He came into my life. We were perfect together. He was my first. He was the great passion and frustration. We lost hold of any innocence we had in each others grip. And yet... I never felt so pure again. It’s like nothing mattered. I would pray to be alone with him... he would gaze into me like joy, its just Sam never mad me tingle... Sam never made me look at him like that... I wondered if I was broken of love.... I loved him but not like he loved me. I cried and wished, one day I would be so deeply in love.

There were others in the interim. I raged and I thrashed and I cried and I laughed. no point in crying over spilt milk...

go to the cupboard get a new glass
thin dainty walls never meant to last
pour it only half way
fill it to full then, head the words I say
for you will be cleaning up milk all day.

All praise the good and glorious beauty of a man. All fall and melt and get gooey and sticky and like a marshmallow left out on the hottest day of summer... he was beautiful. He still is. He said he loved me, and maybe he did... I would have stopped anything, even the world spinning round just for one second with him. One 1/2 a second even. Perhaps the saddest part is that we never kissed. I went on craving him for ever... when I talk to him briefly about the weather I still think on him... I still wonder what he sees in her. I still wish I was her. I wish he wanted me still. I will always love him. One day, I will find a man who wants me who will take me and protect me.

*thunder claps* enter the distraction. Enter the rebound husband picking out china plates. Enter amassing oral sex that led to the downfall of woman kind when wrapped around the beautiful body of Mr. Acrombie. He could pose half naked for there store photos if he wanted to. He took me out of my dreams begged me to leave my insanity and my childhood far behind me and walk with him into the light of responsible adults with not jobs, but careers. And for some time I believed in him. He was from such a different place. His mom told me while we were talking that a c was ok in school, because as long as you have your degree you are no better or worse than the guy with the a. such a different world. one day I woke and I realized I wasn’t part of his world and I had to go home... he wanted to save me from my self, protect me from my world.. But I liked it. I did. One day I will find someone who is not out to change me.

Sweet sad boy. My Brian. I promised him the world; because in him I saw everything I ever was and am. I saw the scared child and the rage of the world. He went about it differently but it was all still there. He had beautiful photo eyes. He came and went disappeared and reappeared in and out of my mind... he was amassing... even if I never kissed him, even though I never will. I could I could get up and go there right now, but people like us, we would kill each other. We would burn into nothing. One day, he will be ok... so will I.

Time came and past, there was cheep meaningless sex.

He was just a fling, right. A one night on the way to a game pulled over having sex in the back seat fling. A beautiful raging sober Irish man. I found the NA book in his passenger side car seat. It was strange, I wondered what he did... but it seemed so long ago, I let it go and never bothered him about it. Maybe he just really liked the free coffee. He was my second hand smoking beautifully tattooed passion and lust. I wanted nothing more than to change the world to make him mine. I bet he’s with some small blond school teacher who on the weekends teaches Sunday school. I miss his prayer beads and I miss the prayers in his skin... he didn’t love me I didn’t want him to, I didn’t love him I could have though if he let me. He was just a few days... I still miss him, one day I’ll be missed when I am gone.

He stood there the giant Norse god he is and was. He smiled wrapping his hands slowly and tightly around my neck. He grabbed my waist so tight I was bruised for weeks; he was amassing in the sack. Another passer by... what was he to me. He didn’t want anything from me, he didn’t want to change me... he let me rant on and on and on and on and on about gaming. He knew I was scared of the dark, he didn’t care. He knew sometimes the floor attacks and he would fend off my demons with his smiles with his hands... he says he misses me now that I am gone... it’s a shame he didn’t just want me... only me. One day I will be solely desired.

I got on a plane, nervous and skitty... what if this is the wrong decision... I hate flying... what if not right now, what if latter was a better idea... I am scared. I am worried... I don’t know what to do.

He isn’t beautiful... he’s not. he’s sweet, well at least some times.... he says he desires only me... he wants to be with me alone... but... he I... he hands me what I wanted when I don’t want it. His dose things to redeem him self on occasion, bowls of sick soup... wonders of all wonders I chose him. And I love him, but I have loved before. And he says he loves me, but he hurts me and leaves me sore. I cry at night for him and from him. I want things to be like they were when I was cute and still seducing him... I want things to be sweet again. I don’t want to be yelled at.

he’s so sweet, he smiles at me
something about his eyes set me free
I forget who I am and to whom I belong
I wonder if this can last for very long
I day dream kisses one sweet summer days
I dream on wishes to please his ways
I wonder where my mind aught not be
for he is not mine and I am not with he.

All the tears, the pain.
all the wonder and happiness I have gained...
the sweetest song combined in my soul...
all the lost, past and present, future loves I will ever know.

change +

2006-04-13T01:21:00.000-05:00

Change is a wonderful and ugly thing; there have been so many changes in my life. I have moved to a new region of the world, my mind my soul and my heart have expanded... things are so different... I have hope again.

More on this latter.

when hope dies +

2006-03-01T14:30:00.000-06:00

There he was, her prince. He smiled the kind of smile that displayed his grace, his power. He looked out over his kingdom, how many of them were happy; he was such a good king. She took one step forward toards him, timid to break the gaze in his eyes; she loved him for his beauty. She loved him for his endless devotion to his people. She loved him because he did what he said and always said what he meant. She loved him, because he didn’t see her sins, because he didn’t judge her, because he was better than her, but he loved her just the same. She tripped on her feet; he looked past her, down into the hall. He looked to his princess, she fell through the floor... he wasn’t hers; he didn’t even know her name. She was a maid to the castle, she lived far out past the land his grace could see from his window, she came from the poor, the hungry. She remembered in that second that is where she was going home to. She would return to her husband, her children, her home... she would cook them dinner and smile, she would never cry....

its hard, to let go of my dreams again. It was so hard to think they were ok... it was so hard to except the idea that I deserved the world.... I should have realized dreams are for dreaming. This is all I can amount to. This is all the talent I don’t have. I could only ever hope to be worthy of someone to make there sandwiches and raise children. I should have realized, there was never a way to make things work the way I wanted them to.... I only hope he doesn’t shun me now... I only hope he doesn’t hate me now... I only hope... this isn’t a mistake now.

last night..... +

2006-02-22T17:28:00.000-06:00

hope +

2006-02-16T17:22:00.000-06:00

Wake, wash, eat head to the car listen to my life be torn apart, degraded.
Sometimes its very hard to not fall into others words, sometimes its hard to not become what they expect, think and know you are... I know one day I will be greater than they think I can be.

the tell me and remind me, I am no one I am going no where, I have no future, I have no hope...
these are the people who love me, who care for me... who are sposta realize I have the greatest potential in life, to have all *my* dreams, but from me they want there dreams, they want there unfulfilled lives, they hope for me what they always hoped for them selves, and they don't listen to me when I say, this is not who I am.

What is a successful life? Does it have a yearly monetary value... does it come with full health and dental? Does it include 2.5 children and a blender? Does it mean stability, property, furniture from pottery barn and clothing from the banana republic.....?

I make 7$ and hour at my day job, I do side jobs for people... I make things. I don't ant children, I don't want a blender I don't want a white picket fence, I love that tomorrow life is unsure and that I don't know where I will be. I think I would be lucky to live my life freely for the rest of my short time here... hard makes you stronger, hunger makes you appreciate things more. I don't like paying a lot of money for labels, I always thought the salvation army as just fine for me...

what do I want then...

just the freedom to do the things that bring me joy.

people tell me the only way that's possible is to grow up, act my age and settle down...

I believed them for so long, taking all my desires and dreams and locking them away.

then I feel for this boy, he didn't live in the world I did, he didn't play by the rules I was taught... he told me my secret fantasy's were ok, and that there was nothing to fear nothing to be afraid of in them, he told me that I was normal, or more normal than I lead my self to believe... and in time I believed him. he told me I was worth something, and he told me I was beautiful... he told me when I was wrong and he called me on my bs... I loved him for those things.

It didn't work out; he couldn't love me like I loved him. So I moved on no use in crying over spilt milk. I will always love him; because love never dies it only changes.

No matter how many times they say it to me, no matter how many times they tell me, I will not let them change my view, and I will not let them take my hope. I will have my life on my terms; I will not let them stop me. I do not do this to spite them; I do this only to prove to my self that I can.

Success, it means personal happiness.

the trip +

2006-02-02T16:33:00.000-06:00

The trip.

I have this curse, its kidna funny. I can never take a trip with out everything going all wrong. my bags get lost, I get hassled at the airport, the flights grounded... they make me leave the security check because I need to go to the ticket counter to get a new ticket and then willnt let me back behind security for serial hours.

I just got back from a trip....
the flight was ok.
The food was decent.
Security wasn’t to bad.

Nothing really went wrong.... what happened did my curse leave me?

No....

no this trip hurt sometime after I left... it hurt most last night.

I love the way he smiles at me... its like he doesn’t know a single one of my sins. Not that I haven’t told him... and its not even a look that oh hey I know I just don’t care.... its like he refuses to see me in my own darkness. it makes me feel like I am not so fuckin worthless.... and he doesn’t bs or take my bs.. Or...

he’s a really good guy.

I felt the cold blades of reality slice me, falling to sleep on his voice.... a distant memory only a few days old.

I woke to the ring of my phone....

unknown 206-... -....

my brain shivered and stretched and yawned ... 206 ... that’s Seattle. Seattle...

"Rita?"
*grunt*
"sammmy... "
*grunt*
"there was an accident..."
*holding my breath*
"it doesn’t look good.... "
*barely able to speak...* "what... what?"
"Same as Dan... "
*tears flooding my eyes*
"I’ll call back when I know more..."

so I walked to the store, it was 7am... I bought a pack of cigarettes and I chain smoked until I had to leave for work....

11:30

*ring*

Sammy is gone forever from this place of existence... at least in the form I knew my Sammy as.

The cold cuttings of the love I miss, and the cold reality of the love that was taken from me... all I feel today is numb as I sit here smile and go on with life as if nothing has changed... I’m a little extra tired today.... gods I cant even finish a line of thought I think when I finally get home... I’ll just sleep.

a new desk top

2006-02-01T08:09:00.000-06:00

looking around coyly a poem +

2006-01-19T17:24:00.000-06:00

I shouldn’t tell you,
I shouldn’t say
Here see me as I stand before you
Stand before you in all truth
Truthfully I see great concupiscence in your skin.

It is our nature is it not?

It is our nature to sin
It is our nature to repent
It is our nature to be lonely
It is our nature to seek out company
It is our nature to want the most natural pleasures from life….
But, it’s not my place to open my mouth
It’s not my place to speak every desire
Some things are preordained to not be.

It is just the way things are you know?

I shouldn’t tell you,
I shouldn’t say
Here see me as I reach out to you
Reaching out in soft passion
Passionately wanting to show you the world.

It is something I didn’t want to say, you understand don’t you?

I didn’t want to scare you off
I didn’t want to cut into my own life
I didn’t want to make it discomfited
I didn’t want have to nurse it either
I didn’t want to not say anything, but I wanted to say it slowly…
But, I worry now I should have said something sooner
I didn’t want to do this wrong
Some things though don’t turn out how you see them going.

It is just that I never saw her coming…

I shouldn’t tell you,
I shouldn’t say
Here see me, I am beautiful
Beauty that goes beyond my skin
The kind of beauty I admire personally, though my skins not to bad either.
Here see me, I am waiting
Waiting for something good is worth it.
And though I am now, I will not be always, there’s a lot of good things in the world.
Here see me, I am full of life
Living every minuet looking for another smile
Life is to short to be sad… we should seek pleasure while we can.

I am glad this is off my chest

i know you do.. +

2006-01-11T09:33:00.000-06:00

He smiles softly, I watch him do it I know he’s holding back. He wants so badly to be free and he thinks caging him self will one day bring him there. I don't understand this. Perhaps he cages him self for the same reasons I will fast... perhaps he committed some great sin against the greater karma of the world and all other thing, perhaps he is punishing him self. He bares no black streaks of shame, he holds no ill in him, anger but they always seem to. I'm drawn to the fire because I like to watch things burn. Its such an odd place to be you know? Standing there so close to it you can feel the heat on your skin, you sweat and smile. It feels so good to be touched by it... god, I almost need to be drunk with him to numb the pain, to numb the desire to numb my mind to the possibly impossible. What I wouldn't give...

back on track, this isn't what I want to be thinking about. I have a task at hand, I have better intentions else wear; I don't need that kind of complication in my life right now anyways. No time for love and romance, not with him at least. I want fun, and mild diversions from the unreality I live in. I hate it when things cut in on my plans... I had set things slowly into motion... then they got cut off. Damn it, they got cut off...

he’s a distraction from the other; it makes me smirk just thinking about it. Think there on to me yet? Probably in all my discretion I very rarely try to be discreet... I never am anyways. I wonder...

remember though the first rule of fight club is there is no fight club.

bah... its 10:43am... I have to work soon...

ok... plans I need to plot more...

oh and in case you were wondering if u put firecrackers in a dryer, it does in fact blow up.

save me +

2006-01-09T23:52:00.000-06:00

From my sins before I get them done....

god... I need touch in my life again.

I dream of sweet kisses and wonderful
heavy hands

save me from my mind
before it gets me going...

god I need a muse in my art again.

I dream of someone.

bed and breakfast in his spoon. +

2006-01-09T18:15:00.000-06:00

I loved once, the kind of love you never recover from…. I thought until this very moment as I traced the lines of my scars that I was over it…. That was a lie. Its hard to type this right now, sweet salt water blocking my vision. I’ll never be over his deep glassed over blue eyes, his thin rail of a body, the cold of his touch on my cheek. You know, my friends they said the day he died he must have stayed with me, because I turned cold. It’s a funny thing about my hands, there almost always cold, they never were before him, before he left me here. I hate him for that, really I do. I hate him for loving his dragon more than he did me and I hate that he left me with that taste on the tip of my toung, I’ll be running my whole life. In all his flaws, he was so wonderful when he would look into my eyes and tell me, I believed every word of it to… he would tell me I was so perfect the was I was… he said he would love me forever. We swore it to the wind and he whispered it to the flame, and we danced it under the moon. We laughed it into the puddles we walked in late at night down pike st…. It was everything; he was everything I ever wanted. He loved me, because I was me…. He never judged me, he never wanted me to change unless I wanted to, and when I did he loved me just the same, always. I wonder if anyone will ever love me like that again.

new aim sn

2006-01-07T00:05:00.000-06:00

opiumstarscars

weeee a new skin....

2006-01-04T22:15:00.000-06:00

so I was gunna like make a nice pasta for tamarra but the state of un-pretty here got me distracted, ta da new and improved shinny!

more crap i'd like to pass off as art.....

2006-01-02T22:47:00.000-06:00

hes colored in ill, the first time i have colored something in ill... mmmm its diffrent.. i am doin him color in ps atm to see how it goes...

26 minuets of work to make utter crap...

2006-01-02T22:40:00.000-06:00

fast

2005-12-27T05:54:00.000-06:00

this smorning i spent 23 minuets trying to decide weather brushing my teeth would break a real fast... no food no water. i decided because the nature of this fast is NOT spiritual then it would not. so then are you wondering what the nature of this fast is then? it is wrong to truly wish ill of those who have done nothing to wrong you, i believe this to be one of the more important points of life. this fast is a punishment of the body for the sins of my mind. and i am very thirsty. and i am very hungry. and i will remember this pain the next time i go to think ill of someone, someone who has done me no ill. i will not be fasting again for sometime.

....................

16 word games

the sun

apologies fall slient

fffffffffffff (will sp latter maybe prob not)

from ashes ++ will sp latter

poems from the drive home from burning man

and be here when i get home

dreams

a beautiful thing (will sp lattr )

shadows and blood ++

tears (a poem will sp latter)

a dandylion war yet to be begun (a poem will sp latter)

truffles and bon bons with a cup of tea

pipe cleaners

fire ready aim, the yellow morning

brownies from heaven and cookies from hell

16 words: from martin and shin

love me as you walk to dream

dreamer

our wedding vows

poem - ribbon

True blood mmmm http://www.tvbump.com/true-blood-season-2-episode-1

IMG00551-20090604-2142.jpg

To the rain

With my hopes

to winter my lover (a poem will sp latter)

bruised wings (will sp latter)

Wanderlust revisited. (blue txt from an old post blak txt is new)

New desktop

prayer

hes in everyway what he is not (poem will sp latter)

oi

creature of show

there she lay

he has good words

rest a while ++

linger on my lips....

he came over me

my new dog!

got an lj

a new desktop...

Charming. ++

new desktop.

a needed break

god i suck

today is my birthday

remember me....

spirit of the green isle.

alone. +

to the memory

gchat poem reworked titles now "i am your forgotten Cambion"

to hilary

Oma

gchat copy and paste! (not spell cheking, maybe i'll do it latter)

drei +

cold heart

My how things have changed ++

GRUMPY +

dandelion wars, and the mad hatter +

Yehoshea +

new desktop! +

Kingdom of Ice and Flame +

Darkness comes for me +

The Crown +

The Kingdom +

there is beauty. +

Death *a poem* +

happiness. +

he was +

i cant believe it +

untitled *a poem* +

a new desktop +

here as it is.... +

a new look +

prayer beads. +

She was.... ***a poem*** +

new siggy and art.

my new love, lexi

out here on my own +

Death a poem +

untitled a poem +

She was.... a poem +

looking around coyly a poem +