life as it is +

its 8:36 am. I am in Texas I work at 6pm. I moved here to be happy, I moved here to make changes. I am living with a lovely woman who inspires the fancies of my desire to create. she is a single mother of a 10 year old daughter. I care very deeply for them both. in some ways, most likely unbenothest to her I have taken her in as my family and I would protect them with my life as I would my own. she’s asleep behind me right now on the sofa. I have been sick for 2 days. the air here is killing me - no really- its pouted and full of pollen. in other news I had tie food last night, there’s some amassing places. oh and there’s a rooster somewhere around here... and hen I find him there’s going to be a fucking bbq. I like my job. its a job. I like my coworkers, sometimes to much. and I have taken a real likening to pineapple soda. I have hope this was the best decision I could have made. I have hope it is time to learn more about the world I have hope.. and that’s a nice feeling.

ode to joy, and all others +

She sat most beautiful in my eyes, riding along in the country side. She sat full of dreams and magic. I longed to lean into her, the sweet feeling of joy tingling over my skin. I could thank her for the fresh air, but when I was with her I didn’t breath. I could comment on the music, but I never knew the song... so I would just sit there eyes closed, wide-awake dreaming. One day I would know my own joy... one day someone would look at me the way she gazed into her love... one day I would belong with someone.

He came into my life. We were perfect together. He was my first. He was the great passion and frustration. We lost hold of any innocence we had in each others grip. And yet... I never felt so pure again. It’s like nothing mattered. I would pray to be alone with him... he would gaze into me like joy, its just Sam never mad me tingle... Sam never made me look at him like that... I wondered if I was broken of love.... I loved him but not like he loved me. I cried and wished, one day I would be so deeply in love.

There were others in the interim. I raged and I thrashed and I cried and I laughed. no point in crying over spilt milk...

go to the cupboard get a new glass
thin dainty walls never meant to last
pour it only half way
fill it to full then, head the words I say
for you will be cleaning up milk all day.

All praise the good and glorious beauty of a man. All fall and melt and get gooey and sticky and like a marshmallow left out on the hottest day of summer... he was beautiful. He still is. He said he loved me, and maybe he did... I would have stopped anything, even the world spinning round just for one second with him. One 1/2 a second even. Perhaps the saddest part is that we never kissed. I went on craving him for ever... when I talk to him briefly about the weather I still think on him... I still wonder what he sees in her. I still wish I was her. I wish he wanted me still. I will always love him. One day, I will find a man who wants me who will take me and protect me.

*thunder claps* enter the distraction. Enter the rebound husband picking out china plates. Enter amassing oral sex that led to the downfall of woman kind when wrapped around the beautiful body of Mr. Acrombie. He could pose half naked for there store photos if he wanted to. He took me out of my dreams begged me to leave my insanity and my childhood far behind me and walk with him into the light of responsible adults with not jobs, but careers. And for some time I believed in him. He was from such a different place. His mom told me while we were talking that a c was ok in school, because as long as you have your degree you are no better or worse than the guy with the a. such a different world. one day I woke and I realized I wasn’t part of his world and I had to go home... he wanted to save me from my self, protect me from my world.. But I liked it. I did. One day I will find someone who is not out to change me.

Sweet sad boy. My Brian. I promised him the world; because in him I saw everything I ever was and am. I saw the scared child and the rage of the world. He went about it differently but it was all still there. He had beautiful photo eyes. He came and went disappeared and reappeared in and out of my mind... he was amassing... even if I never kissed him, even though I never will. I could I could get up and go there right now, but people like us, we would kill each other. We would burn into nothing. One day, he will be ok... so will I.

Time came and past, there was cheep meaningless sex.

He was just a fling, right. A one night on the way to a game pulled over having sex in the back seat fling. A beautiful raging sober Irish man. I found the NA book in his passenger side car seat. It was strange, I wondered what he did... but it seemed so long ago, I let it go and never bothered him about it. Maybe he just really liked the free coffee. He was my second hand smoking beautifully tattooed passion and lust. I wanted nothing more than to change the world to make him mine. I bet he’s with some small blond school teacher who on the weekends teaches Sunday school. I miss his prayer beads and I miss the prayers in his skin... he didn’t love me I didn’t want him to, I didn’t love him I could have though if he let me. He was just a few days... I still miss him, one day I’ll be missed when I am gone.

He stood there the giant Norse god he is and was. He smiled wrapping his hands slowly and tightly around my neck. He grabbed my waist so tight I was bruised for weeks; he was amassing in the sack. Another passer by... what was he to me. He didn’t want anything from me, he didn’t want to change me... he let me rant on and on and on and on and on about gaming. He knew I was scared of the dark, he didn’t care. He knew sometimes the floor attacks and he would fend off my demons with his smiles with his hands... he says he misses me now that I am gone... it’s a shame he didn’t just want me... only me. One day I will be solely desired.

I got on a plane, nervous and skitty... what if this is the wrong decision... I hate flying... what if not right now, what if latter was a better idea... I am scared. I am worried... I don’t know what to do.

He isn’t beautiful... he’s not. he’s sweet, well at least some times.... he says he desires only me... he wants to be with me alone... but... he I... he hands me what I wanted when I don’t want it. His dose things to redeem him self on occasion, bowls of sick soup... wonders of all wonders I chose him. And I love him, but I have loved before. And he says he loves me, but he hurts me and leaves me sore. I cry at night for him and from him. I want things to be like they were when I was cute and still seducing him... I want things to be sweet again. I don’t want to be yelled at.

he’s so sweet, he smiles at me
something about his eyes set me free
I forget who I am and to whom I belong
I wonder if this can last for very long
I day dream kisses one sweet summer days
I dream on wishes to please his ways
I wonder where my mind aught not be
for he is not mine and I am not with he.

All the tears, the pain.
all the wonder and happiness I have gained...
the sweetest song combined in my soul...
all the lost, past and present, future loves I will ever know.

change +

Change is a wonderful and ugly thing; there have been so many changes in my life. I have moved to a new region of the world, my mind my soul and my heart have expanded... things are so different... I have hope again.

More on this latter.