You do not know how my skin can burn
how my body can break
how my back can curl.
You do not know the clawing and pulling of flesh upon skin
as I pull you inside and welcome you in.
you do not know the push and the shove
the passion and beast that i hide behind love
you do not know the most vivid part of me
and god how i wish i could set the beast free.
you do not know how i enjoy pain
how tears can well up and i come one in the same
you do not know the most driven part of me
because i hide that part
afraid of what i could be
a slave to my passion and a slut to my lust
i tuck the hunger away from all i cant trust.
i hide it even at times with the few
that i let see me released untied and unskewed.
I want you to look see me as I am
the coward and thief and slave to demand.
I picture you hand and it tries for me neck
then i breath a last breath
before my little death.
you could know and find if you tried
a world a pleasure between us could reside.
you could smile my mind and
rapture my skin
and be something like my very best friend.
if you could see me and think of me whole
then i could relax and left the waterfall flow.
You can play muse and I can play song
of the passion I deny because I'm scared that its wrong.
I'm scared your heart has no room
or that in time my heart it would consume
that you would shader my delicate skin
leave me bruised from without to within.
but all of that fear I'd take more than for the regret
that I was afraid to touch you
because it made me so wet.

no

sick

it is this quick sick need
to be what i am not
that makes me crawl from under my skin
that makes me dig in deeper into this hole
and sink.
it is this fouled want to be normal that i have always carried
to be like everyone else
to be sated in the mundane. 
to wake and smile and make breakfast
always in the same way
this want to be your perfect doll of a life.
And I will try for it
I will do all I can to never think again
I will do all I can to kill the pieces of me I once thought made me
unique.
I will want what everyone wants.
I will be what everyone exists as.
I will reconcile only the simple American family
mother, father son and daughter.
There will be no room for anyone else.
There will be no place for any other love.
spinning and falling,
I will be empty and smile
and I will have done it all in some twisted need for love.

ki bishvilah atah tamid melech ha'olam

I have sealed my heart for you
That your eyes may never see.
I have taken all this love
and let it out of me.
I have let out every word
Old and tangled prayer
to a god I do not believe in.
because no one else was there.
And as the light of tomorrow graces this nights dark sky
I have felt my self breath and let out this last cry.

I will be something else.
I will live alone in my soul.
I will smile this lie and you and I will know.

I can not keep the sun from rising,
and the moon is long betrayed
I can not let these eyes see me
I am to afraid.
I could have walked down paths with you
That I will now not dream.
This is to much pain to feel
for something that can not be.
His eyes were right the differences
are many and to great.
So I will seal my heart away
and deny I feel this way.

I am over flowed in love
and over flowed in regret
I can not live like this
but still im living yet.

I will do as always done,
pretend I am not me
I will live some other life
and be some other thing
I will die inside tonight
and you will not even know these words.
I will stop sending them
and you will never look.
I was never special
And the sun only saw one face
I tried to tell him otherwise
but the lie took its place.

I can not escape this reality
and I can not let it go
You will never know the words
I love you from my lips.
You will never know the feeling of our combined hips.
You will never touch me
as I always said you can't
and I will not more pester you with my long and meaningless rants.

I will sit alone then,
with the sun to warm my skin.
And he will never talk to me
and I will cry with in.
I to will keep this pain away
and only cry in art,
for there he can not see me
there we are apart.

I have lost all will to try
because my fear consumes all
so here is the lie I'll say,
I love you not and never did.

Slut

It is the sweat and fuck of lust
that clouds the eyes of men.
The sweet silk that slides from her legs
that tangles their hands and hearts.
It is the prick of her climax
that pulls out then their blood
and it is the release the follows that covers her face in shame.

And I, a helpless player stuck in this play.
And I, preforming in ways I never wanted to
but yet then burn to be.
I want it.
And I'm ashamed.
these dirty things are not for wanting.

It is the rigid pull of her hips
and the arc of her back that leans in deeper
faster, heavier to match the pace of her breath.
It is these sounds of exhilarated joy she whispers
that bring them here to listen, to watch
to want to know.
It is her unsatisfied hunger and burning in her eyes
that make them see her this way.

And I, unstated even in and after the peak of climax
seek more.
Greedy and lustful I hear there lips moving the words
and I do not care, simply I need more
I embrace this shame.
even when I can not admit it with my lips.

I pray you two, don't judge me. 

to touch

Sweet dreaming becomes my body this night.
The thought that your hand may touch me.
The smile that you may one day embrace me.
The freedom to feel and express.
I have always wanted to write for you
for your eyes to know.
for my heart to be weak before you.
for there to be greater truth.
And as my eyes close now
I can picture the lingering want tucked easily into my body.
Your body perfect in its imperfection
And your hands.
I want to trace the many shapes of you
Run my hand over you like clay
sculpt and know you in ways more intimate than words.
Tho words are all I can give you
Because right now words are all you have taken.
This sweet dream, even in a moment of sorrow brings me happiness.

it feels like

was it always the truth of things
covered up in shadow corners
tucked away ashamed of the fear of it all.
would it have been better to say nothing?
would it have been better to lie to my self?
I cant know now.
I never knew then
and one day it all poured out. 
I said, your eyes are the ones that see right through me
they see what Ive said since the beginning.
even when i never said it.
You always knew.
And you, know me in some strange way unlike others.
Tears strike me down,
and the shaking of my body humbles me in this thought.
What more than love can I give you?
what more than your sured happiness can I interrupt.
I am the goddess of all other universe and under you,
I crumble.
Under you, I lay a quiet dream that only now I can realize has been sleeping.

So played the boy and girl
to dance, and sing and be free
out in the fields of youth unstained by blood and badgers.
and still this fear cuts at me,
this fear of rejection even now
it burns me some place deep and quiet
some place under my flesh and past my bones.
some place i do no tread,
and you play there like a child unknowing.
I have nothing for you but these words.
Action outside of them still so unsure,
I love,
because I do so naturally.
Because you are beautiful in all your sin.
Because, I am my self with you like I never am.
Because, it feel like the right thing.
If only you could take away the fear,
I would be waiting your embrace. 

Wanderlust Resounded (blue text from wanderlust, black text from revisited and red text from resounded)

What is it that I am, but a sinner and a thief.

Samsara is for Buddhists who choose to dedicate them selves to truth, one unchangeable unbendable truth and find out that truth is liquid.

The only truth of these things is locked somewhere to far away to ever know, so then we can only have this moment. And days from now when we try and remember, we will remember distorted, so in this moment which is all we have remember the bitter truth that this to will in seconds be a lie. 

 

If home is where the heart is, I must lack a heart. If I have no heart, how could I love, how could I hate, How could I cry how could anything that I do so naturally? If home is what I seek could I not just return from where I come from? Where I came from now is so lost and deluded in false feelings and thought that it is ever gone to me. The memories of a joyful youth and sorrowful expansion may all just be illusions of a dotted existence. How could I love, how could I hate how can I cry? In a simple mockery of this thing they call emotion I dance and jest. The most supreme actor, and I wonder am I alone in this play?  In 5 weeks exactly I have been in Albany for a year. I have all ready missed my run, as it is always at same time, clockwork. If I seek to see the math, if I seek to find the pattern in what I am naturally, If I seek to find my self should I change my patterns or simply how I see my self in them and then change my self? What am I to change, to change would I have needed to know what I am. To know my self, must I not look back on the events that brought me here, and if my memory is inaccurate then is my View of self a lie as well? Then if this is true can one change nothing? I have not disappeared; the large sum of money I am spending to make my migraines go away is what has kept me here. If I seek only to sustain my self, food and shelter, then am I not freer than I have ever been dreaming of white picket fences in other people’s yards? If I deny my dream, the thoughts I have seeking betterment, am I giving in, being complacent? There is a part of me that cries from under my skin for the truth of life I find when I run, when I wonder. There will always be some part of me that seeks the new, that seeks the birth, the creation of life. There will always be some part of me that wants to know the world. I believe I am a child of my times, A child. I believe that I have seen the wonders of different cultures and different peoples and different languages and religions and rights and wrongs through the digital God. And I find now, worshiping at that digital gods temple things are no so far from my reach. There is a world I desire and dream to know, there is a place where I want to hide out in the rivers and out in the forest. I want to know a world more beautiful than this. I want to wake be be joyed, I want to rest and have fulfillment. I do not want to wait forever and to found I have died here in this place i despise.   How do you define your self, how do you know you are strong, how do you know anything at all. You know when you test your self. You know you are when you believe it to be true. You know it more when you forget and you have been reminded. I remember. So long I have searched for the answers to these questions, and so many others. And perhaps I will search forever, and perhaps I simply need to decide for my self that I know and stop searching, but now is not the time for that. Now the time is coming, and I must decide what I am, who you are. Where life is going. Now is the pinical of all things in the world, in my mind, in my choice. I can make this what I want, I can want what this is or I can change. How can I change, and who am I?  Is there a god, am I loved, does life have meaning… Perhaps the only meaning in life, is what we as humans what we as animals give it.

What I know today to be true, what I see tomorrow could be different, Perhaps the only truth to be had is what I believe in today, Knowing that truth is liquid… knowing and accepting the random and intentional change of my truth, all truth. It is time to grab these reigns of chaos and run charge into something, collide and hope the pieces of it turn out beautiful, I am all the meaning I will ever need.  All the many questions of my mind and of general existence will never be answered, but what little truth I have known I have known in the moments of my run. I have known truth only through chaos, so chaos so far has been my only truth. The only thing that I know is that tomorrow things may be different. Tomorrow Is the only absolute and it is always undiscovered.  Tomorrow you may not love me, tomorrow I may not love my self. You even in your words can not say. There is no guarantee. Nothing is promised, only my own mind only my own self.. who is that.  I have seen the worse and the best of life, I live in a quarter million dollar house, I do not need for anything, I have seem the worst in the best of life, I have been idle in my mind, I have been accepting to the ins and outs of what I should desire, and In all truth I have no love for things that are not soaked in unpredictably. A story who’s ending can be guessed at is not one worth telling, so then it is not worth living. I do not know where I might be in 3 years, 3 months, 3 days, 3 hours, 3 minuets from now from this very moment. And, that truth is beautiful, that truth excites me. I am no longer afraid of what is unknown. I no longer think I need to know to move forward. Someone a few days ago told me an old Russian proverb that went something as follows “the only thing worse than walking down the wrong path is to keep going on it.” I choose to follow the path of today, and so I will never be on the wrong path for long. And here I am still, and now my body screams for the change, it screams for the wanderlust I was born in. It screams for the sake of screaming. Will you come with me, out into the unknown and live a life dripped in uncertainty? Will you stop asking, stop looking and just jump? Will I ? Can I still, I have before, thats how I got here. Its time for a change.  there is nothing here in this house to make it my home however. I was born in San Diego California, which is not my home I do not remember it I did not even live there a year. I have lived in Texas, Washington state, Organ, California, BC, Louisiana, West Virginia, Hawaii, New York, and probably other places which I am forgetting to list, and in all of them I have not a home. I have found a home more than I ever could have believed to be true. I have found something to love, and I have seen how it could be eternal. And in this failed love, and I find new, like always like ever my hear was broken and then repaired. It is this strength I have never forgotten. the strength of the cold who never cry.  I have felt home in only a few moments of my life... I know, what I have not ever until yesterday and the days before it, I know that tomorrow the roots may be ripped away from me, but today I have it and tomorrow I can remember I did so it’s possible to have it again. It is not home I was ever seeking, but my self through the memory of home.  I have felt real and alive only in moments that could break a person. I have been dead, bound by my laws bound by what I though I should be. I have been ugly because I have felt ugly, I have been Stupid because I have felt less than others, I have imposed others views on my self, and In many ways I still do, but I can see now that that dose not matter, I am as beautiful, and smart and god like as I Choose to be. Yet I can not chose to love how I dream I should. Have you almost died before? Yes. I could be dead 5 minuets from now so what is worth anything more than the happiness of now? The air smells so sweet right after you almost die; you suck it into your lungs holding on to it never wanting to be parted from it, never threatened in never smelling it again. This memory of death, again is corrupted. I must cast it out to remember life.  I lived in fear, I am fearless. I see no end so I have no end to fear. I see only that things might change and it might be good and it might be bad, but regardless there will always be tomorrow. Maybe not for me but, maybe that dose not matter. Tomorrow is to far away to be known, instead now is all there ever was. Have you ever been hungry? Yes, I have hungered for love, truth, acceptance, understanding and conformity. I ate until I was bloated on these things, and still now full in them the wanderlust screams. Not hungry because you were to lazy to make food, not hungry because you don’t get paid for 3 more days and all you have left is peanut butter… the kind of hungry I mean it is the hunger you feel when you have no home, Home is an illusion, and so is hunger. I now know what it means to sate my self. I forgot what it was to sate the need. when you are someplace strange to you and you must rely solely upon the kindness of strangers, you must rely on chance. You must rely on cunning.  it is in this hunger you under stand how beautiful the world is, you understand how things are out of and entirely in your control You understand nothing and after food will always taste better. You will think that it has greater taste but your memory is flawed and this to is a lie. And in this sating my hungers is a good way to pass the time. In this I see that tomorrow my sources for happiness for debate for stimulation for food and for shelter may be moved, and I will need to find them again and I will always have them inside my self If I can learn to change things. its been a year and still every time I eat I want to cry because I know how lucky I am to have food to eat. I cried because I though I should, I do not now. Tears are often wasted in a time of drought, though I had enough money to provide me food and to provide me shelter, I would rather again starve than to think and dwell on what was than to look to tomorrows change. I will stop looking and exist.  Have you known fear? Real pure fear, fear for your very existence and kept going? I know now, that I must learn to fear nothing. And that when I do I might be more complete, I might be more insane, but I will be something different and still the same, or perhaps it will change nothing. Only tomorrow or tomorrows tomorrow will know and I am not there yet. I have learned nothing worth knowing.  I have, and it is why I have never tried to kill my self. But not why I never will. And it has not kept me from thinking. I know, I know that there is nothing in this world that can stop me; There is, and it is only my self and my mind. I know I can survive because I always have. I know I can survive because I still am, I do not know when that will stop, but frankly I do not care. So long as I am alive I must keep living. That knowledge is more of a comfort that any god, lover or friend I have ever had. Knowledge is the best God, the most sacred friend and the source of many peoples fear, and I hope one day not the source of mine. Why, why do I run, because I have no choice. I run because I can and because it excites me. I run because the constant new stimulus has brought me here. I run because I was born this way, because at my core the single thing i can not be is my wanderlust.  Because, I do not deny my heart, Because I will not deny my own will. because somewhere I must have a home.. Because there are 1000 undiscovered homes.  Because I have to know, and find the places i dream. Because no drug, illegal or otherwise will ever make me feel as alive as I feel when I find freedom in my wanderlust.

grieve

And I run to you
shelter from this cold lonely place.
And I hold tight to the thought of you,
one that clearly you can never live up to,
and for that I apologize.
I am sorry I held you in such grace that you were set to disappoint me.
I am sorry that your eyes looked right through me
I am sorry that I have nothing useful to offer you as recourse.

And I run from you
Another shadowed harm in the storm.
And I let go all the hold you had for me,
one I regret to have given you,
and that I feel timid to give again.
To scared your eyes will fall in judgment on my weak form.
To scared that you have and will never see this as it is.
To scared to tell you why it hurt so much.

And I run
Deep into a place I have always shared with you
A maze of intent and structure.
And I run
So far from the debt collector coming,
I have let off the price of rubies to long.

I don't know how to stand now.

the darken dryad

Take my hand sweet child
I will take you away from this place
Take my hand and follow
And we will leave into the dense wood
We will cross and travel up and down the streams
We will go someplace you have never seen
And we will never return.

You will taste this fruit made by gods,
The old gods do not slumber here.
Your past will fall away from you,
Like you were never born,
Like you will never die,
Like you can not remember now.
You will have my love to hold you.
You will have my kiss to reflect back upon.
You will have me,
here in this place far from man.

You will sink into my earthen body,
and I will consume you whole.
I will welcome you into the cold and ever still of my arms
and you will breath me into your lungs.
I will tangle you in vine
and you will feed me in blood.

We will not grow old here
We will not sleep here
We will not hunger or pain here
we will be only together
full and sated in our tie.

Come with me my sweet child of man,
take my hand that I can steal you from this world.