untitled *a poem* +

Do you see it when you look at me?
It’s the beautiful tragedy of a mystery.
soft and harsh, cool and flamed,
what you’d give to know the name...
what you’d sell to see my soul
what you’d kill to have me whole...

do you see it when you look at me?
its my lonely life of misery...
alone and lost, delicate and frail,
what I’d give to be like her
what I’d sell to be obscured
what I’d kill to know I was known..

No one...
no one but you see me...
to all others I’m a mystery...
something soft yet loud
something lost yet found
something almost unreal..
To you I am just... me.

She was.... ***a poem*** +

She was beautiful
She could take a man from any woman,
She had even taken men from men.
She had ruined happy homes.
I know,
Your thinking you can ruin a happy home
It has to be unhappy…
But she
She was beautiful.
She was beauty.
The undeniable illuminate child of Aphrodite.
When you looked her in the eyes
You knew she was steeling every secret passion form your heart
You knew she would kiss better than a god
You knew her hands would knew just where to rest on your body
And you knew,
Knew more than anything else you were the only one she ever loved
You were the only one she ever would,
Just like ever other man in the room… you were the only one.
Then out of no where she would say it
She would say your name
She would promise you imposable things and you would believe her
Why?
Because she is beauty…
Her skin her face her lips, her perfect tits... Everything her legs, her hips...
And surprisingly her soul, and mind.
She was everything you dreamed of…
Even if you didn’t know it
And god knows how but she was in your reach,
This angel,
This princess,
This goddess…
She …
She burnt in you mind at night haunting you
Your hand moving down.
A man has needs…
All you could see was her face..
She got under you skin
You had to have her
She was beauty..
God I cant even tell you..
Cant even explain it..
I wonder where she went.

i am 21 years of age +

he smiles at me this smorning.... I wonder what my tnl is, I don’t remember but I know I have a way to go. I am setting this goal now, 30 by next month. I want cor as my main class.... I’m talking about ffxi, I know no one who reads this probably knows what I am on about. At this point I don’t know if anyone does, but I was never writing for anyone but my self anways.

I’m going back to Albany soon, not for ever just for a week. It will be nice to see my family, they should have there pool open by then.

My body aches.... I want to die.... it hurts inside. Oh well.

I am updating ffxi and coh/cov for me and tiff.

I really just want some soup.

I really just want to go back to sleep.

I really just wish he wasn’t working.
He reminds me so much of Andy, but with a healthy and working sex drive.

I think I will lie down...

he’s the world to me, really.

so he smiled and I started falling +

It’s a strange thing, the heart. How many times have I broken it, over and over and each time I manage to come back. Each time I manage to come back from what must be the most painful experience, each time I come back ready for more. I must be a masochist, I tell my self this as I lay here typing this on nicks sidekick watching him close down his store. He smiles at me as I lay here and it melts all the fear and remembrance of my last heart break. Watching him kick the ps2 I know that I am ready for him to be my next. So unlike anything I would ever see my self with.... But just the same here I am. I willnt tell him that when I thought I might loose him today I broke down inside, I willnt tell him that I sleep better when I know he's there. I willnt tell him that his touch elevates more pain than 2, 40’s. I willnt tell him that I think about him constantly. When they know its so much easer for them to hurt you. Just watching him sing along with nofx makes me happy, I can barely tell that my belly aches and that my ankle is twisted. I know this well end with my broken heart, but there is no high like the rush of passion and emotion I currently feel.

and there she was a beauty to behold +

I sit here now in nicks car, waiting on lady zy to emerge from her place, sitting waiting to go home. Tiffany’s boyfriend lives with us now, and after tonight I wonder if she wishes things were the way they once were, before other people interfered in the moments I had a lone, she says she misses me... I miss her to. I miss… things the way we were. Brad makes me mildly sexually uncomfortable, and tiff keeps mentioning I could fuck him which doesn’t help. He says he misses me to, he doesn’t even really know me. I stayed out much latter than I had planed to tonight, tomorrow I will try not to feel like a third wheel around tiff and brad, but at some point there will be sexual tension and ill feel misplaced. I really hope I haven't hurt tiff.... Nick makes me so happy though, and I not the third wheel with him, I just want everyone to be happy. I know I am silly, that's all I have ever wanted though.

life as it is +

its 8:36 am. I am in Texas I work at 6pm. I moved here to be happy, I moved here to make changes. I am living with a lovely woman who inspires the fancies of my desire to create. she is a single mother of a 10 year old daughter. I care very deeply for them both. in some ways, most likely unbenothest to her I have taken her in as my family and I would protect them with my life as I would my own. she’s asleep behind me right now on the sofa. I have been sick for 2 days. the air here is killing me - no really- its pouted and full of pollen. in other news I had tie food last night, there’s some amassing places. oh and there’s a rooster somewhere around here... and hen I find him there’s going to be a fucking bbq. I like my job. its a job. I like my coworkers, sometimes to much. and I have taken a real likening to pineapple soda. I have hope this was the best decision I could have made. I have hope it is time to learn more about the world I have hope.. and that’s a nice feeling.

ode to joy, and all others +

She sat most beautiful in my eyes, riding along in the country side. She sat full of dreams and magic. I longed to lean into her, the sweet feeling of joy tingling over my skin. I could thank her for the fresh air, but when I was with her I didn’t breath. I could comment on the music, but I never knew the song... so I would just sit there eyes closed, wide-awake dreaming. One day I would know my own joy... one day someone would look at me the way she gazed into her love... one day I would belong with someone.

He came into my life. We were perfect together. He was my first. He was the great passion and frustration. We lost hold of any innocence we had in each others grip. And yet... I never felt so pure again. It’s like nothing mattered. I would pray to be alone with him... he would gaze into me like joy, its just Sam never mad me tingle... Sam never made me look at him like that... I wondered if I was broken of love.... I loved him but not like he loved me. I cried and wished, one day I would be so deeply in love.

There were others in the interim. I raged and I thrashed and I cried and I laughed. no point in crying over spilt milk...

go to the cupboard get a new glass
thin dainty walls never meant to last
pour it only half way
fill it to full then, head the words I say
for you will be cleaning up milk all day.

All praise the good and glorious beauty of a man. All fall and melt and get gooey and sticky and like a marshmallow left out on the hottest day of summer... he was beautiful. He still is. He said he loved me, and maybe he did... I would have stopped anything, even the world spinning round just for one second with him. One 1/2 a second even. Perhaps the saddest part is that we never kissed. I went on craving him for ever... when I talk to him briefly about the weather I still think on him... I still wonder what he sees in her. I still wish I was her. I wish he wanted me still. I will always love him. One day, I will find a man who wants me who will take me and protect me.

*thunder claps* enter the distraction. Enter the rebound husband picking out china plates. Enter amassing oral sex that led to the downfall of woman kind when wrapped around the beautiful body of Mr. Acrombie. He could pose half naked for there store photos if he wanted to. He took me out of my dreams begged me to leave my insanity and my childhood far behind me and walk with him into the light of responsible adults with not jobs, but careers. And for some time I believed in him. He was from such a different place. His mom told me while we were talking that a c was ok in school, because as long as you have your degree you are no better or worse than the guy with the a. such a different world. one day I woke and I realized I wasn’t part of his world and I had to go home... he wanted to save me from my self, protect me from my world.. But I liked it. I did. One day I will find someone who is not out to change me.

Sweet sad boy. My Brian. I promised him the world; because in him I saw everything I ever was and am. I saw the scared child and the rage of the world. He went about it differently but it was all still there. He had beautiful photo eyes. He came and went disappeared and reappeared in and out of my mind... he was amassing... even if I never kissed him, even though I never will. I could I could get up and go there right now, but people like us, we would kill each other. We would burn into nothing. One day, he will be ok... so will I.

Time came and past, there was cheep meaningless sex.

He was just a fling, right. A one night on the way to a game pulled over having sex in the back seat fling. A beautiful raging sober Irish man. I found the NA book in his passenger side car seat. It was strange, I wondered what he did... but it seemed so long ago, I let it go and never bothered him about it. Maybe he just really liked the free coffee. He was my second hand smoking beautifully tattooed passion and lust. I wanted nothing more than to change the world to make him mine. I bet he’s with some small blond school teacher who on the weekends teaches Sunday school. I miss his prayer beads and I miss the prayers in his skin... he didn’t love me I didn’t want him to, I didn’t love him I could have though if he let me. He was just a few days... I still miss him, one day I’ll be missed when I am gone.

He stood there the giant Norse god he is and was. He smiled wrapping his hands slowly and tightly around my neck. He grabbed my waist so tight I was bruised for weeks; he was amassing in the sack. Another passer by... what was he to me. He didn’t want anything from me, he didn’t want to change me... he let me rant on and on and on and on and on about gaming. He knew I was scared of the dark, he didn’t care. He knew sometimes the floor attacks and he would fend off my demons with his smiles with his hands... he says he misses me now that I am gone... it’s a shame he didn’t just want me... only me. One day I will be solely desired.

I got on a plane, nervous and skitty... what if this is the wrong decision... I hate flying... what if not right now, what if latter was a better idea... I am scared. I am worried... I don’t know what to do.

He isn’t beautiful... he’s not. he’s sweet, well at least some times.... he says he desires only me... he wants to be with me alone... but... he I... he hands me what I wanted when I don’t want it. His dose things to redeem him self on occasion, bowls of sick soup... wonders of all wonders I chose him. And I love him, but I have loved before. And he says he loves me, but he hurts me and leaves me sore. I cry at night for him and from him. I want things to be like they were when I was cute and still seducing him... I want things to be sweet again. I don’t want to be yelled at.

he’s so sweet, he smiles at me
something about his eyes set me free
I forget who I am and to whom I belong
I wonder if this can last for very long
I day dream kisses one sweet summer days
I dream on wishes to please his ways
I wonder where my mind aught not be
for he is not mine and I am not with he.

All the tears, the pain.
all the wonder and happiness I have gained...
the sweetest song combined in my soul...
all the lost, past and present, future loves I will ever know.

change +

Change is a wonderful and ugly thing; there have been so many changes in my life. I have moved to a new region of the world, my mind my soul and my heart have expanded... things are so different... I have hope again.

More on this latter.

last night..... +

looking around coyly ***a poem*** +

I shouldn’t tell you,
I shouldn’t say
Here see me as I stand before you
Stand before you in all truth
Truthfully I see great concupiscence in your skin.

It is our nature is it not?

It is our nature to sin
It is our nature to repent
It is our nature to be lonely
It is our nature to seek out company
It is our nature to want the most natural pleasures from life….
But, it’s not my place to open my mouth
It’s not my place to speak every desire
Some things are preordained to not be.

It is just the way things are you know?

I shouldn’t tell you,
I shouldn’t say
Here see me as I reach out to you
Reaching out in soft passion
Passionately wanting to show you the world.

It is something I didn’t want to say, you understand don’t you?

I didn’t want to scare you off
I didn’t want to cut into my own life
I didn’t want to make it discomfited
I didn’t want have to nurse it either
I didn’t want to not say anything, but I wanted to say it slowly…
But, I worry now I should have said something sooner
I didn’t want to do this wrong
Some things though don’t turn out how you see them going.

It is just that I never saw her coming…

I shouldn’t tell you,
I shouldn’t say
Here see me, I am beautiful
Beauty that goes beyond my skin
The kind of beauty I admire personally, though my skins not to bad either.
Here see me, I am waiting
Waiting for something good is worth it.
And though I am now, I will not be always, there’s a lot of good things in the world.
Here see me, I am full of life
Living every minuet looking for another smile
Life is to short to be sad… we should seek pleasure while we can.

I am glad this is off my chest

bed and breakfast in his spoon. +

I loved once, the kind of love you never recover from…. I thought until this very moment as I traced the lines of my scars that I was over it…. That was a lie. Its hard to type this right now, sweet salt water blocking my vision. I’ll never be over his deep glassed over blue eyes, his thin rail of a body, the cold of his touch on my cheek. You know, my friends they said the day he died he must have stayed with me, because I turned cold. It’s a funny thing about my hands, there almost always cold, they never were before him, before he left me here. I hate him for that, really I do. I hate him for loving his dragon more than he did me and I hate that he left me with that taste on the tip of my toung, I’ll be running my whole life. In all his flaws, he was so wonderful when he would look into my eyes and tell me, I believed every word of it to… he would tell me I was so perfect the was I was… he said he would love me forever. We swore it to the wind and he whispered it to the flame, and we danced it under the moon. We laughed it into the puddles we walked in late at night down pike st…. It was everything; he was everything I ever wanted. He loved me, because I was me…. He never judged me, he never wanted me to change unless I wanted to, and when I did he loved me just the same, always. I wonder if anyone will ever love me like that again.