look at me now

Look at me now
so graceful and full in my form.
Dancing for you even when you can not see
even when you do not know.
Look at me now,
better than I have ever been.
Built stronger in my will to be,
drunk full on the sweet leavings of wine
and dusted in the ever morning of the night.

Look at me now
so content in my skin
not locked in and chained up by my mortal seeming.
not bound in my desire to isolate my mind
not stuck in the darkness of my regret
I come now peeking over and bending,
That I, the goddess of my universe am due worship and pleasure.
Drink with me my lovers, my friends that we can be whole under the moon.
And I love you all,
because my heart is endless and eternal.

Look at me now
so happy living in my day to day
laughing playing and making light of the smaller things.
even when you are not here,
part of you is kept with me.
Even when you do not know,
I think softly of you.
Even when, in regret and fear I remember my distrust of you,
I smile thinking you will have the rest of my life to rebuild in me
if you chose to.
IF you wanted it.
If I meant enough to you.
I would always let you back in.

Look at me now,
see what you have done to me.
See what I am becoming now
as I have seen it
as you have told me
as I will continue.
with and without you.
for and in spite of you.
Because of all the things that were,
and because of everything that will never be.
My eyes are open now,
Look at me, as I can see in this vivid light.

as if you could see me she said

so played I the dancing fool
to love and be loved
the quite dream ticks.
and ticker tatter on the keys of my soul I said,
be like the god who see me
be like the one who knows
and never known was my effort.
and never known was my reason.
and so fall from couds heavy and soft
did my body drop and my mind drip.
Were his lips so hesidant that the vivid sight could break in my eyes.
was the intimacy of it all to deep
with so many currents under-swept in the flow of it.
that the battle forged on and that the song bird died in her sleep.
I sang once your song
one of love and of hope
that never return again to my broken patterns I would go
and now broken open in my skin
is the pulsing abscess of my heart.
bleed for me and fuck away this sadness.
and all I have ever been is a repeating one night stand.
so danced and played so well
even I did not hear the music.
Even I was his Fool.
Even I so captured in the need for confinement in my mind
let go the walls to welcome him
and so was he the unwitting trojan horse. 

lover love me
I cried
and heard not my plee, lost to the sound of the song.
But I will compromise my want to be full in your wine I begged.
Drunk on the smell and sight of you,
dancing on the ever flow of your echo.
slipping from the quicksilver to the quickflame.
I was one beautiful when you saw me.
But your heart and mine are fickle lovers.
Pricking and prodding the expanse of what can be tolerated. 
Finding that I too, have always been alone.
Finding that I too, will always be at the core the shadow on the wall.
finding that there is no place for me in this world of action.
and slipping deeper into the dark here again
in my safest safe place the place of words I hide.

I hide my self as tho you had never seen me.
I hide my regret that I spoke at all.
I hide my heart-broken fingers as they ticket tatter away.
Read not my skin again for now,
that lover be only a title for no one can be let into my body
no one now can be let close as I regain control.
As I remake what I was once,
As I smile in this cold night whose milky darkness weeps in mirrored action of my own.
As I assume the frozen throne and crown again in my responsibility.

I will be not the jester for I am the queen.
I will be not the child who at night in storms scream
I will be only cold and calculated and cool,
and those who obey me will now play the fool.

That I could love and be loved and still seen transparent unveiled in only truth
was a failed and folly dream.

But I will still love for you in my heart locked away.
and when no one is looking I will dream of a day
When Outside my window the sun melts the snow
and summer has come
and beauty can grow.
And maybe in time and development and change
I can be free of my walls and free of the rain.
That the floods will stop and the path be made clear
I will hold on to a prayer that one day one year,
I will dance and I will sing
but not as the fool
I will eat sweet wines and love my lovers true.
That I will be what Ive never become whole and wanted
for ever in love.

hello, goodbye.

he was the place where dreams could go where on the winter hills covered in snow a child could play and a girl could sing because he was the place made out of dreams. and she was the place that let the earth spin who covered in garlands had the love of a friend. but lost somewhere inside of time and of space she fell from the earth her feat losing there place.

a fine wine

it is the need for this that I miss,
the come and go the
push and pull of this game
dancing on star clouds and ribbons
it is this that i long for.
the place i go to be free
so far lost to my fingertips now..
and as i traveled up and down those...
those long seamless rivers of passage,
soft air in my face
bitter night in my hair
searing want in my mouth
clenching song in my gut,
i remembered.  
i remembered your eyes on me
those eyes that saw everything and nothing
those eyes which i wonder,
will they ever know me?
i remembered.
i remembered the warmth found in the window of the morn,
the soft melting of the sun upon the sins of my flesh.
and i knew, it would always be there for me.
I will never run from the sun,
I will never turn from those eyes.
I will wait, that maybe one day under the suns bright light
my shadow form will melt
and he will see me
in plain and vivid sight for the first time.
i will be known in the world.
i will be remembered for just a moment.
I will be treasured.
it is this I miss,
the exchange of dream in world.
the flowing freely of sorrow pierced under my blouse. 
it is this, my greatest want,
to live in that world.
a world of words and of dreams
rich and golden
saturated in love.

control and beauty.

what is it that we are really seeking when we cut our callories to 500 a day, what is it when we force our selves through hunger and cramps, what are we trying for? us it so when he looks at me, he sees beauty? no, because i know that what he sees. he.finds me desirable. is it so i see my self as beautiful? no, because i kniw my goal is not reachable. is it because i need to have control, is this just an extension of the box i never noticed before now? i wish i knew so i could snuff out this sickness.

broken barbi dream

it is the revibe and flow
found here in your hands that calls me to shadow memory.
my love... lover... lovely.
i am bent and broken to you forced to tell all...
and now i can not.
living in this shadow.
i too have become the lier.
i too will live in disknown.
for ever i would run and lay in your feilds.
not all things can be healed in your issued word.
to give up the box, was but a snall gesture.
to return to consuming correct,
i can not.
i am not strong enough.
my body ugly and scared.
i can never be so perfect for you.
for him...
for my self.
what worthless skin i lay in.
and i see a form so close to perfection...
ill never be like that.
ill never be beautuful. it hurts ne to look.

im sorry i cant tell you.
im lonely i cant tell anyone hiw much i die inside over this.

eye for an eye

do you know
you are the first safe place i have had
the place I can shelter in
from my own raging torments.
gone from me to soon to be able to stand

for your lips to have validated this debt.
how could you?
how could you want to take the place of that shadow sin?
how can you say you love me
and then
then,
leave me feeling worthless and expendable.

do you know what you have done?
this debt taken for you.
absorbed by you of all people

dreams that will never come

To the woods with me,
come running and play my love.
Out under the trees rejoice with me.
Let me take up my fill of ecstasy in you.
Let me lay down upon my knees in worship.
Let me look up to find your body,
so built in desire
so constructed of needful flesh
so beautiful in its dark radiance.
Let you be the stars of my skin my love.
Let you shine in my night to keep me warm for the sun.
To the woods with me,
dancing and drunk in the sound of drums and laughter.
Take my hand in yours and next to me
fall deep into slumber.
Fall deeper into my dreams with me.
The taste of you.
The love of you, my love.
So much that we could rejoice in that night.
Our night, the only night we have ever had.
That for one day, I was yours whole...
That you claimed me under the light
That you had me under the moon.
That we played and made merry music.
That... we were free to love.
To the woods with me,
deep into the thicket of brambles and could-bes.
deep into the darker desire I feel. 
deep into the light you shed over me...
my love.
this one night and day, out under the trees.
Lay there with me,
that I can hold the memory forever...
That once you loved me so whole. 

and it cuts right though

I knew him once,
and never.
and so unfairly I jugged him perfect.
I saw in him every strength and beauty that could be found in a man.
I saw in him every thin worth worship,
and to the lie of it I cast out all those things which were broken.
I begged him,
come and lay with me my hooded rogue.
come and steal me away from my self
and i fell into his arms so far
I lost all sense of my self. 
I trusted him so wholely that I forgot to look behind me.
and the knife, it cut right through me.

it tore out my heart that he could not hear me
that his words were as shattered as mine
it cut me cold and deep
that he could not see his reflection in my eyes.
and everything i longed to give him,
every thing i wanted so deeply to show him was to far
to far from me...
he was to distant.

Was I ever in his arms?
that he could whisper to me words that were as true as they had ever been...
some old dorment beauty that you have forgotten...
it comes alive in you for moments and seconds
he purred this into me once, 
and yet
how many times have I screamed out his glory.
How many words have i weaved into monuments to him. 
How many times have I given my mind and my body to his whim,
knowing love.
was I ever?

I knew him once,
and never.
The king of the night he lives in.
The stars that shone so bright they were like one thousand suns...
I knew him the might the mighty, the perfect human man.
That all his flaws made him worth loving.
That all his prefection made it so you had no choice but to love.
That he inspired works of art
that he inspired feats of will.
that he inspired me to try...
I knew him..
and I loved so freely, I loved.
Because, nothing had ever been so worth trying.

and even when for a moment I could glance at his form
I found,
my heart shaking and my eyes lightended
as he was the brightness that warmed the dark.
for ever in my heart.
if only,
I could know him,
if only he knew.
How much I believe in him.

if only in his eyes

if he could see me,
as i am
as i have always been
with his eyes and his hands
if he could hold me
prehaps some drop of the glory of his form would lean into me.
prehaps some small flicker of his light could live under my skin.
prehaps i would be nearly as beautiful as him.
if, he could see me.

it was like
he was the most beautiful thing i had ever seen
when in those perfect times i was around him.
it was like
he is the most vivid man of my dreams
when in those distant moments i was away from him.
it was like he was all i ever wanted him to be
because, he was so perfect.
he was so perfectly flawed.
he was so beautiful.
and it hurt,
it cut colder than any knife
and hoter than any blow
to think, he him self
was blind.


i see him,
as he is
as he has always been,
with my eyes and my hands
i hold him.
and with every waking moment i know the perfect glory of his form, and i beg for it.
and with every waking moment i know the blinding light of his soul and i cling to it.
and he, is in my heart the defenition of beauty.
i see him, in it this way forever. 

the melt

its been so long that i have been crippled of you my lover.
to long past now have you come to play games with me
were i sad that i thought you did not love me now.
the melt of all things cradeled in yout hand
the clitter clack the ink and quill
the expression of words i would not even know to think.
Is this his fear,
that in building me i would lose my self?
I have never feared you so gone.
I have always waited and you return.
my love,
my deepest love
my longest kiss, you consume me.
you slide out of me
and from me flows a river of lucid dreams.
For here I am a warrior stricking down the dandelion warriors
ravishing past the bluebell barbarians
defying the beatnik beetles and lovely lady bugs.
here it is I have always existed
deep in your quicksilver pool
I love you I wisper,
and so returns my own voice
I am my OWN champion she yells!
and so..
time passes..
and i fall into the melt again.
the deep earthed melt of him, of you, of all others, of the sun.
and I cant forget what I was,
and I cant be what but what i am.
and I cant say no.
its been to long that i have laid in wait lover for you to take me.
long past now what i can stand,
to live and die in you my scarlet friend
and i love...
the sudden release i feel in the climax of your images. 

to die in his arms

There is a place i do not go
to fearful of the things i may find
there is a place i can not say
and for it i require time.
to off set from reality
to far gone from the norm
i find my self lacking solid ground
i find my self lost in this raging storm.
and in his arms i can find shelter
from the thousand words and rage
in his eyes i can find safty
for i see he knows the way
in his touch i can find exasty
as tho release had never been had
and in all these things im finding
i find the place i fear to go is not so bad.
i fear the release and let go of
i fear the death of memories
i fear the present and the tingling
sensation that it brings
i fear so much i fear that i will never be free
but in his arms i find the death
that lets me be me.

the melt

its in your hands i shake lover
melting between your words
finding place within your eyes
falling and flying in your commands
it is your breath i want to feel on my neck
and your love i carry in my pen
and you...
you are so beautiful.
and i...
i will love you always.
It is a love of unchained need I have in you.
It is a love of undemanding gift i have in you.
and in you, i am what ive never been.
my eyes wander,
and my thoughts trail
when did this become?
when did my hands crave your skin
and my skin burn for your touch?
when did i turn over the key to my fortress to you
when did i let you in
why did i accept you so completely ..
why did i give you all the power?
it felt right my love,
that you would take the lead.
and now, pulled in
pulled out
in you, i find a new release.
in you, i find a new hope
and for that, for this for everything that has happened,
i thank you in words i cant speak.
thank you for every way you have changed my world
thank you for wanting to make it better.
thank you...
my love.

its the melt of my self crawling up from my legs
its waves and crash and flow of you.
the presure of you aginst me
the greedy hands pulling and consuming
its everything that breaks
and bends
and thrusts into me
its the need...
and it was born in quiet words
it was born in honesty
decided honesty...
it was born in wanting to know you
and wanting to be seen
outside of sex,
not consumed in it...
and now longing for it.
it was..
and you are
a dream.

and all the things ive ever been,
ive never been someones submissive.

The Rapture parts I - V

Part I The Mind.So play hidden in me,
the softest secret even to my self.
that I am waiting to bend free of me
that I am waiting to forget my self
that I will not have to be lost in here forever.
So dance the softest foot
across the dew drops of thought
that I, whole in mind can be sated.
that I, raging and smashing aginst the shore can calm.
that I, can breath and exist for nothing more than that moment.

And locked, away in shame
a rouge comes here now.
nimble fingers and sing song words
rattle me out of my cage.
will you consume me?
will you dominate my ticking tock to your time?
Will you forge me Shadow man into a creature of light?
Will I glisten and shine in clarity and wholeness?
Will I become better and clean?
And locked, away in fear
a poet come to play ink to my skin
destroying the chains of thought
shattering the prison of my mind.

Part II The Pack-Rat
A chill runs in me.
A violent and cold chill comes up from under my body.
The rigid need for complete control of self isolates me.
The refusal to let go,
the inability to release.
Holding in my hands ever thought and memory of self
Packrating the ugly and the bad,
tarnishing the beauty of the world.
My hands are to full to keep moving,
To full to hold anything else...
and in sudden sharp pain
I feel it.
The sharp harmonic sound the cloth
wiping from my face so much soot.
And in rapid hunger I sink into it.
Tooth and nail I fall in.
Where will all these treasure go if I leave here?
Who will care for my dead?
Who will keep the veils of sanity tight?
Who will protect me from the world
if not my self..
if not my memories.
if not all these things I keep afraid to let fall into the night.

Part III And forgotten
Upon flesh and skin
I feel the forgetting of my pain.
And I let go
All the things I feared.
Within your hands I cry for the hurt of it
the hurt of reforging.
the hurt that its been so wrong for so long.
and,
I let
go.
Forgotten are the times I could not
and living vivid now
lifefull and playsome
are his eyes in me.
and my faith in him.
The sheild to protect me
that I may wonder free into the battle feild of my youth
and come out the other side grown.
growing.
That no chains can hold me.
That my hands are open to the sun, the stars and the moon.
That I escaped the bath of blood
that  I forgot where the blood came from
that i can
let go.
and be forgotten of my dough.

Part IV Weight of you
crawl upon me my lover.
is that what you are?
wispier me to sleep
wispier me to orgasm
wispier me to the image of what i could be.
and in you,
i will be.
play me like im made of strings
strum into me the perfect sound
that i can hear it
that i can know it
that i can be as beautiful as i became in your eyes.
the earthshaking weight of you
of your beauty
of the power you play over me
of my complete submission
warped up in words and sensation ..
I am yours tonight.
I am subject to your whims.
I am broken and loved.
I am whole and seen...
and I cant escape this
because its all I ever wanted in you.
because, you are the strength i seek in my self
because the weight of your voice
is to heavy to out run.

Part V Even now
Even now, 
sated from my hunger
I dream of that night
of my body fluid under your command.
Even now,
accepting of your affection
I wonder what ive done to earn your sight
I wonder why me?
how did I become so lucky.
Even now,
in the after glow of passion
I am timid to ask you...
I am timid to admit.
I want to give every price of my self to you
I want to live and die in your hands.
I want  
I want you to break me of my self
I want you to rapture me.
I want to be reforged with your strength.
But I cant.  
I cant ask you.
Not yet.
This story is not yet finished,
and I can not force it.
I can only wait.

Even now,
I lay waiting
Trusting that you know better.
Trusting that you will not harm me.
Trusting you to see me different.
That one day, even I can see my self this way.


 

a drop of dew

Lay me out on the midnight moon,
naked here in this field of grass.
the leaves and wind pinpricking my skin
I feel the cold shudder come over me.
It pulls at my hair and spins me around
the earth sprouting up thorny vines
it cuts and bends and shapes me...
the cool earth...
raging like fire against me in this endless cold.
its eyes cut into me
they tear me from my flesh
they free me from my mind
and i exist then in that moment as the wind
floating outside my self
watching the raging fuck and fight of flesh upon him below
his hands consume me
his body breaks me
and in all of it
there is nothing but elation.
Nothing but climax...
nothing but the look of control
nothing but my relenting to what is
to what i want
to what he would give
drunk on his smell
high on the feeling of him clawing me... digging into me... 
making me yelp and whimper and cave
forcing me beyond where i can walk alone
pulling me into the soil into the dirt into the rocks
and i love his eyes on me.
and i love his breath on me
and i love him.
and i lust for him... all the parts of him.
perfect for ever in my flawed memory.

laying naked in this cold..
waiting.

cold wind

There she sat
Queen of ice,
frozen in her ever sold memory.
She watched them play and age
and she, ageless and motionless could do none the same.
Where was the childhood she was never granted
Born full and whole.
Carved skin from snowflakes.
Where was the past she was denied,
The family to love her...
So cold,
To cold to even cry
To cry for what she new knew,
What she watched
High from her throne.

She watched the world ugly,
and timeless
and withdrawn, one thousand lives flashing before her
and fading out all at the same time..
and her eyes rested and stopped on just one. 
A frail child, to thin to small,
A child playing in the sun
warm brown skin

She saw the innocence of joy
and more than ever in that moment she longed for it.

Were it as tho time had slowed
Things had stopped she watched the child age...
And tears formed at her eyes as she watched the child Fall.
The girl fell to addiction and lust and fuck and self destruction.
She watched as the girl got lost in grief.
she watched as one by one those the girl loved died,
she was there the night all innocence was dead to the girl...
She was there the next day watching the girl
watching as she placed the needle in her arm...
and she stood by in the silence of winter as
the girl slowly whored and destroyed her body and mind until she was so cold...

The queens hand out stretched to touch her own youth.

ruined eyes

I have released the fear of your eyes on my words
I have let go the fear even of them on my brush strokes.
Linger only the fear of your eyes on my skin.
seeing me as scared as I am.
Knowing the imperfections of my tone
seeing the nicks and tears and snags,
the stretched and the twisted of my flesh.
I fear laying before you naked.
exposed.
Vulnerable.
delicate and ruined.
I fear that you judgment will fall hardest
on me
that I will be left crying and broken
cold on the floor alone as your reject this.
I fear you will never see me in love as I am,
if you never see me this way.
and I do my very best to hide it.
To hide.
Will you think im attractive if were alone? 

dream to wake

when I dream
I dream of your hands
crawling up into my skin
I dream of a touch forbidden and accepted.
to feel the echo of you inside me
tearing me into pieces in the vibration.
I dream of the destruction of my self in you.
And I dream of the birth that comes then after.
That first gasping for air after the last breath of a former life
The rocking of my body
trembling in your hold.

When I dream
I dream of your eyes
melting into my flesh and finding me in judgment
the Magister of my body in that moment
to feel the acceptance of you
to feel the pull of you drawing me near and commanding me to my knees.
This is a first life,
A world born in this moment.
Passion burning so great and so deep that I may crack and leak tears for its beauty.
The beauty of this man before me,
leaving me breathless.

When I dream
I dream of your smell
A thing I never so close that I could know it before this moment.
I dream of it filling my lungs
heightening the chemical compulsion to have you inside me.
to pull you on to me
to gasp for air as you force your way in
to arc my back and kick up against you
for my eyes to roll and your firm hand to hold me in place
to take hold at my neck,
to turn me over and tangle your hands in my hair.
To make me collapse in the weight of pleasure. 
To make me cry in the dance of pain
To blend them in my skin as tho I have never felt anything else before that moment.


But when I wake,
I find nothing is as it would be when I slumber
Only the memories of sleep to run by
and the wetness between.

nearness

it is the ups and downs
the high and the low
humming
vibration of these thoughts
that drive me to be what we never were.
and you said once,
with eyes that looked right through and past me
that I was the destructive cycle you feared.
and I, see in you the break of destruction that I fear.
it is the lowest moments with you
that I spend
doubting my self. 
and its the highest moments with you that i spend elated.
My face shattered from smiles.
and Its in trust that I can tell you my fear,
and slow I cast it out.
Its the nearness to you I crave.
To take in the sight and sound and smell of you.
To watch the quiet play of thoughts
ziping
streaming and scouring past your eyes
on your face and in your hands.
It is the nearness to your greatness that I want.
In any form
In every form
that I can get
I will take from you.
But, only in what you can give.
Only in where you say.
Only by your prescription of thought.
the ups and down
leveling out...
and I withdraw again from you.
For a moment alone.

fuck you - a new poem

please look at me as I tremble in unrest,
that so familiar smile grinning across my chin like helpless child waiting for you to take my hand.
Its a rare form of love and pleasure i feel welling in the safety of my heart.
as you look up at me and i lean over and smile at you.
I will not say the 1000 thoughts that coarse my mind in that moment.
Why?
why are your eyes so beautiful and sad and angry... and happy?
why do I insist to trace your form with my eyes?
why do I feel so on fire when I look at you...
You...
Small god.
I see in you my better... and a form of inspiration.
I pull away from you as little as I can now because i am not afraid.
so that you can see me and make me shine.
Your touch
this thing that exist only in a cloud of never ever to me
I couldn't let you hug me
I couldn't let you, not you
please touch me...
god... please embrace me..
I tremble...
and it plays in my head like some filthy snuff film
my heart if i showed you it
i plays and screams and ...
and i....
i feel pulled to come here
to feel you come behind me
smile deep in my flesh.
this teasing pass of interaction
this dark meaningful play i light in my words
for the 1000 things id never say to hurt you
your beautiful eyes...
ill never say
fuck you for asking me for truth
fuck you being so beautiful.
fuck you for seeing me as something worth looking at,
worth seeing and being seen by.
I'll never say that
and I'll also never say thank you for inspiring me. 
now even the sun tastes brighter.

father

it is the echo of your fist coming at me
and my shaking form hiding from the light.
I can not escape this cage
rattled and barren i have always existed here.
In the moments of that warm needle
searing into my body a forever need
a forever run
that I knew the only release of you.
that your voice was quiet.

I have cut out pieces of my flesh
desperately trying to sever the bond of my sire.
Claiming to have forgotten and forgiven
but now as this drug drips down my thought and into my belly
I know you are the beast of my dreams
The creature coming to destroy me
The thing I must forgive
tho I never learn to.

You taught me everything unique and precious
was wrong and sinful.
You showed me the love your father showed you.
And your rage,
I fear the same rage lives in me.
I fear I will die crippled with the damn disease that cripples you.
The self annihilation of hate.

I will be free of this

You do not know how my skin can burn
how my body can break
how my back can curl.
You do not know the clawing and pulling of flesh upon skin
as I pull you inside and welcome you in.
you do not know the push and the shove
the passion and beast that i hide behind love
you do not know the most vivid part of me
and god how i wish i could set the beast free.
you do not know how i enjoy pain
how tears can well up and i come one in the same
you do not know the most driven part of me
because i hide that part
afraid of what i could be
a slave to my passion and a slut to my lust
i tuck the hunger away from all i cant trust.
i hide it even at times with the few
that i let see me released untied and unskewed.
I want you to look see me as I am
the coward and thief and slave to demand.
I picture you hand and it tries for me neck
then i breath a last breath
before my little death.
you could know and find if you tried
a world a pleasure between us could reside.
you could smile my mind and
rapture my skin
and be something like my very best friend.
if you could see me and think of me whole
then i could relax and left the waterfall flow.
You can play muse and I can play song
of the passion I deny because I'm scared that its wrong.
I'm scared your heart has no room
or that in time my heart it would consume
that you would shader my delicate skin
leave me bruised from without to within.
but all of that fear I'd take more than for the regret
that I was afraid to touch you
because it made me so wet.

no

sick

it is this quick sick need
to be what i am not
that makes me crawl from under my skin
that makes me dig in deeper into this hole
and sink.
it is this fouled want to be normal that i have always carried
to be like everyone else
to be sated in the mundane. 
to wake and smile and make breakfast
always in the same way
this want to be your perfect doll of a life.
And I will try for it
I will do all I can to never think again
I will do all I can to kill the pieces of me I once thought made me
unique.
I will want what everyone wants.
I will be what everyone exists as.
I will reconcile only the simple American family
mother, father son and daughter.
There will be no room for anyone else.
There will be no place for any other love.
spinning and falling,
I will be empty and smile
and I will have done it all in some twisted need for love.

ki bishvilah atah tamid melech ha'olam

I have sealed my heart for you
That your eyes may never see.
I have taken all this love
and let it out of me.
I have let out every word
Old and tangled prayer
to a god I do not believe in.
because no one else was there.
And as the light of tomorrow graces this nights dark sky
I have felt my self breath and let out this last cry.

I will be something else.
I will live alone in my soul.
I will smile this lie and you and I will know.

I can not keep the sun from rising,
and the moon is long betrayed
I can not let these eyes see me
I am to afraid.
I could have walked down paths with you
That I will now not dream.
This is to much pain to feel
for something that can not be.
His eyes were right the differences
are many and to great.
So I will seal my heart away
and deny I feel this way.

I am over flowed in love
and over flowed in regret
I can not live like this
but still im living yet.

I will do as always done,
pretend I am not me
I will live some other life
and be some other thing
I will die inside tonight
and you will not even know these words.
I will stop sending them
and you will never look.
I was never special
And the sun only saw one face
I tried to tell him otherwise
but the lie took its place.

I can not escape this reality
and I can not let it go
You will never know the words
I love you from my lips.
You will never know the feeling of our combined hips.
You will never touch me
as I always said you can't
and I will not more pester you with my long and meaningless rants.

I will sit alone then,
with the sun to warm my skin.
And he will never talk to me
and I will cry with in.
I to will keep this pain away
and only cry in art,
for there he can not see me
there we are apart.

I have lost all will to try
because my fear consumes all
so here is the lie I'll say,
I love you not and never did.

Slut

It is the sweat and fuck of lust
that clouds the eyes of men.
The sweet silk that slides from her legs
that tangles their hands and hearts.
It is the prick of her climax
that pulls out then their blood
and it is the release the follows that covers her face in shame.

And I, a helpless player stuck in this play.
And I, preforming in ways I never wanted to
but yet then burn to be.
I want it.
And I'm ashamed.
these dirty things are not for wanting.

It is the rigid pull of her hips
and the arc of her back that leans in deeper
faster, heavier to match the pace of her breath.
It is these sounds of exhilarated joy she whispers
that bring them here to listen, to watch
to want to know.
It is her unsatisfied hunger and burning in her eyes
that make them see her this way.

And I, unstated even in and after the peak of climax
seek more.
Greedy and lustful I hear there lips moving the words
and I do not care, simply I need more
I embrace this shame.
even when I can not admit it with my lips.

I pray you two, don't judge me. 

to touch

Sweet dreaming becomes my body this night.
The thought that your hand may touch me.
The smile that you may one day embrace me.
The freedom to feel and express.
I have always wanted to write for you
for your eyes to know.
for my heart to be weak before you.
for there to be greater truth.
And as my eyes close now
I can picture the lingering want tucked easily into my body.
Your body perfect in its imperfection
And your hands.
I want to trace the many shapes of you
Run my hand over you like clay
sculpt and know you in ways more intimate than words.
Tho words are all I can give you
Because right now words are all you have taken.
This sweet dream, even in a moment of sorrow brings me happiness.

it feels like

was it always the truth of things
covered up in shadow corners
tucked away ashamed of the fear of it all.
would it have been better to say nothing?
would it have been better to lie to my self?
I cant know now.
I never knew then
and one day it all poured out. 
I said, your eyes are the ones that see right through me
they see what Ive said since the beginning.
even when i never said it.
You always knew.
And you, know me in some strange way unlike others.
Tears strike me down,
and the shaking of my body humbles me in this thought.
What more than love can I give you?
what more than your sured happiness can I interrupt.
I am the goddess of all other universe and under you,
I crumble.
Under you, I lay a quiet dream that only now I can realize has been sleeping.

So played the boy and girl
to dance, and sing and be free
out in the fields of youth unstained by blood and badgers.
and still this fear cuts at me,
this fear of rejection even now
it burns me some place deep and quiet
some place under my flesh and past my bones.
some place i do no tread,
and you play there like a child unknowing.
I have nothing for you but these words.
Action outside of them still so unsure,
I love,
because I do so naturally.
Because you are beautiful in all your sin.
Because, I am my self with you like I never am.
Because, it feel like the right thing.
If only you could take away the fear,
I would be waiting your embrace. 

Wanderlust Resounded (blue text from wanderlust, black text from revisited and red text from resounded)

What is it that I am, but a sinner and a thief.

Samsara is for Buddhists who choose to dedicate them selves to truth, one unchangeable unbendable truth and find out that truth is liquid.

The only truth of these things is locked somewhere to far away to ever know, so then we can only have this moment. And days from now when we try and remember, we will remember distorted, so in this moment which is all we have remember the bitter truth that this to will in seconds be a lie. 

 

If home is where the heart is, I must lack a heart. If I have no heart, how could I love, how could I hate, How could I cry how could anything that I do so naturally? If home is what I seek could I not just return from where I come from? Where I came from now is so lost and deluded in false feelings and thought that it is ever gone to me. The memories of a joyful youth and sorrowful expansion may all just be illusions of a dotted existence. How could I love, how could I hate how can I cry? In a simple mockery of this thing they call emotion I dance and jest. The most supreme actor, and I wonder am I alone in this play?  In 5 weeks exactly I have been in Albany for a year. I have all ready missed my run, as it is always at same time, clockwork. If I seek to see the math, if I seek to find the pattern in what I am naturally, If I seek to find my self should I change my patterns or simply how I see my self in them and then change my self? What am I to change, to change would I have needed to know what I am. To know my self, must I not look back on the events that brought me here, and if my memory is inaccurate then is my View of self a lie as well? Then if this is true can one change nothing? I have not disappeared; the large sum of money I am spending to make my migraines go away is what has kept me here. If I seek only to sustain my self, food and shelter, then am I not freer than I have ever been dreaming of white picket fences in other people’s yards? If I deny my dream, the thoughts I have seeking betterment, am I giving in, being complacent? There is a part of me that cries from under my skin for the truth of life I find when I run, when I wonder. There will always be some part of me that seeks the new, that seeks the birth, the creation of life. There will always be some part of me that wants to know the world. I believe I am a child of my times, A child. I believe that I have seen the wonders of different cultures and different peoples and different languages and religions and rights and wrongs through the digital God. And I find now, worshiping at that digital gods temple things are no so far from my reach. There is a world I desire and dream to know, there is a place where I want to hide out in the rivers and out in the forest. I want to know a world more beautiful than this. I want to wake be be joyed, I want to rest and have fulfillment. I do not want to wait forever and to found I have died here in this place i despise.   How do you define your self, how do you know you are strong, how do you know anything at all. You know when you test your self. You know you are when you believe it to be true. You know it more when you forget and you have been reminded. I remember. So long I have searched for the answers to these questions, and so many others. And perhaps I will search forever, and perhaps I simply need to decide for my self that I know and stop searching, but now is not the time for that. Now the time is coming, and I must decide what I am, who you are. Where life is going. Now is the pinical of all things in the world, in my mind, in my choice. I can make this what I want, I can want what this is or I can change. How can I change, and who am I?  Is there a god, am I loved, does life have meaning… Perhaps the only meaning in life, is what we as humans what we as animals give it.

What I know today to be true, what I see tomorrow could be different, Perhaps the only truth to be had is what I believe in today, Knowing that truth is liquid… knowing and accepting the random and intentional change of my truth, all truth. It is time to grab these reigns of chaos and run charge into something, collide and hope the pieces of it turn out beautiful, I am all the meaning I will ever need.  All the many questions of my mind and of general existence will never be answered, but what little truth I have known I have known in the moments of my run. I have known truth only through chaos, so chaos so far has been my only truth. The only thing that I know is that tomorrow things may be different. Tomorrow Is the only absolute and it is always undiscovered.  Tomorrow you may not love me, tomorrow I may not love my self. You even in your words can not say. There is no guarantee. Nothing is promised, only my own mind only my own self.. who is that.  I have seen the worse and the best of life, I live in a quarter million dollar house, I do not need for anything, I have seem the worst in the best of life, I have been idle in my mind, I have been accepting to the ins and outs of what I should desire, and In all truth I have no love for things that are not soaked in unpredictably. A story who’s ending can be guessed at is not one worth telling, so then it is not worth living. I do not know where I might be in 3 years, 3 months, 3 days, 3 hours, 3 minuets from now from this very moment. And, that truth is beautiful, that truth excites me. I am no longer afraid of what is unknown. I no longer think I need to know to move forward. Someone a few days ago told me an old Russian proverb that went something as follows “the only thing worse than walking down the wrong path is to keep going on it.” I choose to follow the path of today, and so I will never be on the wrong path for long. And here I am still, and now my body screams for the change, it screams for the wanderlust I was born in. It screams for the sake of screaming. Will you come with me, out into the unknown and live a life dripped in uncertainty? Will you stop asking, stop looking and just jump? Will I ? Can I still, I have before, thats how I got here. Its time for a change.  there is nothing here in this house to make it my home however. I was born in San Diego California, which is not my home I do not remember it I did not even live there a year. I have lived in Texas, Washington state, Organ, California, BC, Louisiana, West Virginia, Hawaii, New York, and probably other places which I am forgetting to list, and in all of them I have not a home. I have found a home more than I ever could have believed to be true. I have found something to love, and I have seen how it could be eternal. And in this failed love, and I find new, like always like ever my hear was broken and then repaired. It is this strength I have never forgotten. the strength of the cold who never cry.  I have felt home in only a few moments of my life... I know, what I have not ever until yesterday and the days before it, I know that tomorrow the roots may be ripped away from me, but today I have it and tomorrow I can remember I did so it’s possible to have it again. It is not home I was ever seeking, but my self through the memory of home.  I have felt real and alive only in moments that could break a person. I have been dead, bound by my laws bound by what I though I should be. I have been ugly because I have felt ugly, I have been Stupid because I have felt less than others, I have imposed others views on my self, and In many ways I still do, but I can see now that that dose not matter, I am as beautiful, and smart and god like as I Choose to be. Yet I can not chose to love how I dream I should. Have you almost died before? Yes. I could be dead 5 minuets from now so what is worth anything more than the happiness of now? The air smells so sweet right after you almost die; you suck it into your lungs holding on to it never wanting to be parted from it, never threatened in never smelling it again. This memory of death, again is corrupted. I must cast it out to remember life.  I lived in fear, I am fearless. I see no end so I have no end to fear. I see only that things might change and it might be good and it might be bad, but regardless there will always be tomorrow. Maybe not for me but, maybe that dose not matter. Tomorrow is to far away to be known, instead now is all there ever was. Have you ever been hungry? Yes, I have hungered for love, truth, acceptance, understanding and conformity. I ate until I was bloated on these things, and still now full in them the wanderlust screams. Not hungry because you were to lazy to make food, not hungry because you don’t get paid for 3 more days and all you have left is peanut butter… the kind of hungry I mean it is the hunger you feel when you have no home, Home is an illusion, and so is hunger. I now know what it means to sate my self. I forgot what it was to sate the need. when you are someplace strange to you and you must rely solely upon the kindness of strangers, you must rely on chance. You must rely on cunning.  it is in this hunger you under stand how beautiful the world is, you understand how things are out of and entirely in your control You understand nothing and after food will always taste better. You will think that it has greater taste but your memory is flawed and this to is a lie. And in this sating my hungers is a good way to pass the time. In this I see that tomorrow my sources for happiness for debate for stimulation for food and for shelter may be moved, and I will need to find them again and I will always have them inside my self If I can learn to change things. its been a year and still every time I eat I want to cry because I know how lucky I am to have food to eat. I cried because I though I should, I do not now. Tears are often wasted in a time of drought, though I had enough money to provide me food and to provide me shelter, I would rather again starve than to think and dwell on what was than to look to tomorrows change. I will stop looking and exist.  Have you known fear? Real pure fear, fear for your very existence and kept going? I know now, that I must learn to fear nothing. And that when I do I might be more complete, I might be more insane, but I will be something different and still the same, or perhaps it will change nothing. Only tomorrow or tomorrows tomorrow will know and I am not there yet. I have learned nothing worth knowing.  I have, and it is why I have never tried to kill my self. But not why I never will. And it has not kept me from thinking. I know, I know that there is nothing in this world that can stop me; There is, and it is only my self and my mind. I know I can survive because I always have. I know I can survive because I still am, I do not know when that will stop, but frankly I do not care. So long as I am alive I must keep living. That knowledge is more of a comfort that any god, lover or friend I have ever had. Knowledge is the best God, the most sacred friend and the source of many peoples fear, and I hope one day not the source of mine. Why, why do I run, because I have no choice. I run because I can and because it excites me. I run because the constant new stimulus has brought me here. I run because I was born this way, because at my core the single thing i can not be is my wanderlust.  Because, I do not deny my heart, Because I will not deny my own will. because somewhere I must have a home.. Because there are 1000 undiscovered homes.  Because I have to know, and find the places i dream. Because no drug, illegal or otherwise will ever make me feel as alive as I feel when I find freedom in my wanderlust.

grieve

And I run to you
shelter from this cold lonely place.
And I hold tight to the thought of you,
one that clearly you can never live up to,
and for that I apologize.
I am sorry I held you in such grace that you were set to disappoint me.
I am sorry that your eyes looked right through me
I am sorry that I have nothing useful to offer you as recourse.

And I run from you
Another shadowed harm in the storm.
And I let go all the hold you had for me,
one I regret to have given you,
and that I feel timid to give again.
To scared your eyes will fall in judgment on my weak form.
To scared that you have and will never see this as it is.
To scared to tell you why it hurt so much.

And I run
Deep into a place I have always shared with you
A maze of intent and structure.
And I run
So far from the debt collector coming,
I have let off the price of rubies to long.

I don't know how to stand now.

the darken dryad

Take my hand sweet child
I will take you away from this place
Take my hand and follow
And we will leave into the dense wood
We will cross and travel up and down the streams
We will go someplace you have never seen
And we will never return.

You will taste this fruit made by gods,
The old gods do not slumber here.
Your past will fall away from you,
Like you were never born,
Like you will never die,
Like you can not remember now.
You will have my love to hold you.
You will have my kiss to reflect back upon.
You will have me,
here in this place far from man.

You will sink into my earthen body,
and I will consume you whole.
I will welcome you into the cold and ever still of my arms
and you will breath me into your lungs.
I will tangle you in vine
and you will feed me in blood.

We will not grow old here
We will not sleep here
We will not hunger or pain here
we will be only together
full and sated in our tie.

Come with me my sweet child of man,
take my hand that I can steal you from this world.

closed eyes

to shake my body of this image that I might rest
to close my eyes with out the death winding up inside me
to not be shaken in my greed and lust to end all moments.
this, is a world I have forgotten
a world I wish would forget me.
It would have been the pin knife if not the intoxicants.
I couldn't breath.
And I shook, and i span and i... wanted that old kiss
that breakfast in a soon kiss.
that it all melts away kiss.
that final kiss of the stars.
that rest. so still after the spasms.

And when I look to the sun,
I feel an overwhelming regret
regret that i was born made this way to sin.
regret that i cant speak as freely to the sun
regret that i cant change the world to make it simple.

what I would give to rest now,
to crawl inside my self so deep i cant be found.
and what I would give for you to shatter this lie.

looking at me with closed eyes
was all i could ever ask of you.

come to me like a riddle built from sand.
slip and slide through my mind.
the if only and the if I were.
I feel the dreamed presure were it  real
drunk on this so sure sin.
this beautiful rapturous sin.
tangled in my hair as words pull me back into them.
it would be me to flaw things this way,
to darken and cloud my life in these worthless moments.
and your eyes shift on me from desire to pain
the curved blade in my belly.
the sprial of self doubt and shame.
please, then don't be cruel.
see this me as I am
know the frail
timid quiet beauty I hide

and I will come away from now, come away from this darkness and see the morning sun. I melt in the warmth of his love.

please... slip through me seemless like sand.

16 words - adam

come creep upon me ninja of my flesh,
pitter put put golf holes to my soul.
I will bow down in tribute to you.
your beautiful dynasty, something to long for.
the blue devil of my angelic prayer.
devil me raptured in your touch.
let lose the element of surprise upon my back
running polo horses across my spine
I will bend and dodge and miss every last moment here.
blinded in the aura of your brute force.
hunted like a safari capture.
punctured with your sabre form.
full force Saturn V into deep space.
you will never be valiant, I wouldn't want you to.
Something more the civic center of my existence.
the raider stolen away from this moment.

time

and i can feel the indulgence
leaking from fingertips into the thought of you.
My Sun, my light who blocks all else
I could see the perfection of this moment and all moments there in.

It could be so perfect in you.
In your arms each night sleeping away the day.
And in the middle days you would know,
that my here and there tastes of tough and pleasure
had nothing to subtract from you.
You would stand happy knowing,
it was only ever you I wanted to come home to.

want.

I want to rapture you in my words
I want them to crawl up into your mind
wrap around it
and melt into you like sex.
I want your body to shake
and tremble as you eyes
gently move across them.
I want to kiss you with thought and intention
more even than action
I want you to look then at this naked form and know.
Know, everything I will ever be.
Know, everything I will never be.

I want you to tell me its okay,
I want you to tell me you understand what I am saying.
I am tired from this game of dodge and jump
I am ravaged in the winds of this whisper
I am scared to see you.

And as much as I run from your closeness
I desire it.
Could I kill all desire from my body
Lay it to bed deep in the earth
never to wake never to plague me
Could I cut off all physical feeling
I could be free to love you as I might,
As I do in quiet shadows of thought.
never before have I dreamed a world with out desire.

I want somehome to know...
That this dream could never exist outside of the grasp of Μορφεύς
Some part of me needs you to pull away from me
some part of me begs it.
all the rest, bleeds to think it true.


I want you to see these words. 
I want you to know them and read me were I a book
I want you to see between the lines and past the fuck
I want you to know about this place,
deep in me I keep hidden.

I want you
to see.

destroy

come now into the dark creases of my mind
see the sin I'm begging fall from my lips
slip into this light with me
that we can see each other as we are,
that we can be the beasts we hold back
those creatures to callus to care.
and then, take me.
wrap your hand behind my back and force me into the wall.
melt your stinging flesh into me
capture my soul in your fingertips
digging so deep they leave forever scars on my textile scene.
I want to smell the rot of you rising up from the
fuck and sway of your hips.
and more than that,
I want you to look deep into my whiten murky eyes and know me.
please.

And after the creation of undeath build
in the sweat and fuck and raw of that moment lay here with me
feel the ground collapse beneath us and the fall
feel my eyes turn and look into your eyes
feel my hand slip into your hand
and fall
fall for ever now into the dark with me.
I love you...

scream

once a time a long ago,
I saw you standing in the snow.
I reached to touch
you were not real
and my heart became like steal.
I wanted more to know your smell
to taste and hold you close and well
but all I find a sleepers dream,
and now I scream...
and now I scream.

Running free into the night
I kicked and clawed
I had a fight
I looked for you
But you are not there
I wanted you
it is not fare.

Once a time a long ago,
I whispered words you'll never know.
I said your eyes
they cut right through
They burn my soul
into something new
I wanted more to hear my name
said from you like were the same.
The king he bows to touch the swine
Don't need to lie,
I am not blind.

This road it goes
in just one way
I can not cross
I can not stay.
If I leave its away from you
I feel my parts will come unglued.

Once a time a long ago,
I let you touch my heart and soul
I regret it more each coming day
as my heart begins to sway.
I'd give my self and my control
Id let you take me where we'd go
But you are not real,
Your just a dream
and now I scream...
and now I scream.

the cage parts III & IV

Part III fall to the forgetting
 
I can not remember its taste now
the sweet once upon a time.
I can not breath in its smell, or recall its shape in my hands.
Its tho it never was, and so it will never be.
my lips are parched from it the shaking memory of thought. 
mouth dry and aching I need it like I have never needed anything...
some thing I can't recall.  
Some part of me thats gone for ever..  
some lost toy in the sand box...
 
And it rushes into me...  
I have so near forgotten the smell of the pooling vomit.
 
I am locked in this memory forever,
I live here  
I die here  
with you.  
Like it should have been,
I feel ill that I had placed it from my mind until now.



Part IV  forgive me....
 
I go there
the place of punctured skin and shattered love.  
I look to my hands and I know you, as Ive always known.  
screaming out as i stay still, locked in my cage.  
what I would have given to hold you...   
dieing alone in my lap...
I should have been there with you. I was there the whole time.  
glass doll eyes watering and falling off the earth
And that night you came to me as I dreamed,  
crying wrenching form lost body...
my silent plea, lipless scream, why couldn't you love me more than it...  
the last dinner served in a spoon
I was yours. I loved you. I love you... please, I'll never hear you forgive me  
lifeless eyes lost in the stars, and star scared to always remember
I'll never forgive. don't follow me.
I should have gone with you....  
you kept me here as long as I could stand
you left me alone, a scared child.  
you were stronger than me
 I have never been able to stand with out you.
 you don't need the earth, you can fly.
 It should have been me.  
you have to learn to forgive.

the cage parts I - II ( III + to come latter)

Part I the flesh that binds me

let the pin pricks of thought dig into me now
pulling up from the corners of my body pieces of me
letting loose the red ruby tears i can not cry
i am to dry, to far removed from the ocean to hold water.
dip into me with searing flesh scars
wright on me what Ive always been.
your sinner.

Part II and when you see me again

Μορφεύς, my dearest...
my king and lover,
lay upon my form tonight and make me.
force me deep into the bed
pressure against my body
hands against my wrists
your breath, my breath take me...
far away from my flesh.
tear me out from under these sheets and...
and free me to the wind the float
the soft billowing clouds of night.
make me never want to wake.
take me up with your talons...
and pray this time you don't let me fall...
fall back away to my useless body in a cold bed.

because a poem ++

when i see you
the soft colours of neverbes rest in the forefront of my mind.
and as i stand before you
i feel in half a second every price of me fall naked
all the sin and blood and malice of my soul....
it pulls over me
it swirls up into me...
and then i breath.
and then i see more clearly things as they are.

he sits there, tucked into my hair
whispering all the thoughts i should not think...
he says just once to touch him...
and i shutter away lost in those eyes.
i hold back my own hand of lust,
that i am a creature of tactile sense and pleasure.
i repress that feeling.
i bite my lip and i smile.
not everything is sex.

and worst then she whispers at night,
the sweeter nothings of my heart...
that i LOVE in war and fight and pain,
that i love so many so thanklessly
that i am so willing to give my whole heart
a slut for cupid... that i would
could one love every person.
i can not tho... i can not love,
or rather i can never admit love.

and lies become me, as a smile.
and i speak to you.
this truth even is a lie.
and you know, you've always known.
i see it in you.

ill settle to be your friend,
because.

Wound

It is the addiction of it that calls me.
It touches me some where dark and moist and forgotten.
Soaked in sweat and poured of steam...
It tempts me in this moment of pain.
Screaming from under my skin let the ake and the sorrow melt upon this spoon.
Let me feed you it pleasures on my neck...
The beautiful white dragon.
I know ill never out run, yet here I am runing broken legged.

midnight sun

i look at him like midnight,
wanting to wonder out into the dark warping my body in him
whispers slipping from my lips.
touch me...
take me...
awake the everlasting vibrant colors with in.
I look to him with pleading eyes cast down in their want.
I am to timid here in your shadow to ask
to ask you,
a night or moonlit rainbows,
to want me.
And cracking goes the floor
and sliding goes my body
deep into the earth i am encased.
Cold and numb I sleep away my needs.
And here, pushed out from her womb laying on her soil
I feel the warmth of the sun
calling me back to breath
calling me back to life...
and So I have passed through the midnight to find the morning once more.

16 word games

#1 words by sean

there he stood in stunning form
resolute in his calling
charging forth regardless of the odds
reaching deep within
screaming, raging searching for something...
finding nothing
missing everything
never seeing the complete image
a full house, and still he choses to discard.
clothed in his losings
contemplated the end,
scared that he would fight alone
worried he was to weak to be the eternal god of valor
not seeing him self as the ethereal king he is
to caught in his own illusions
to ever know the completion of my heart.

#2 words by sean

come into me beneath the layers of skin
above the sounding of midnight
beside the statues of our time....
somewhere between this moment and last
i will find you higher than i find my self
i will fall lower than i have gone
and we will live happier in this faster form
and we will be ageless in this slower hope...
left to look only in front
the back to far gone now to turn to
the left to far off the path
the right to long forgotten
now, in this love
in this tug and pull come and go feel of you
again i scream into the darkness
never wanting this to end

#3 words by sean

look upon my obsolete construction
see then, the regret in the eyes of my maker
the shame of his craft
he dreamed to sculpt me out of sure nothingness
and in winning his task, i am just that.
I am the lost and losing creation of the shadowed forgotten lands.
and I neater and either or and of no god.
I am the contemplation of a mad mans hands
fantastic at every curve
subject of longing
and caged in for an eternity unless...
smile sweet doll he says
overjoyed in his failure
and i dance underwhelmed for his praise
sad and alone in his shelter
his happy laugher my grave.

#4 words by sean

I beg you, make me involved in your winding limbs.
let the many single pricking thoughts coalesce into my heart, whole in prayer.
contentment at the spark of your words
tossing the tradition away and embracing you whole in this new path.
drowned and lifeless resuscitation brought thorough in your eyes.
a recital of tunes and notes strumming on the strings of my skin
the ambivalent wonder torn left only with the absolute.
were you to be my omnipotent Saviour
keeping me for the sake of enamorment
forgotten in a time not yet past
remembered in times long told
ordained in your church, on your steps
born new in religion
sacrifice young on you alter, laid out.
chasing le petit mort suicide on your toung.
the remembrance of a woven and sacred past and future in his hands.

#5 words by adam

deep into a well i lost my self, standing.
ive stood here as my life runs past
never knowing, never being known
never hearing, never being heard
siting dreaming of my wishes
a life time of what is
and hoping one day to win this game
ageing ageless as i fall out of sync
crazed and crazy lost in this pocket of time
laying no rest as i forget even the before
forget that i loved once.
i'll never wake now
i have no way to remember
to return to my youth
to play and interact with other
then i leap into the well unsure of the outcome.

#6 words by adam

neatly she folds into me
fair and graceful skin dances
verily the princess of this glade
explicit the mistress of this time
ravenous the hunger of her soul
she the moon godess him the elk king
the whole of reality is a bust
shooting down my hope like a pistol.

#7 words by sean

bury me my brother muslim deep into your blooded sands
sit with me my sister buddist and watch the clouds roll across the land.
run with me my fellow addict out into the sea,
and come and put your lip to mine so that we may be free.
no more disturb upon the difference,
return to a time before
before when intoxicate poppy kisses
came and brought the next score
breaking me down to obsessed and captured by my need
again i find my self running from the red dragon and his steed.
injure and need its liquid
to heal the breaking fail
never will i wake up with out you
always will i hear your wail
next time i may not out run you
the last pull on gear then fall.

#8 words by seth

I see you in the grayscale mesures of my mind
and i beg you believe in me,
in a forever of color that we could share
the hope of a lingering pin prick
the lust of your words in mine
of your eyes in mine
the ever present glare of wanting
wanting flesh to mingle
and ebb and flow
in the sound
of the incurable saturation and need.
break my isolation
of this rage and regret
the last place i have to rest
my soul in you soul combined
all i ever wanted and needed is you love yo.

the sun

you are to me
the ever crashing falls of water
pouring down on my cold skin
smoothing away the flecks of dirt
and time that have rested on me so long.

you are to me
the breaking of morning
when light and sound and earth
become alive again,
reminding me of the promise of tomorrow.

you are to me
the ink well of my dreams
laying supply to my words
and my thoughts,
allowing me a way to breath
not so heavy and clouded in unsorted lines.

you are to me
the muse of a great artist
warning me in the flame and heat
of your touch as you pull me
as you push me to make more than i can.

you are to me
the very beginning and the end
that come and play outside of time
in the forever of my love
always, in my heart.

apologies fall slient

I fumble through my days
scared and nervous of every interaction i must make.
ashamed of my truths
desperately trying to hide from the world
that no one will see me.
that those eyes will no rest on me. 
that no one will now how many things ive done wrong.
things, i cant accept in my self.
shames and regrets i cant look past in the mirror.
and so i lie.
and i steal from times when things were better,
i replay the memories of what was good on my face
so people see that good, so no one sees me.

they shouldn't know,
how weak i am.

they shouldn't know
how much i need to run away screaming inside from my self.

they should just see me smile, im fun.
im weird, but happy.

they cant know.

and in fumbling occasionally i find a person
that i feel safe with, in ways.
that i can stop stealing from my past and be in the
horrible now, in the dark and murky now
that i dont lie to.
that i dont hide from.

fumbling i fnd a real person.
a human... in a crowd of lies.

and i exist.

i spend so much time not existing,
i forget how.

i fail and fall and then,
i hide again.
ashamed at my lack of ability.
ashamed of my scars
ashamed of my shame.

when i hide behind his large frame, he cant see me as i am.
I am shadowed in is shade
he will not know me in the now.
if he did he would run not stay.
they run, because i run.
if he knew...
he would be hurt
so i remain silent.

but here you were
a person, existing not like him
a different form of safe.
safe to speak..
but my words are clumsy
and they mean more and less than they say.
i layed out trust
and smeared in in violent blunt tear drops.

and then i broke it against my self.

and then i fell

and then i begged.

and then, i fumbled in regret
unable to pull back the memories to play a smile on my face.

fffffffffffff (will sp latter maybe prob not)

look at me now,
here in this place of constant time caging.
let go all the need
sated in the pennies and dimes i collect from the wrath of demand
can i be free i beg,
2 hours left
can i be free?
i will never.
what is life if not a cage?
i am caged to not say,
to never say
how i feel under my skin
under my smile...
how i burn in desires for pleasure,
how i need to sate
in drug and wine the many pinpricks of my mind.
and my mind wonders
down long roads covered in ink and scars
tripping pulling screaming
riping asunder all i held dear in my youth
to old now to hold
to trapped
in iron unworked and cold.
i am listful.
i have numbers in place of my thoughts,
and hopeless.

where is my sun.... to warm my skin.


for