to my rubies

Part 1 : My lost lover

As I lay here,
Sitting straight,
looking far past the keystrokes and monitor glow,
I dream of your release...
I dream of your cold iron taste...
I dream of the places you will take me.
I dream of you wraping up all the darkest moments and leaking them out,
Of freedom,
I dream.

I dream of the smooth cool curve of you,
The weight and force of you upon my paper skin.
And even when I whisper..
We must stop this,
We can not keep seeing each other like this... 
Here you come to cradle me.
Here you come to hold me down.
Here you come to shatter the recovery of you.
Here,
In this dream of you my bitter bladed lover,
there is no freedom.

As I live here,
shadowed in the smell of you,
falling deep past the seat of my chair,
I dream of your release...
I dream that you are kind to me.
I dream that you are soft to me.
I dream that you do not melt into me as tho I was made of air.
I dream you are gone now,
set loose of the chains of older memories.
Remember,
This precious kiss was always poison.



Part 2 :  remember forgotten 

And then the cold pain runs into my finger tips...
And then,
I remember the price I paid.
The price I pay still and ever in ruby tears.
The Shame and disappointment this path leads. 
I remember my frailty.
I remember my sin.

I gave it to him,
I gave it away that I would never need to pay the toll again.
I gave it never wanting it back,
And he...
He kept it locked away from me.
Away from my sight. 
And I promissed, never again.
And I...
I who should not,
I who can not...
Promised a lie. 

I did not remember how cold it was outside.
I did not remeber how thin paper skin breaks in the ice,
I did not recall the kingdom of my birth.
And for that,
I fell weak and paid the toll.

I had forgotten the need,
as tho I never needed that pain.
I had forgotten to remember the shame that comes.

And there, in the confession internal tolls were paid.
I could not hold on to it,
It's a sickness didn't seem to ease my need,
or justify my actions.


Part 3 : I am not

who am I that I thought I could run forever?
legs made of steal,
body made of brass,
veins full of semiprecious stone...
skin made of paper,
hear made from ink,
lips made of regret.
who am I that I thought I had any stregth left,
that I would never fall,
that I would never fail...
that I, the weak sinner could know reform.
I do not know it,
I never have.
I have only hid here in shadow form,
waiting to leak back in and grey out the technicolor of the world.

and now,
with eyes made of frozen tears
I stand before my self
the re-reverberation of old echoes
I am not what I thought I was.
I am not strong enough to escape.
I am not fast enough to run.
I am not clever enough to outwit my daemons. 


I can not be free from this addiction.


Part 4 : controll

It is in chaos that I lay my bed.
It is the fluid truth,
the existence of only now
that I respect.
I am the god who sits on his cold chair.
I am the withdrawn watcher in lokies court. 
I am nothing if not calculated lifeless control.

and it,
like a sweet toxin on my lips proves it.
It proves my control
with its seductive lie.

How, how can I
I of all creatures so cold,
so precise to know the smell of a lie
that even smelling and seeing and hearing your lie scream,
believe it in every second of my flesh.
How is it that one inhale
one lie
one small line of you carved into my books,
my pages,
my skin...
brings all other things under my sway.
Under your sway, as mine
mine was ever yours.
and all was a lie.

A lie of control I am bound in,
feeling the truth pour from me.
Knowing always the deception. 

Part 5 : alive

I feel nothing but disapointment from him
I feel nothing but shame
I should have never given in
I should have born the flame
I should have left his eyes to see
the false and broken lie
That I would never fall again
That I would never die.

I feel like the world is spining
I feel like my time is gone
I feel like I never should have,
any of the things I've done.

I feel like the pain is leaking
it smears my eyes in fear
I feel like I dont know how long ive made it
I dont think i'll last another year.
I don't want to keep going
if my mind can never rest
I dont want to feel so empty
not a soul or heart below my breast.

I feel you withdrawing
I feel old habbits slipping in
I feel that there is no begining
and so there is no end.
This circle I keep repeating, 
I can not escape the fate.

I will ever wonder and stray from my dream
I will ever falter and fall and cry and scream.
I will ever be missing,
lacking,
void of steam.
I will ever want to be more that you have seen.
and still I will be
as I have always been
alive and still made of dead paper skin
not full of blood or air or bones
built of rubies, dreams and stones.
I am not a man, or a woman I should say
Instead I am a broken golem who cant continue this way. 


Part 6 : scars 

One day, when I am old
when my skin is brittle
and my eyes hold all of the untold,
one day, when I look back
I will remember always the things I regret.

I will regret the day I disappointed you,
I will regret the days long before you know,
I will remember in touch
the pain I repressed,
the feeling and confusion and emotional mess.

One day, when I am old
these scars will be all I have
they will keep me warm at night,
they will wrap their arms around my back.

One day I will be nothing more of paper and ink
I will be only the tearing edges that
prove my control,
and prove I am weak.


Part 7: to my rubies 


to my rubies who pay the price of my pain
to my rubies who leak from my arms, and my legs
to them who have only ever been the ones who are there for me
through out all time and all know memory
to those who willingly pay up my tolls
to they who taste of iron 
of age and of woe
to them who course roughly under paper skin
that i will never live a full life because of them.
to those things which I can not deny
your truth rings our so deep in your lie.
I am never much
I am not at all
I am ever falling for the darkest longest fall.
I will not see light, 
save the light that comes to me
for i a broken winged
dead birds have always been so beautiful to me.

to my rubies for who I owe my debts
to them which have loved me
and them which I long to forget
I will ever need you
and you will ever be me,
this is the reality of the insanity and deprived nature
you long ago set free.  

more words from howell

Her needs leak out in her midnight eyes,
a perfidious lover in sheeps clothing.
the very nature of her skin,
doth bring tears of sin to mine eyes.
that no man, no woman may outshine,
her perfectly curved demons bosom.
steeping full knowing into darkest delights,
night the azured blanket of pleasure.
stolen moments in heat,
keys unlocking places my body knew not,
leaving me screaming, please bring me there...
moonlight her softest kiss good night.
left bind and broken,
right where she wanted me.

to a boy

I want to tell you a story of my self. A story of the last few days, of today and of all time. I will tell it in fragmented words and thoughts as I sit here at work.

I want to be your friend. I hold words and titles in extreme reverence. Maybe, no certainly more than I think most people do. "friend" is not something I would call someone lightly.

After reading all your words, which hurt me, I want you to understand why when you came outside yesterday I could barely make to look at you in the flesh. I could not trace the shape of your face into my mind that I would recognise you better latter. I could not store the data of, is he tall? will he slouch? what is the gate of his movement? I could not reconcile the reality of your person before me. Because to realise your existance fully...

I did not want to feel your pain. I did not want to feel your loss. I did not want to feel your isolation in the betrayal of your heart. Love is unique, pain is unique. I have decided these things are true. My love, my pain no other person can know what it is to feel them, and so I can not truly know yours. They are not comparable emotions. That we may or may not have shared common situations in no way indicates that I am aware of what is inside you any more than you are aware of what is inside me.

I talk a good talk, and walk a good walk... I pretend I give no fucks, I pretend I am cold and do not care. and this, is my biggest lie. This is my most unreconciled truth. I care ferociously for those I chose to have around me. I have a deep seeded need, want, drive, to protect, care for, offer hospitality to those I call "tribe". Those members of my extended chosen family. To me, that is what a friend is. Someone who if they showed up on my door step I would with out hesitation or though take them into my home and feed and shelter. The world is a cold place, who else will protect us?

I hide from physical contact, even sometimes from those I am intimate with. When I am sad, when I am hurt I do not want to be hugged, I do not want to be touched, I seek being my self and only my self. Physical touching someone for comfort (giving or receiving is not a natural response for me typically) and yet, I wanted to give you a hug yesterday. Not because I longed for your flesh, or your smell, not what would be for me any normal reason to want to touch another person. But because... because I see in you something worthy. Something good. Something kind. Someone beautiful. And in all that, I wanted you to know I am willing and open to being your friend and with my friendship comes my care. Always one can not exist with out the other.

I am being wordy, and passionate, because I am wordy and passionate by my nature. I hope you do not take this the wrong way... I am not judging you I never will. I am not trying to save you, to fix you, to repair you because I do not see you as broken, I do not see you as needing saving. I do not see things that way. I accept people as they are for what ever they are. I hope for my friends that they grow, that they become better truer versions of them selves, but I do not know better than they do what that means. Instead I support all (with minor exceptions) choices people make. (those exceptions are things like smoking crack and doing heroin... because those things take away your free will and you can no longer make true decisions about life, in cases like that I will try and intervene and make choices for friends they are clearly not capable of making any longer, as in the past was done for me.)





As much as I do not understand why other people have feelings, I feel things very deeply. My emotions run deeper and more intense that I often wish they would. I am manic in all senses, extreme highs, extreme lows. As much as I might not notice someone is in pain, I can, in words feel empathy. I can in text relate to others much more than I am able to in the flesh. This... This world, this other world of no skin, no faces, no bodies... I shine in this world. I cherish this world, and you... you clearly do to (shine that is). You have good and powerful words, and I respect you all the more for that.

Why, if your even still reading this you may wonder... why is this crazy girl doing this? Why would I spend the better part of my day not looking at pictures of kittens on imgur? Why all this for someone I barely know and have really never hung out with at all... well, maybe because I am crazy. I say I will not judge you, not ever and that is true because I all ready have and I judged you worthy. Most people are boring, and not worth investing any time or emotion in but your great. And so, here I am investing time to have a relationship with you, offering you one if you want it. (no like a weird kind of relationship but a friendship)Lets go wheat paste the city with wizards. Lets have fun. I don't need you to take care of me at all, but if you ever need someone to take care of you, talk to you, bail you out of jail, set something on fire with you.. you know those sorts of things..  I got your back man. :p


I do not venture outside my comfort zone often or ever. It is not safe, there is no one to protect me there. I am alone when I go out into the world of strangers, I am alone in thick heavy crowds of people. And more than anything I fear the places my mind will take me when I am to far detached. For me to do this, for me to talk to you, for me to be true and transparent and real with you I must leave the safe all ready established world to find out who you are and incorporate you into that safe place where I know that I can trust you, that you are real, and tho this is unconformable, being vulnerable before anyone, being vulnerable before you I believe it could be worth it, your fun.

I believe firmly in some things, things I know will protect me from harming those I love, things I know which will keep me from being a bad person. I have built my self a moral code to live by. I do not, and would not ever hold anyone else to my code as they are not me.

My code:

Death before dishonor: honor is the most important virtue, the source of all glory. To turn the other cheek to a true attack of my honor or the honor of those who i am duty bound to is never an option.

Love Conquers all: True love transcends all and epitomizes what it means to be be alive. Love is not inherently romantic. Love is putting someoen else before you with no expectation of it ever being reciprocated. Love is being happy for the other person when they are happy and being open to that person and true and honest, always.

Beauty is life: beauty is a timeless, objective quality that, while it cannot be defined, is always recognized for itself. Beauty is a good part of why life is worth living. For those moment those soft beautiful moments. Seeing a friend smile, tasting something delicious, feeling the wind on my skin. These things are beautiful.

Never forget a debt: one gift deserves another. The recipient of a gift is obliged to return the favour. One injury is also treated the same. I am not Christian, I was not raised Christian. I am Jewish. And we believe in an eye for an eye traditionally.

Transparency is the closest form of truth:  Truth is hard to define because it is always inherently bias and can only be recorded in memories which again are bias. Being honest and transparent about my intentions and wants and needs is key, and the closest form of truth I can give those around me. I will do this always, I will never deceive the "tribe." With transparency comes full consent.

This is who I am. This is what I have to offer. I will help you in any way you ask for help from me. I will be your friend.


I know loss, and heartache. But also I know love, and happiness, and  wholeness and I wish that for everyone close to me. I tell you to be happy because sometimes I my self forget this. I am imperfect like all things. And again, In all things I accept your imperfection. I see my truest self, my reason for living as a quest for the holy grail which I will not be dissuaded from.I know things wholly about who I am, with vigorous faith I believe in things fully like a religious maniac. I *know* that part of my truest self smiles in the joy of others... that my joy is in theirs, that I am here that my "tribe" may take their fill of love from me because my capacity to love is limitless and unmeasurable when I chose it to be so. I am not, please note saying I love you, that would be absurd as I do not know you. I am only saying, who I am, what I am that you may know the truth of me better. That I am not hiding or deceiving you. And there are other less attractive things I know to be true of my self, and those to I do not wish to conceal from you.

I am nervous to express this, I am anxious. I feel vulnerable here in my safe place of words, but to be true to my self I must proceed.

I am cold, and cruel and sharp to the world that is not my "tribe", I do not love it, I do not accept it, I do not want it and I will not give to it.  I would chose to see 1000 other people die than to see a member of my "tribe" suffer a bruise.  I am calculating by nature and thus manipulative.  Those who are judged as unworthy are in my eyes subhuman and I pay them no mind. It is because I am capable of being this way, it is because I am this way naturally that I have a code, that I live by that code which are my commandments set out by god (that "god" is my self) and as such they are unquestionable.

I do not mean you any harm, and even if you refused my offer of friendship, which I would completely understand as I am a bit fucking nuts and often overly intense... I would not be capable of seeing you any other way than worthy, as I have seen it in you and thus it is true. I know also, that I am a good judge of a person and as such I do not in any way dough my judgement so there is no use in arguing with me about that point.

You should go to the bar with me. :)

Words from Howell

When is it going to be time?
in all the shallow places of my mind,
the colours and hues of though and bright colour fill me.
course and flow, ebb and hang on the meanings...
meanings of want and dis-want of place and misplace.
How many times will you collect what is due?
how far down can you pervert the very nature of this thing?
it is as if I was never a woman, and you were never a man.
and you whisper, my dear it becomes you.
mindless chatter proving apparent, I have never been whole in those eyes.
that the time is not coming...
that one truth from you will never be said
that the man I see hidden is so far hidden from him self that he....
he is a lie.
more of the same never changing.
fit and shoved into the shape you see in me
to be forever yours in waiting
that you will lead and I will follow
That I, like all others have only been a shadow to your mind.


Surreptitious intentions leaking out in ink lines
masked thoughts, layered in maybes ifs...
wonder if i should have crept deeper
into the last places your soul traced before i began this dance.
the temptress, the sinner, the woman not wanted.
capturing the zeitgeist of my enamoured age.
mnemonic secrets hidden, can you find them?
troughs for you of you laying
left with nothing more to bare
me unadulterated in my truth
ever the changing create, changed to be the image of glory.
torn wings still lifting flighted daydreams
but one word to yes, and crashing goes the dove
bound by my duty to not injure
by my want to nurture
by My need to indulge
seeking discourse, and leaking out ink lies.