i am 21 years of age +

he smiles at me this smorning.... I wonder what my tnl is, I don’t remember but I know I have a way to go. I am setting this goal now, 30 by next month. I want cor as my main class.... I’m talking about ffxi, I know no one who reads this probably knows what I am on about. At this point I don’t know if anyone does, but I was never writing for anyone but my self anways.

I’m going back to Albany soon, not for ever just for a week. It will be nice to see my family, they should have there pool open by then.

My body aches.... I want to die.... it hurts inside. Oh well.

I am updating ffxi and coh/cov for me and tiff.

I really just want some soup.

I really just want to go back to sleep.

I really just wish he wasn’t working.
He reminds me so much of Andy, but with a healthy and working sex drive.

I think I will lie down...

he’s the world to me, really.

so he smiled and I started falling +

It’s a strange thing, the heart. How many times have I broken it, over and over and each time I manage to come back. Each time I manage to come back from what must be the most painful experience, each time I come back ready for more. I must be a masochist, I tell my self this as I lay here typing this on nicks sidekick watching him close down his store. He smiles at me as I lay here and it melts all the fear and remembrance of my last heart break. Watching him kick the ps2 I know that I am ready for him to be my next. So unlike anything I would ever see my self with.... But just the same here I am. I willnt tell him that when I thought I might loose him today I broke down inside, I willnt tell him that I sleep better when I know he's there. I willnt tell him that his touch elevates more pain than 2, 40’s. I willnt tell him that I think about him constantly. When they know its so much easer for them to hurt you. Just watching him sing along with nofx makes me happy, I can barely tell that my belly aches and that my ankle is twisted. I know this well end with my broken heart, but there is no high like the rush of passion and emotion I currently feel.

and there she was a beauty to behold +

I sit here now in nicks car, waiting on lady zy to emerge from her place, sitting waiting to go home. Tiffany’s boyfriend lives with us now, and after tonight I wonder if she wishes things were the way they once were, before other people interfered in the moments I had a lone, she says she misses me... I miss her to. I miss… things the way we were. Brad makes me mildly sexually uncomfortable, and tiff keeps mentioning I could fuck him which doesn’t help. He says he misses me to, he doesn’t even really know me. I stayed out much latter than I had planed to tonight, tomorrow I will try not to feel like a third wheel around tiff and brad, but at some point there will be sexual tension and ill feel misplaced. I really hope I haven't hurt tiff.... Nick makes me so happy though, and I not the third wheel with him, I just want everyone to be happy. I know I am silly, that's all I have ever wanted though.