Samsara is for Buddhists who choose to dedicate them selves to truth, one unchangeable unbendable truth and find out that truth is liquid.
If home is where the heart is, I must lack a heart. If I have no heart, how could I love, how could I hate, How could I cry how could anything that I do so naturally? If home is what I seek could I not just return from where I come from? In 5 weeks exactly I have been in Albany for a year. I have all ready missed my run, as it is always at same time, clockwork. If I seek to see the math, if I seek to find the pattern in what I am naturally, If I seek to find my self should I change my patterns or simpily how I see my self in them and then change my self? I have not disappeared; the large sum of money I am spending to make my migraines go away is what has kept me here. If I seek only to sustain my self, food and shelter, then am I not freer than I have ever been dreaming of white picket fences in other people’s yards? There is a part of me that cries from under my skin for the truth of life I find when I run, when I wonder. There will always be some part of me that seeks the new, that seeks the birth, the creation of life. There will always be some part of me that wants to know the world. I believe I am a child of my times, A child. I believe that I have seen the wonders of different cultures and different peoples and different languages and religions and rights and wrongs through the digital God. How do you define your self, how do you know you are strong, how do you know anything at all. You know when you test your self. You know you are when you believe it to be true. You know it more when you forget and you have been reminded. So long I have searched for the answers to these questions, and so many others. And perhaps I will search forever, and perhaps I simply need to decide for my self that I know and stop searching, but now is not the time for that. Is there a god, am I loved, does life have meaning… Perhaps the only meaning in life, is what we as humans what we as animals give it.
What I know today to be true, what I see tomorrow could be different, Perhaps the only truth to be had is what I believe in today, Knowing that truth is liquid… knowing and accepting the random and intentional change of my truth, all truth. All the many questions of my mind and of general existence will never be answered, but what little truth I have known I have known in the moments of my run. I have known truth only through chaos, so chaos so far has been my only truth. The only thing that I know is that tomorrow things may be different. Tomorrow Is the only absolute and it is always undiscovered. I have seen the worse and the best of life, I live in a quarter million dollar house, I do not need for anything, I have seem the worst in the best of life, I have been idle in my mind, I have been accepting to the ins and outs of what I should desire, and In all truth I have no love for things that are not soaked in unpredictably. A story who’s ending can be guessed at is not one worth telling, so then it is not worth living. I do not know where I might be in 3 years, 3 months, 3 days, 3 hours, 3 minuets from now from this very moment. And, that truth is beautiful, that truth excites me. I am no longer afraid of what is unknown. I no longer think I need to know to move forward. Someone a few days ago told me an old Russian proverb that went something as follows “the only thing worse than walking down the wrong path is to keep going on it.” I choose to follow the path of today, and so I will never be on the wrong path for long. there is nothing here in this house to make it my home however. I was born in San Diego California, which is not my home I do not remember it I did not even live there a year. I have lived in Texas, Washington state, Organ, California, BC, Louisiana, West Virginia, Hawaii, New York, and probably other places which I am forgetting to list, and in all of them I have not a home. I have found a home more than I ever could have believed to be true. I have found something to love, and I have seen how it could be eternal. I have felt home in only a few moments of my life... I know, what I have not ever until yesterday and the days before it, I know that tomorrow the roots may be ripped away from me, but today I have it and tomorrow I can remember I did so it’s possible to have it again. I have felt real and alive only in moments that could break a person. I have been dead, bound by my laws bound by what I though I should be. I have been ugly because I have felt ugly, I have been Stupid because I have felt less than others, I have imposed others views on my self, and In many ways I still do, but I can see now that that dose not matter, I am as beautiful, and smart and god like as I Choose to be. Have you almost died before? Yes. I could be dead 5 minuets from now so what is worth anything more than the happiness of now? The air smells so sweet right after you almost die; you suck it into your lungs holding on to it never wanting to be parted from it, never threatened in never smelling it again. I lived in fear, I am fearless. I see no end so I have no end to fear. I see only that things might change and it might be good and it might be bad, but regardless there will always be tomorrow. Maybe not for me but, maybe that dose not matter. Have you ever been hungry? Yes, I have hungered for love, truth, acceptance, understanding and conformity. Not hungry because you were to lazy to make food, not hungry because you don’t get paid for 3 more days and all you have left is peanut butter… the kind of hungry I mean it is the hunger you feel when you have no home, Home is an illusion, and so is hunger. I now know what it means to sate my self. when you are someplace strange to you and you must rely solely upon the kindness of strangers, you must rely on chance. it is in this hunger you under stand how beautiful the world is, you understand how things are out of and entirely in your control and after food will always taste better. And in this sating my hungers is a good way to pass the time. In this I see that tomorrow my sources for happiness for debate for stimulation for food and for shelter may be moved, and I will need to find them again and I will always have them inside my self If I can learn to change things. its been a year and still every time I eat I want to cry because I know how lucky I am to have food to eat. Tears are often wasted in a time of drought, though I had enough money to provide me food and to provide me shelter, I would rather again starve than to think and dwell on what was than to look to tomorrows change. Have you known fear? Real pure fear, fear for your very existence and kept going? I know now, that I must learn to fear nothing. And that when I do I might be more complete, I might be more insane, but I will be something different and still the same, or perhaps it will change nothing. Only tomorrow or tomorrows tomorrow will know and I am not there yet. I have, and it is why I have never tried to kill my self. But not why I never will. I know, I know that there is nothing in this world that can stop me; There is, and it is only my self and my mind. I know I can survive because I always have. I know I can survive because I still am, I do not know when that will stop, but frankly I do not care. That knowledge is more of a comfort that any god, lover or friend I have ever had. Knowledge is the best God, the most sacred friend and the source of many peoples fear, and I hope one day not the source of mine. Why, why do I run, because I have no choice. I run because I can and because it excites me. I run because the constant new stimulus has brought me here. Because, I do not deny my heart, Because I will not deny my own will. because somewhere I must have a home.. Because there are 1000 undiscovered homes. Because no drug, illegal or otherwise will ever make me feel as alive as I feel when I find freedom in my wanderlust.
Because no Drug illegal or other wise can do to my brain, to my perception anything that I can not teach my self to do without it. I am free in my change, and in my quest. I am happy.
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