I dont know
how we thought we'd
make this go.
now alone were left to
feel the cold
taking its toll
afraid to let go.
give me your arms
that you could hold us like love forever
and tomorrow
and years from now
wear this memory like a winter sweater
never forget I always loved you better
your the one that didnt want forever
things couldn't quite work out
for you and for me
we were not meant to be woven into the same tapestry.
our lives and loves divirged and never did i see
you were always the one i wanted beside me.
Your eyes could cut through all I see
your hands were master to the bending forms of me
and in all that
i couldnt hold back
to far gone
and left to stand alone
i would have built a palace in this cold
but you cant see
all thats me
I don't know how we thought we'd make this work
your to beside your self with pain and hurt.
give me your arms
that you could hold us like love forever
and tomorrow
and years from now
wear this memory like a winter sweater
never forget i always loved you better
your the one that didn't want forever.
I dreamed that you would never leave me cold
I hoped that one day you would stand beside me old.
but all my fears and all my pain too
was just to much weight for you
ill take this half of what we had
give me your love even if just half...
I dont know
how we thought we'd
make this go.
now alone were left to
feel the cold
taking its toll
afraid to let go.
give me your arms
that you can hold us like love forever
and tomorrow
and years from now
wear this memory like a winter sweater
never forget I always loved you better,
your the one that didnt want forever
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Monday, December 09, 2013
forgive me, when I have sinned
Forgive me
For my sin.
For give me
For my weakness.
Heald under your strength,
I had melted...
I had sunk...
I had slipped from my mind,
Mingled in the taste and smell of you
Tight assist my wrists
I fell into your power...
How could you have been so strong,
And so vacant.
I bent and begged with my body,
And you pulled me in,
And I fell...
For a moments of forever,
Brought right before climax so many times...
It was maddening.
And I,
I went mad and forgot my self.
I sinned and took what was not fully given.
Forgive me.
Saturday, December 07, 2013
sing a song of sun
sing a song of love,
and i will resound your voice.
sing a song of hope,
and i will forever keep tight this dream.
sing a song of tomorrow,
and i will remember today...
signing a song of the sun
and I will sing
I love you.
It is not the places that we go
or the things that we do
that bring my hear closer to you
it is not the way that you touch me
or make my skin melt
is it not the smile on your face
or all the happiness we have felt,
it is the person that you are
and the person you will be
that keeps me wanting to sing a song
of our love set free.
sing a song of love,
and i will resound your voice.
sing a song of hope,
and i will sing in joy as if there was no other choice.
sing a song of tomorrow,
and through out today...
i will sing a song of the sun
i love you in every way.
it is not the way you take care of me,
or the things you to to keep me calm.
it is not the ever acceptance of my storm,
it is more than i can use words to form.
it is everything, and nothing
and all the things between
that crawl from my mind
and beg me to sing
he is my lover,
he is my sun,
he is my forever
he is the end to my run.
with him i will find rest,
i will lay my tired mind.
with him i will find best
all the things to unwind.
it is him who is my rock
and him who is my soul,
and for him i would give anything
to spend forever growing old.
sing a song of love,
and i will resound your voice.
sing a song of hope,
and i will sign back and rejoice.
sing a song of love,
and i will sing it too.
sing a song that never ends
and i will sing for you.
and i will resound your voice.
sing a song of hope,
and i will forever keep tight this dream.
sing a song of tomorrow,
and i will remember today...
signing a song of the sun
and I will sing
I love you.
It is not the places that we go
or the things that we do
that bring my hear closer to you
it is not the way that you touch me
or make my skin melt
is it not the smile on your face
or all the happiness we have felt,
it is the person that you are
and the person you will be
that keeps me wanting to sing a song
of our love set free.
sing a song of love,
and i will resound your voice.
sing a song of hope,
and i will sing in joy as if there was no other choice.
sing a song of tomorrow,
and through out today...
i will sing a song of the sun
i love you in every way.
it is not the way you take care of me,
or the things you to to keep me calm.
it is not the ever acceptance of my storm,
it is more than i can use words to form.
it is everything, and nothing
and all the things between
that crawl from my mind
and beg me to sing
he is my lover,
he is my sun,
he is my forever
he is the end to my run.
with him i will find rest,
i will lay my tired mind.
with him i will find best
all the things to unwind.
it is him who is my rock
and him who is my soul,
and for him i would give anything
to spend forever growing old.
sing a song of love,
and i will resound your voice.
sing a song of hope,
and i will sign back and rejoice.
sing a song of love,
and i will sing it too.
sing a song that never ends
and i will sing for you.
let us come here
to this place we make
a place of secret lies and violent truths.
let us know each other...
in ways unknow to knowing.
let me show you a better world to live in,
a place free of judgements
and in your hands I will sacrifice my mask
and in my hands you will know acceptance.
let us come here as tho we have always been here
taking not for granted,
but taking all the same.
And I will worship the time spent growing
and I will grow in the time we share
that you grow,
that we live
that forever is a thought away from infinite.
that all the things are the same,
that there will be no difference.
And there will be love for our fellow man in our hearts
and there will be hate for our fellow enemy in our minds
and there will be joy for our fellow extacy in our combined joy.
let us come here,
and cheat the rules
and defy the reasons
and just exist,
in simple completeness.
and for this,
for this...
I will have faith in you,
and you will have faith in me.
As we share this moment,
we will look happy for tomorrow.
to this place we make
a place of secret lies and violent truths.
let us know each other...
in ways unknow to knowing.
let me show you a better world to live in,
a place free of judgements
and in your hands I will sacrifice my mask
and in my hands you will know acceptance.
let us come here as tho we have always been here
taking not for granted,
but taking all the same.
And I will worship the time spent growing
and I will grow in the time we share
that you grow,
that we live
that forever is a thought away from infinite.
that all the things are the same,
that there will be no difference.
And there will be love for our fellow man in our hearts
and there will be hate for our fellow enemy in our minds
and there will be joy for our fellow extacy in our combined joy.
let us come here,
and cheat the rules
and defy the reasons
and just exist,
in simple completeness.
and for this,
for this...
I will have faith in you,
and you will have faith in me.
As we share this moment,
we will look happy for tomorrow.
Friday, December 06, 2013
to indulge
it is time that haunts us
living and dying,
change and crying.
it is time that is the enemy
to all things,
it will come and pass
and all will be but a faded memory.
It is now that we have.
simple existence in now.
tomorrow may never come
so then,
give to me..
to me this night.
give to me...
to me indulgence,
lay before me your human frailty,
lay before me your human need,
give to me these things
and to you,
to you...
I will give all of my self for a moment.
I will exist as only my body.
I will exist as only my mind,
I will exist only in the memory of a moment,
for just a moment
for a stolen price of time
I will,
belong in the grand scheme of things,
and you to
will belong with me.
it is time,
time that has healed no wounds.
it is time,
time that has destroyed all things.
it is time who kisses bitter upon skin
and brittle upon cold bones.
and it is I,
a goddess to pleasure,
a child to love.
a warrior to creation
who,
will lay hands to heal.
will make new
things forgotten
and things never known.
It is I who will accept you,
in all faults
in all dark places
to love in a form not love.
to show you who I am,
to share with you my skin,
that you may see my soul.
it is time who hits harsh,
and it is time who leaves scars.
let then me not be time,
let me not exist forever
but here, in a dance of words
in a plea of wanting.
let me,
show you the truth to indulgence.
the truth to my joy, and pleasure
and then,
maybe in time
you can share with me the same.
To know you,
this is the greatest desire.
living and dying,
change and crying.
it is time that is the enemy
to all things,
it will come and pass
and all will be but a faded memory.
It is now that we have.
simple existence in now.
tomorrow may never come
so then,
give to me..
to me this night.
give to me...
to me indulgence,
lay before me your human frailty,
lay before me your human need,
give to me these things
and to you,
to you...
I will give all of my self for a moment.
I will exist as only my body.
I will exist as only my mind,
I will exist only in the memory of a moment,
for just a moment
for a stolen price of time
I will,
belong in the grand scheme of things,
and you to
will belong with me.
it is time,
time that has healed no wounds.
it is time,
time that has destroyed all things.
it is time who kisses bitter upon skin
and brittle upon cold bones.
and it is I,
a goddess to pleasure,
a child to love.
a warrior to creation
who,
will lay hands to heal.
will make new
things forgotten
and things never known.
It is I who will accept you,
in all faults
in all dark places
to love in a form not love.
to show you who I am,
to share with you my skin,
that you may see my soul.
it is time who hits harsh,
and it is time who leaves scars.
let then me not be time,
let me not exist forever
but here, in a dance of words
in a plea of wanting.
let me,
show you the truth to indulgence.
the truth to my joy, and pleasure
and then,
maybe in time
you can share with me the same.
To know you,
this is the greatest desire.
The sun always rises
It is undeniable,
My sun will rise in the morning to greet me
And I,
Will rise to see him shine.
It is he who lit the world to give it color,
it is he who lit the world to give it form,
and it is he who forever and right now
who gives me wings to soar,
that no sky is limited, that I may always have more.
It was the great dawning,
when first he came into my world
which showed me I was not trapped forever,
that opened for me the door.
And it is he who forever and right now
who gives me dreams to live
and lives them with me evermore.
It is he and no other,
whos love I hold most dear.
It is he, above all others
who makes the sky clear.
It is he who ever after I wish to stay beside.
It is he and never another
who I would not fear or hide.
He is my golden sunshine,
he is my pot of gold,
he is every rainbows remembrance
he is my story yet told.
He is all I ever wanted
and all I ever dreamed
and walking hand in hand
he gives me strength to go against the stream.
My sun will rise in the morning to greet me
And I,
Will rise to see him shine.
It is he who lit the world to give it color,
it is he who lit the world to give it form,
and it is he who forever and right now
who gives me wings to soar,
that no sky is limited, that I may always have more.
It was the great dawning,
when first he came into my world
which showed me I was not trapped forever,
that opened for me the door.
And it is he who forever and right now
who gives me dreams to live
and lives them with me evermore.
It is he and no other,
whos love I hold most dear.
It is he, above all others
who makes the sky clear.
It is he who ever after I wish to stay beside.
It is he and never another
who I would not fear or hide.
He is my golden sunshine,
he is my pot of gold,
he is every rainbows remembrance
he is my story yet told.
He is all I ever wanted
and all I ever dreamed
and walking hand in hand
he gives me strength to go against the stream.
the want
come with me man of shadowed intent
come play out in the fields with me.
come take your fill in me,
that I may quench your thirst,
that you may know moments of whole bliss in me.
That you,
beautiful in all your forms may find room to breath,
existing as you are in full acceptance.
Know then my want.
Know of me,
the vivid princess who will worship in your ecstasy.
Know my feelings,
as deep as they run they are of light,
are of playful intent,
they also are of passion, and places untold.
And know,
in all things all i desire is to give,
never to take what is not given...
Come man,
built of fine shapes and smooth curves
let me wrap my mind around you,
and my arms.
Come man,
and adventure with me even if sparsely...
that for one moment in perfect synchronization we may exist.
Know then my want.
Know of me,
She who seeks nothing and offers the universe.
She, who when weak is strong and when strong is weak.
She, who exists most clearly in forms unfit for children.
She who...
Wants you in words that can not be spoken.
In ways which, could not be told.
In places, which challenge suable conduct.
Come with me my fellow traveller,
That I can show you what you seek to find in me,
not for ever,
not for everything,
just to sate this want.
come play out in the fields with me.
come take your fill in me,
that I may quench your thirst,
that you may know moments of whole bliss in me.
That you,
beautiful in all your forms may find room to breath,
existing as you are in full acceptance.
Know then my want.
Know of me,
the vivid princess who will worship in your ecstasy.
Know my feelings,
as deep as they run they are of light,
are of playful intent,
they also are of passion, and places untold.
And know,
in all things all i desire is to give,
never to take what is not given...
Come man,
built of fine shapes and smooth curves
let me wrap my mind around you,
and my arms.
Come man,
and adventure with me even if sparsely...
that for one moment in perfect synchronization we may exist.
Know then my want.
Know of me,
She who seeks nothing and offers the universe.
She, who when weak is strong and when strong is weak.
She, who exists most clearly in forms unfit for children.
She who...
Wants you in words that can not be spoken.
In ways which, could not be told.
In places, which challenge suable conduct.
Come with me my fellow traveller,
That I can show you what you seek to find in me,
not for ever,
not for everything,
just to sate this want.
Thursday, October 17, 2013
to my rubies
Part 1 : My lost lover
As I lay here,
Sitting straight,
looking far past the keystrokes and monitor glow,
I dream of your release...
I dream of your cold iron taste...
I dream of the places you will take me.
I dream of you wraping up all the darkest moments and leaking them out,
Of freedom,
I dream.
I dream of the smooth cool curve of you,
The weight and force of you upon my paper skin.
And even when I whisper..
We must stop this,
We can not keep seeing each other like this...
Here you come to cradle me.
Here you come to hold me down.
Here you come to shatter the recovery of you.
Here,
In this dream of you my bitter bladed lover,
there is no freedom.
As I live here,
shadowed in the smell of you,
falling deep past the seat of my chair,
I dream of your release...
I dream that you are kind to me.
I dream that you are soft to me.
I dream that you do not melt into me as tho I was made of air.
I dream you are gone now,
set loose of the chains of older memories.
Remember,
This precious kiss was always poison.
Part 2 : remember forgotten
And then the cold pain runs into my finger tips...
And then,
I remember the price I paid.
The price I pay still and ever in ruby tears.
The Shame and disappointment this path leads.
I remember my frailty.
I remember my sin.
I gave it to him,
I gave it away that I would never need to pay the toll again.
I gave it never wanting it back,
And he...
He kept it locked away from me.
Away from my sight.
And I promissed, never again.
And I...
I who should not,
I who can not...
Promised a lie.
I did not remember how cold it was outside.
I did not remeber how thin paper skin breaks in the ice,
I did not recall the kingdom of my birth.
And for that,
I fell weak and paid the toll.
I had forgotten the need,
as tho I never needed that pain.
I had forgotten to remember the shame that comes.
And there, in the confession internal tolls were paid.
I could not hold on to it,
It's a sickness didn't seem to ease my need,
or justify my actions.
Part 3 : I am not
who am I that I thought I could run forever?
legs made of steal,
body made of brass,
veins full of semiprecious stone...
skin made of paper,
hear made from ink,
lips made of regret.
who am I that I thought I had any stregth left,
that I would never fall,
that I would never fail...
that I, the weak sinner could know reform.
I do not know it,
I never have.
I have only hid here in shadow form,
waiting to leak back in and grey out the technicolor of the world.
and now,
with eyes made of frozen tears
I stand before my self
the re-reverberation of old echoes
I am not what I thought I was.
I am not strong enough to escape.
I am not fast enough to run.
I am not clever enough to outwit my daemons.
I can not be free from this addiction.
Part 4 : controll
It is in chaos that I lay my bed.
It is the fluid truth,
the existence of only now
that I respect.
I am the god who sits on his cold chair.
I am the withdrawn watcher in lokies court.
I am nothing if not calculated lifeless control.
and it,
like a sweet toxin on my lips proves it.
It proves my control
with its seductive lie.
How, how can I
I of all creatures so cold,
so precise to know the smell of a lie
that even smelling and seeing and hearing your lie scream,
believe it in every second of my flesh.
How is it that one inhale
one lie
one small line of you carved into my books,
my pages,
my skin...
brings all other things under my sway.
Under your sway, as mine
mine was ever yours.
and all was a lie.
A lie of control I am bound in,
feeling the truth pour from me.
Knowing always the deception.
Part 5 : alive
I feel nothing but disapointment from him
I feel nothing but shame
I should have never given in
I should have born the flame
I should have left his eyes to see
the false and broken lie
That I would never fall again
That I would never die.
I feel like the world is spining
I feel like my time is gone
I feel like I never should have,
any of the things I've done.
I feel like the pain is leaking
it smears my eyes in fear
I feel like I dont know how long ive made it
I dont think i'll last another year.
I don't want to keep going
if my mind can never rest
I dont want to feel so empty
not a soul or heart below my breast.
I feel you withdrawing
I feel old habbits slipping in
I feel that there is no begining
and so there is no end.
This circle I keep repeating,
I can not escape the fate.
I will ever wonder and stray from my dream
I will ever falter and fall and cry and scream.
I will ever be missing,
lacking,
void of steam.
I will ever want to be more that you have seen.
and still I will be
as I have always been
alive and still made of dead paper skin
not full of blood or air or bones
built of rubies, dreams and stones.
I am not a man, or a woman I should say
Instead I am a broken golem who cant continue this way.
Part 6 : scars
One day, when I am old
when my skin is brittle
and my eyes hold all of the untold,
one day, when I look back
I will remember always the things I regret.
I will regret the day I disappointed you,
I will regret the days long before you know,
I will remember in touch
the pain I repressed,
the feeling and confusion and emotional mess.
One day, when I am old
these scars will be all I have
they will keep me warm at night,
they will wrap their arms around my back.
One day I will be nothing more of paper and ink
I will be only the tearing edges that
prove my control,
and prove I am weak.
Part 7: to my rubies
to my rubies who pay the price of my pain
to my rubies who leak from my arms, and my legs
to them who have only ever been the ones who are there for me
through out all time and all know memory
to those who willingly pay up my tolls
to they who taste of iron
of age and of woe
to them who course roughly under paper skin
that i will never live a full life because of them.
to those things which I can not deny
your truth rings our so deep in your lie.
I am never much
I am not at all
I am ever falling for the darkest longest fall.
I will not see light,
save the light that comes to me
for i a broken winged
dead birds have always been so beautiful to me.
to my rubies for who I owe my debts
to them which have loved me
and them which I long to forget
I will ever need you
and you will ever be me,
this is the reality of the insanity and deprived nature
you long ago set free.
As I lay here,
Sitting straight,
looking far past the keystrokes and monitor glow,
I dream of your release...
I dream of your cold iron taste...
I dream of the places you will take me.
I dream of you wraping up all the darkest moments and leaking them out,
Of freedom,
I dream.
I dream of the smooth cool curve of you,
The weight and force of you upon my paper skin.
And even when I whisper..
We must stop this,
We can not keep seeing each other like this...
Here you come to cradle me.
Here you come to hold me down.
Here you come to shatter the recovery of you.
Here,
In this dream of you my bitter bladed lover,
there is no freedom.
As I live here,
shadowed in the smell of you,
falling deep past the seat of my chair,
I dream of your release...
I dream that you are kind to me.
I dream that you are soft to me.
I dream that you do not melt into me as tho I was made of air.
I dream you are gone now,
set loose of the chains of older memories.
Remember,
This precious kiss was always poison.
Part 2 : remember forgotten
And then the cold pain runs into my finger tips...
And then,
I remember the price I paid.
The price I pay still and ever in ruby tears.
The Shame and disappointment this path leads.
I remember my frailty.
I remember my sin.
I gave it to him,
I gave it away that I would never need to pay the toll again.
I gave it never wanting it back,
And he...
He kept it locked away from me.
Away from my sight.
And I promissed, never again.
And I...
I who should not,
I who can not...
Promised a lie.
I did not remember how cold it was outside.
I did not remeber how thin paper skin breaks in the ice,
I did not recall the kingdom of my birth.
And for that,
I fell weak and paid the toll.
I had forgotten the need,
as tho I never needed that pain.
I had forgotten to remember the shame that comes.
And there, in the confession internal tolls were paid.
I could not hold on to it,
It's a sickness didn't seem to ease my need,
or justify my actions.
Part 3 : I am not
who am I that I thought I could run forever?
legs made of steal,
body made of brass,
veins full of semiprecious stone...
skin made of paper,
hear made from ink,
lips made of regret.
who am I that I thought I had any stregth left,
that I would never fall,
that I would never fail...
that I, the weak sinner could know reform.
I do not know it,
I never have.
I have only hid here in shadow form,
waiting to leak back in and grey out the technicolor of the world.
and now,
with eyes made of frozen tears
I stand before my self
the re-reverberation of old echoes
I am not what I thought I was.
I am not strong enough to escape.
I am not fast enough to run.
I am not clever enough to outwit my daemons.
I can not be free from this addiction.
Part 4 : controll
It is in chaos that I lay my bed.
It is the fluid truth,
the existence of only now
that I respect.
I am the god who sits on his cold chair.
I am the withdrawn watcher in lokies court.
I am nothing if not calculated lifeless control.
and it,
like a sweet toxin on my lips proves it.
It proves my control
with its seductive lie.
How, how can I
I of all creatures so cold,
so precise to know the smell of a lie
that even smelling and seeing and hearing your lie scream,
believe it in every second of my flesh.
How is it that one inhale
one lie
one small line of you carved into my books,
my pages,
my skin...
brings all other things under my sway.
Under your sway, as mine
mine was ever yours.
and all was a lie.
A lie of control I am bound in,
feeling the truth pour from me.
Knowing always the deception.
Part 5 : alive
I feel nothing but disapointment from him
I feel nothing but shame
I should have never given in
I should have born the flame
I should have left his eyes to see
the false and broken lie
That I would never fall again
That I would never die.
I feel like the world is spining
I feel like my time is gone
I feel like I never should have,
any of the things I've done.
I feel like the pain is leaking
it smears my eyes in fear
I feel like I dont know how long ive made it
I dont think i'll last another year.
I don't want to keep going
if my mind can never rest
I dont want to feel so empty
not a soul or heart below my breast.
I feel you withdrawing
I feel old habbits slipping in
I feel that there is no begining
and so there is no end.
This circle I keep repeating,
I can not escape the fate.
I will ever wonder and stray from my dream
I will ever falter and fall and cry and scream.
I will ever be missing,
lacking,
void of steam.
I will ever want to be more that you have seen.
and still I will be
as I have always been
alive and still made of dead paper skin
not full of blood or air or bones
built of rubies, dreams and stones.
I am not a man, or a woman I should say
Instead I am a broken golem who cant continue this way.
Part 6 : scars
One day, when I am old
when my skin is brittle
and my eyes hold all of the untold,
one day, when I look back
I will remember always the things I regret.
I will regret the day I disappointed you,
I will regret the days long before you know,
I will remember in touch
the pain I repressed,
the feeling and confusion and emotional mess.
One day, when I am old
these scars will be all I have
they will keep me warm at night,
they will wrap their arms around my back.
One day I will be nothing more of paper and ink
I will be only the tearing edges that
prove my control,
and prove I am weak.
Part 7: to my rubies
to my rubies who pay the price of my pain
to my rubies who leak from my arms, and my legs
to them who have only ever been the ones who are there for me
through out all time and all know memory
to those who willingly pay up my tolls
to they who taste of iron
of age and of woe
to them who course roughly under paper skin
that i will never live a full life because of them.
to those things which I can not deny
your truth rings our so deep in your lie.
I am never much
I am not at all
I am ever falling for the darkest longest fall.
I will not see light,
save the light that comes to me
for i a broken winged
dead birds have always been so beautiful to me.
to my rubies for who I owe my debts
to them which have loved me
and them which I long to forget
I will ever need you
and you will ever be me,
this is the reality of the insanity and deprived nature
you long ago set free.
more words from howell
Her needs leak out in her midnight eyes,
a perfidious lover in sheeps clothing.
the very nature of her skin,
doth bring tears of sin to mine eyes.
that no man, no woman may outshine,
her perfectly curved demons bosom.
steeping full knowing into darkest delights,
night the azured blanket of pleasure.
stolen moments in heat,
keys unlocking places my body knew not,
leaving me screaming, please bring me there...
moonlight her softest kiss good night.
left bind and broken,
right where she wanted me.
a perfidious lover in sheeps clothing.
the very nature of her skin,
doth bring tears of sin to mine eyes.
that no man, no woman may outshine,
her perfectly curved demons bosom.
steeping full knowing into darkest delights,
night the azured blanket of pleasure.
stolen moments in heat,
keys unlocking places my body knew not,
leaving me screaming, please bring me there...
moonlight her softest kiss good night.
left bind and broken,
right where she wanted me.
Friday, October 11, 2013
to a boy
I want to tell you a story of my self. A story of the last few days, of today and of all time. I will tell it in fragmented words and thoughts as I sit here at work.
I want to be your friend. I hold words and titles in extreme reverence. Maybe, no certainly more than I think most people do. "friend" is not something I would call someone lightly.
After reading all your words, which hurt me, I want you to understand why when you came outside yesterday I could barely make to look at you in the flesh. I could not trace the shape of your face into my mind that I would recognise you better latter. I could not store the data of, is he tall? will he slouch? what is the gate of his movement? I could not reconcile the reality of your person before me. Because to realise your existance fully...
I did not want to feel your pain. I did not want to feel your loss. I did not want to feel your isolation in the betrayal of your heart. Love is unique, pain is unique. I have decided these things are true. My love, my pain no other person can know what it is to feel them, and so I can not truly know yours. They are not comparable emotions. That we may or may not have shared common situations in no way indicates that I am aware of what is inside you any more than you are aware of what is inside me.
I talk a good talk, and walk a good walk... I pretend I give no fucks, I pretend I am cold and do not care. and this, is my biggest lie. This is my most unreconciled truth. I care ferociously for those I chose to have around me. I have a deep seeded need, want, drive, to protect, care for, offer hospitality to those I call "tribe". Those members of my extended chosen family. To me, that is what a friend is. Someone who if they showed up on my door step I would with out hesitation or though take them into my home and feed and shelter. The world is a cold place, who else will protect us?
I hide from physical contact, even sometimes from those I am intimate with. When I am sad, when I am hurt I do not want to be hugged, I do not want to be touched, I seek being my self and only my self. Physical touching someone for comfort (giving or receiving is not a natural response for me typically) and yet, I wanted to give you a hug yesterday. Not because I longed for your flesh, or your smell, not what would be for me any normal reason to want to touch another person. But because... because I see in you something worthy. Something good. Something kind. Someone beautiful. And in all that, I wanted you to know I am willing and open to being your friend and with my friendship comes my care. Always one can not exist with out the other.
I am being wordy, and passionate, because I am wordy and passionate by my nature. I hope you do not take this the wrong way... I am not judging you I never will. I am not trying to save you, to fix you, to repair you because I do not see you as broken, I do not see you as needing saving. I do not see things that way. I accept people as they are for what ever they are. I hope for my friends that they grow, that they become better truer versions of them selves, but I do not know better than they do what that means. Instead I support all (with minor exceptions) choices people make. (those exceptions are things like smoking crack and doing heroin... because those things take away your free will and you can no longer make true decisions about life, in cases like that I will try and intervene and make choices for friends they are clearly not capable of making any longer, as in the past was done for me.)
As much as I do not understand why other people have feelings, I feel things very deeply. My emotions run deeper and more intense that I often wish they would. I am manic in all senses, extreme highs, extreme lows. As much as I might not notice someone is in pain, I can, in words feel empathy. I can in text relate to others much more than I am able to in the flesh. This... This world, this other world of no skin, no faces, no bodies... I shine in this world. I cherish this world, and you... you clearly do to (shine that is). You have good and powerful words, and I respect you all the more for that.
Why, if your even still reading this you may wonder... why is this crazy girl doing this? Why would I spend the better part of my day not looking at pictures of kittens on imgur? Why all this for someone I barely know and have really never hung out with at all... well, maybe because I am crazy. I say I will not judge you, not ever and that is true because I all ready have and I judged you worthy. Most people are boring, and not worth investing any time or emotion in but your great. And so, here I am investing time to have a relationship with you, offering you one if you want it. (no like a weird kind of relationship but a friendship)Lets go wheat paste the city with wizards. Lets have fun. I don't need you to take care of me at all, but if you ever need someone to take care of you, talk to you, bail you out of jail, set something on fire with you.. you know those sorts of things.. I got your back man. :p
I do not venture outside my comfort zone often or ever. It is not safe, there is no one to protect me there. I am alone when I go out into the world of strangers, I am alone in thick heavy crowds of people. And more than anything I fear the places my mind will take me when I am to far detached. For me to do this, for me to talk to you, for me to be true and transparent and real with you I must leave the safe all ready established world to find out who you are and incorporate you into that safe place where I know that I can trust you, that you are real, and tho this is unconformable, being vulnerable before anyone, being vulnerable before you I believe it could be worth it, your fun.
I believe firmly in some things, things I know will protect me from harming those I love, things I know which will keep me from being a bad person. I have built my self a moral code to live by. I do not, and would not ever hold anyone else to my code as they are not me.
My code:
Death before dishonor: honor is the most important virtue, the source of all glory. To turn the other cheek to a true attack of my honor or the honor of those who i am duty bound to is never an option.
Love Conquers all: True love transcends all and epitomizes what it means to be be alive. Love is not inherently romantic. Love is putting someoen else before you with no expectation of it ever being reciprocated. Love is being happy for the other person when they are happy and being open to that person and true and honest, always.
Beauty is life: beauty is a timeless, objective quality that, while it cannot be defined, is always recognized for itself. Beauty is a good part of why life is worth living. For those moment those soft beautiful moments. Seeing a friend smile, tasting something delicious, feeling the wind on my skin. These things are beautiful.
Never forget a debt: one gift deserves another. The recipient of a gift is obliged to return the favour. One injury is also treated the same. I am not Christian, I was not raised Christian. I am Jewish. And we believe in an eye for an eye traditionally.
Transparency is the closest form of truth: Truth is hard to define because it is always inherently bias and can only be recorded in memories which again are bias. Being honest and transparent about my intentions and wants and needs is key, and the closest form of truth I can give those around me. I will do this always, I will never deceive the "tribe." With transparency comes full consent.
This is who I am. This is what I have to offer. I will help you in any way you ask for help from me. I will be your friend.
I know loss, and heartache. But also I know love, and happiness, and wholeness and I wish that for everyone close to me. I tell you to be happy because sometimes I my self forget this. I am imperfect like all things. And again, In all things I accept your imperfection. I see my truest self, my reason for living as a quest for the holy grail which I will not be dissuaded from.I know things wholly about who I am, with vigorous faith I believe in things fully like a religious maniac. I *know* that part of my truest self smiles in the joy of others... that my joy is in theirs, that I am here that my "tribe" may take their fill of love from me because my capacity to love is limitless and unmeasurable when I chose it to be so. I am not, please note saying I love you, that would be absurd as I do not know you. I am only saying, who I am, what I am that you may know the truth of me better. That I am not hiding or deceiving you. And there are other less attractive things I know to be true of my self, and those to I do not wish to conceal from you.
I am nervous to express this, I am anxious. I feel vulnerable here in my safe place of words, but to be true to my self I must proceed.
I am cold, and cruel and sharp to the world that is not my "tribe", I do not love it, I do not accept it, I do not want it and I will not give to it. I would chose to see 1000 other people die than to see a member of my "tribe" suffer a bruise. I am calculating by nature and thus manipulative. Those who are judged as unworthy are in my eyes subhuman and I pay them no mind. It is because I am capable of being this way, it is because I am this way naturally that I have a code, that I live by that code which are my commandments set out by god (that "god" is my self) and as such they are unquestionable.
I do not mean you any harm, and even if you refused my offer of friendship, which I would completely understand as I am a bit fucking nuts and often overly intense... I would not be capable of seeing you any other way than worthy, as I have seen it in you and thus it is true. I know also, that I am a good judge of a person and as such I do not in any way dough my judgement so there is no use in arguing with me about that point.
You should go to the bar with me. :)
I want to be your friend. I hold words and titles in extreme reverence. Maybe, no certainly more than I think most people do. "friend" is not something I would call someone lightly.
After reading all your words, which hurt me, I want you to understand why when you came outside yesterday I could barely make to look at you in the flesh. I could not trace the shape of your face into my mind that I would recognise you better latter. I could not store the data of, is he tall? will he slouch? what is the gate of his movement? I could not reconcile the reality of your person before me. Because to realise your existance fully...
I did not want to feel your pain. I did not want to feel your loss. I did not want to feel your isolation in the betrayal of your heart. Love is unique, pain is unique. I have decided these things are true. My love, my pain no other person can know what it is to feel them, and so I can not truly know yours. They are not comparable emotions. That we may or may not have shared common situations in no way indicates that I am aware of what is inside you any more than you are aware of what is inside me.
I talk a good talk, and walk a good walk... I pretend I give no fucks, I pretend I am cold and do not care. and this, is my biggest lie. This is my most unreconciled truth. I care ferociously for those I chose to have around me. I have a deep seeded need, want, drive, to protect, care for, offer hospitality to those I call "tribe". Those members of my extended chosen family. To me, that is what a friend is. Someone who if they showed up on my door step I would with out hesitation or though take them into my home and feed and shelter. The world is a cold place, who else will protect us?
I hide from physical contact, even sometimes from those I am intimate with. When I am sad, when I am hurt I do not want to be hugged, I do not want to be touched, I seek being my self and only my self. Physical touching someone for comfort (giving or receiving is not a natural response for me typically) and yet, I wanted to give you a hug yesterday. Not because I longed for your flesh, or your smell, not what would be for me any normal reason to want to touch another person. But because... because I see in you something worthy. Something good. Something kind. Someone beautiful. And in all that, I wanted you to know I am willing and open to being your friend and with my friendship comes my care. Always one can not exist with out the other.
I am being wordy, and passionate, because I am wordy and passionate by my nature. I hope you do not take this the wrong way... I am not judging you I never will. I am not trying to save you, to fix you, to repair you because I do not see you as broken, I do not see you as needing saving. I do not see things that way. I accept people as they are for what ever they are. I hope for my friends that they grow, that they become better truer versions of them selves, but I do not know better than they do what that means. Instead I support all (with minor exceptions) choices people make. (those exceptions are things like smoking crack and doing heroin... because those things take away your free will and you can no longer make true decisions about life, in cases like that I will try and intervene and make choices for friends they are clearly not capable of making any longer, as in the past was done for me.)
As much as I do not understand why other people have feelings, I feel things very deeply. My emotions run deeper and more intense that I often wish they would. I am manic in all senses, extreme highs, extreme lows. As much as I might not notice someone is in pain, I can, in words feel empathy. I can in text relate to others much more than I am able to in the flesh. This... This world, this other world of no skin, no faces, no bodies... I shine in this world. I cherish this world, and you... you clearly do to (shine that is). You have good and powerful words, and I respect you all the more for that.
Why, if your even still reading this you may wonder... why is this crazy girl doing this? Why would I spend the better part of my day not looking at pictures of kittens on imgur? Why all this for someone I barely know and have really never hung out with at all... well, maybe because I am crazy. I say I will not judge you, not ever and that is true because I all ready have and I judged you worthy. Most people are boring, and not worth investing any time or emotion in but your great. And so, here I am investing time to have a relationship with you, offering you one if you want it. (no like a weird kind of relationship but a friendship)Lets go wheat paste the city with wizards. Lets have fun. I don't need you to take care of me at all, but if you ever need someone to take care of you, talk to you, bail you out of jail, set something on fire with you.. you know those sorts of things.. I got your back man. :p
I do not venture outside my comfort zone often or ever. It is not safe, there is no one to protect me there. I am alone when I go out into the world of strangers, I am alone in thick heavy crowds of people. And more than anything I fear the places my mind will take me when I am to far detached. For me to do this, for me to talk to you, for me to be true and transparent and real with you I must leave the safe all ready established world to find out who you are and incorporate you into that safe place where I know that I can trust you, that you are real, and tho this is unconformable, being vulnerable before anyone, being vulnerable before you I believe it could be worth it, your fun.
I believe firmly in some things, things I know will protect me from harming those I love, things I know which will keep me from being a bad person. I have built my self a moral code to live by. I do not, and would not ever hold anyone else to my code as they are not me.
My code:
Death before dishonor: honor is the most important virtue, the source of all glory. To turn the other cheek to a true attack of my honor or the honor of those who i am duty bound to is never an option.
Love Conquers all: True love transcends all and epitomizes what it means to be be alive. Love is not inherently romantic. Love is putting someoen else before you with no expectation of it ever being reciprocated. Love is being happy for the other person when they are happy and being open to that person and true and honest, always.
Beauty is life: beauty is a timeless, objective quality that, while it cannot be defined, is always recognized for itself. Beauty is a good part of why life is worth living. For those moment those soft beautiful moments. Seeing a friend smile, tasting something delicious, feeling the wind on my skin. These things are beautiful.
Never forget a debt: one gift deserves another. The recipient of a gift is obliged to return the favour. One injury is also treated the same. I am not Christian, I was not raised Christian. I am Jewish. And we believe in an eye for an eye traditionally.
Transparency is the closest form of truth: Truth is hard to define because it is always inherently bias and can only be recorded in memories which again are bias. Being honest and transparent about my intentions and wants and needs is key, and the closest form of truth I can give those around me. I will do this always, I will never deceive the "tribe." With transparency comes full consent.
This is who I am. This is what I have to offer. I will help you in any way you ask for help from me. I will be your friend.
I know loss, and heartache. But also I know love, and happiness, and wholeness and I wish that for everyone close to me. I tell you to be happy because sometimes I my self forget this. I am imperfect like all things. And again, In all things I accept your imperfection. I see my truest self, my reason for living as a quest for the holy grail which I will not be dissuaded from.I know things wholly about who I am, with vigorous faith I believe in things fully like a religious maniac. I *know* that part of my truest self smiles in the joy of others... that my joy is in theirs, that I am here that my "tribe" may take their fill of love from me because my capacity to love is limitless and unmeasurable when I chose it to be so. I am not, please note saying I love you, that would be absurd as I do not know you. I am only saying, who I am, what I am that you may know the truth of me better. That I am not hiding or deceiving you. And there are other less attractive things I know to be true of my self, and those to I do not wish to conceal from you.
I am nervous to express this, I am anxious. I feel vulnerable here in my safe place of words, but to be true to my self I must proceed.
I am cold, and cruel and sharp to the world that is not my "tribe", I do not love it, I do not accept it, I do not want it and I will not give to it. I would chose to see 1000 other people die than to see a member of my "tribe" suffer a bruise. I am calculating by nature and thus manipulative. Those who are judged as unworthy are in my eyes subhuman and I pay them no mind. It is because I am capable of being this way, it is because I am this way naturally that I have a code, that I live by that code which are my commandments set out by god (that "god" is my self) and as such they are unquestionable.
I do not mean you any harm, and even if you refused my offer of friendship, which I would completely understand as I am a bit fucking nuts and often overly intense... I would not be capable of seeing you any other way than worthy, as I have seen it in you and thus it is true. I know also, that I am a good judge of a person and as such I do not in any way dough my judgement so there is no use in arguing with me about that point.
You should go to the bar with me. :)
Thursday, October 10, 2013
Words from Howell
When is it going to be time?
in all the shallow places of my mind,
the colours and hues of though and bright colour fill me.
course and flow, ebb and hang on the meanings...
meanings of want and dis-want of place and misplace.
How many times will you collect what is due?
how far down can you pervert the very nature of this thing?
it is as if I was never a woman, and you were never a man.
and you whisper, my dear it becomes you.
mindless chatter proving apparent, I have never been whole in those eyes.
that the time is not coming...
that one truth from you will never be said
that the man I see hidden is so far hidden from him self that he....
he is a lie.
more of the same never changing.
fit and shoved into the shape you see in me
to be forever yours in waiting
that you will lead and I will follow
That I, like all others have only been a shadow to your mind.
Surreptitious intentions leaking out in ink lines
masked thoughts, layered in maybes ifs...
wonder if i should have crept deeper
into the last places your soul traced before i began this dance.
the temptress, the sinner, the woman not wanted.
capturing the zeitgeist of my enamoured age.
mnemonic secrets hidden, can you find them?
troughs for you of you laying
left with nothing more to bare
me unadulterated in my truth
ever the changing create, changed to be the image of glory.
torn wings still lifting flighted daydreams
but one word to yes, and crashing goes the dove
bound by my duty to not injure
by my want to nurture
by My need to indulge
seeking discourse, and leaking out ink lies.
in all the shallow places of my mind,
the colours and hues of though and bright colour fill me.
course and flow, ebb and hang on the meanings...
meanings of want and dis-want of place and misplace.
How many times will you collect what is due?
how far down can you pervert the very nature of this thing?
it is as if I was never a woman, and you were never a man.
and you whisper, my dear it becomes you.
mindless chatter proving apparent, I have never been whole in those eyes.
that the time is not coming...
that one truth from you will never be said
that the man I see hidden is so far hidden from him self that he....
he is a lie.
more of the same never changing.
fit and shoved into the shape you see in me
to be forever yours in waiting
that you will lead and I will follow
That I, like all others have only been a shadow to your mind.
Surreptitious intentions leaking out in ink lines
masked thoughts, layered in maybes ifs...
wonder if i should have crept deeper
into the last places your soul traced before i began this dance.
the temptress, the sinner, the woman not wanted.
capturing the zeitgeist of my enamoured age.
mnemonic secrets hidden, can you find them?
troughs for you of you laying
left with nothing more to bare
me unadulterated in my truth
ever the changing create, changed to be the image of glory.
torn wings still lifting flighted daydreams
but one word to yes, and crashing goes the dove
bound by my duty to not injure
by my want to nurture
by My need to indulge
seeking discourse, and leaking out ink lies.
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Will you
here I am,
as I was some time before.
skeletal mutterings of long flowing dreams
stretched out in the arms of you,
my bony man.
come play here in this childhood recess of my sanity.
Take your fill in my memories,
resounded no longer so violent in regret.
Build a sandcastle in safety that I long forgot.
Sandman and sympathy raging on with out me,
be then those things.
be then everything I am not,
everything I can not be.
and for you,
and in your eyes.
I will be everything.
It is those dark places I fear not tread
it is those memories that stir me when it is time for bed.
it is those lost whispers
and lost dreams
that keep me from the arms of sweeter things.
it is my shame,
and my hate
and my fear,
that make me crawl and beg and say
how could you love this,
how could you stay.
it is the foul sickness of my wants
the desire to violate, and be violated upon.
the memories of the things that I did that were wrong.
It is the hate that ive never spoken,
and the words I have no strenght to say
I had sold my mind and my body
to get through those blacker days.
And screaming out as you hold me still
my mind relaxes and I find my will.
and holding tight
to tight to move
I feel safer in touch than I ever have in you
and then you ask,
no though no ring
and I think to scream yes you crazy thing...
but still I want the whole ritual too
of you asking, and it sounding true
not steeped in madness
no steeped in pain
not as i flow from feeling to rain.
not as i dissolve all that i know
to experience numb
from our love should not go.
Is it wrong of me to want so much
to ask you to do
so many things just to make me not blue...
is it wrong to want you to take care of me
so that one day my mind and my heart can be free
is it wrong to want to know you will always be there
to love and to hold
to nurture and care.
is it wrong to want to take you with me
into the darkness and starkness and misery
that we may emerge born new and born free
that we may become what happy people seem to be.
as I was some time before.
skeletal mutterings of long flowing dreams
stretched out in the arms of you,
my bony man.
come play here in this childhood recess of my sanity.
Take your fill in my memories,
resounded no longer so violent in regret.
Build a sandcastle in safety that I long forgot.
Sandman and sympathy raging on with out me,
be then those things.
be then everything I am not,
everything I can not be.
and for you,
and in your eyes.
I will be everything.
It is those dark places I fear not tread
it is those memories that stir me when it is time for bed.
it is those lost whispers
and lost dreams
that keep me from the arms of sweeter things.
it is my shame,
and my hate
and my fear,
that make me crawl and beg and say
how could you love this,
how could you stay.
it is the foul sickness of my wants
the desire to violate, and be violated upon.
the memories of the things that I did that were wrong.
It is the hate that ive never spoken,
and the words I have no strenght to say
I had sold my mind and my body
to get through those blacker days.
And screaming out as you hold me still
my mind relaxes and I find my will.
and holding tight
to tight to move
I feel safer in touch than I ever have in you
and then you ask,
no though no ring
and I think to scream yes you crazy thing...
but still I want the whole ritual too
of you asking, and it sounding true
not steeped in madness
no steeped in pain
not as i flow from feeling to rain.
not as i dissolve all that i know
to experience numb
from our love should not go.
Is it wrong of me to want so much
to ask you to do
so many things just to make me not blue...
is it wrong to want you to take care of me
so that one day my mind and my heart can be free
is it wrong to want to know you will always be there
to love and to hold
to nurture and care.
is it wrong to want to take you with me
into the darkness and starkness and misery
that we may emerge born new and born free
that we may become what happy people seem to be.
Thursday, August 22, 2013
nothing left
how long can I run,
for running to roam.
how long can i remain,
quite in my head alone.
how long can I smile,
while cracking gives way.
how long can I want,
when wanting to stay...
how far can I run,
to feel wind on my face.
how far can I remain,
still not quite fallen from grace.
how far can I smile,
with glass cuts on my face.
how far can I want,
to be free of this place.
how near can I run,
to be better with you.
how near can I remain,
fingers on paper like glue.
how near can i smile,
like other quick silver falls.
how near can I want
To lose faith in it all.
And in twilight and roses we dance and we play
In summers snowfall my tears melt away,
In song and in laughter I rest my tired head
and warm in the winter I crawl into your bed.
And In tea leaves and rubies I have paid for this day,
the day that I run,
the day I remain,
the day I can smile, not afarid of the shame.
The day that I wanted nothing more than to be true,
with tea leaves and rubies I paid for you.
for running to roam.
how long can i remain,
quite in my head alone.
how long can I smile,
while cracking gives way.
how long can I want,
when wanting to stay...
how far can I run,
to feel wind on my face.
how far can I remain,
still not quite fallen from grace.
how far can I smile,
with glass cuts on my face.
how far can I want,
to be free of this place.
how near can I run,
to be better with you.
how near can I remain,
fingers on paper like glue.
how near can i smile,
like other quick silver falls.
how near can I want
To lose faith in it all.
And in twilight and roses we dance and we play
In summers snowfall my tears melt away,
In song and in laughter I rest my tired head
and warm in the winter I crawl into your bed.
And In tea leaves and rubies I have paid for this day,
the day that I run,
the day I remain,
the day I can smile, not afarid of the shame.
The day that I wanted nothing more than to be true,
with tea leaves and rubies I paid for you.
Thursday, August 08, 2013
It is you
It is the warm embrace of you,
pulling close against my body
sinking into the second of breath that passes between.
It is the soft wanting,
the secret wispier said plainly,
You are beautiful...
I long to touch and rejoice in that beauty.
I want to trace the tight lines of your body,
I want to watch it bend and break and rebuild and reconstruct
in seconds of fleeting chemical reactions.
I want to find joy in you,
I want to inspire joy in you,
in your delicate hands
in your soft smile
in your eyes which set fire to my senses.
But still, you do not look to me.
you do not hear my words
saying,
see me...
Strong, and fragile,
Worn and new,
Overlooked, and unforgettable.
I scream in silent tension
Look to me, and in me find
A lover, and a friend.
A sister, and a confidant.
A master, and a servant.
Take your fill of the stars tonight,
that all ecstasy is yours.
That all ecstasy ever owed to you,
so would I deliver it,
if you could look to me.
It is your quiet perfection and perfect flaws,
your whole humanity and welcome grins
which draw me to dreams of your skin.
dreams so tangled in
if onlys,
if maybes,
if just once...
dreams so knotted, and bound that the only release
has been the further repression of them.
So great was the fear of your flesh under my fingers
So great was the worry,
would I dehumanize you?
Would I hurt you?
To leave unwanted bruises on someone so beautiful,
the thought of it brings tears.
And yet, here in the darkness of night,
here in the quiet clitterclack of keys,
I dream again.
I dream of fingers running rails down spines.
I dream of hands clasped upon wrists,
I dream of lips tracing the curve of your hips.
I dream of the ebb and flow of the ocean of you,
I dream of you begging me to come for a swim.
It is the warm embrace of you,
that rattles me.
It is the reality and truth of you that leans me fearful to speak.
It is the demand of want in me
that breaks this fear.
It is the urge and passion I hide under my awkward appearance
that writes now...
Come with me, and let me hold you.
Come to me, and let me protect you.
Come with me, and through you I will have joy,
and In me you will have safety.
It is you, that I am craving. all of you, in perfect cracks, in flawless flaws, in total acceptance and love... it is you.
pulling close against my body
sinking into the second of breath that passes between.
It is the soft wanting,
the secret wispier said plainly,
You are beautiful...
I long to touch and rejoice in that beauty.
I want to trace the tight lines of your body,
I want to watch it bend and break and rebuild and reconstruct
in seconds of fleeting chemical reactions.
I want to find joy in you,
I want to inspire joy in you,
in your delicate hands
in your soft smile
in your eyes which set fire to my senses.
But still, you do not look to me.
you do not hear my words
saying,
see me...
Strong, and fragile,
Worn and new,
Overlooked, and unforgettable.
I scream in silent tension
Look to me, and in me find
A lover, and a friend.
A sister, and a confidant.
A master, and a servant.
Take your fill of the stars tonight,
that all ecstasy is yours.
That all ecstasy ever owed to you,
so would I deliver it,
if you could look to me.
It is your quiet perfection and perfect flaws,
your whole humanity and welcome grins
which draw me to dreams of your skin.
dreams so tangled in
if onlys,
if maybes,
if just once...
dreams so knotted, and bound that the only release
has been the further repression of them.
So great was the fear of your flesh under my fingers
So great was the worry,
would I dehumanize you?
Would I hurt you?
To leave unwanted bruises on someone so beautiful,
the thought of it brings tears.
And yet, here in the darkness of night,
here in the quiet clitterclack of keys,
I dream again.
I dream of fingers running rails down spines.
I dream of hands clasped upon wrists,
I dream of lips tracing the curve of your hips.
I dream of the ebb and flow of the ocean of you,
I dream of you begging me to come for a swim.
It is the warm embrace of you,
that rattles me.
It is the reality and truth of you that leans me fearful to speak.
It is the demand of want in me
that breaks this fear.
It is the urge and passion I hide under my awkward appearance
that writes now...
Come with me, and let me hold you.
Come to me, and let me protect you.
Come with me, and through you I will have joy,
and In me you will have safety.
It is you, that I am craving. all of you, in perfect cracks, in flawless flaws, in total acceptance and love... it is you.
Saturday, May 25, 2013
to my stars, for they are always with me
Flow over me,
my 11th star.
to remember the soft pillow of your touch
to remeber the heated smell of you after battle
to fall out in the ice of dream,
into blank nothingess with you.
You, my most beautiful of memories,
you, who heald my hands as they first molded the earth,
you who,
in all things kept me safe.
Wisper for me
my 14th star.
Thin delicate lines of you
glass and bone and twine of you
of love, and hate, and regret of you..
wisper soft nothings.
I will dall out into the darkness,
out deep from my body
and in my eyes all stars were born that night,
that 14th night
where you in my lap stoped being.
stoped beating,
where you stoped
wispering I was your only regret.
the day I became the 21st star,
was the day you took your last breath.
Rip into me,
my 19th star.
My master, my teacher, my better than me
falling like our brother to the red china tree.
and in your rage, my hands found meaning.
Shreading, sundering, destroying to create
you were the begining and the end,
you were all that was evil and all that way good
you were my mesure of meaning
and I was nothing with out you.
fallen sullen aginst your cold flesh.
dance upon me,
my 20th star.
That a day and a year before
you kicked and cried,
you fought and won
you killed and raged to pay my cost of blood.
You sheltered me when no man would
You were my knight, and I was your dame
and life with out you has never been the same.
I am a shadow standing now by your grave.
for ever, that I could have made it faster
forever, that I would have changed the outcome of that day.
And the sun wept in blood for you that morning,
and the smell was never the same.
And forever scared am I as the 25th star left the sky
and into my skin they grew,
that I stood alone with out them
That no wisper, no dance, could bring them back to me
That the ripping and flowing of my skin would not set me free,
that I who longed to see the nothing again
Had to stand still breathing
to remember my friends.
And you by your hand, said good night to the end.
let the gods sit beside you,
let the mead always flow
let you find happiness in my woe...
i hope now you sit, where you always dreamed you would...
in a place Where the Brave may live Forever.
my 11th star.
to remember the soft pillow of your touch
to remeber the heated smell of you after battle
to fall out in the ice of dream,
into blank nothingess with you.
You, my most beautiful of memories,
you, who heald my hands as they first molded the earth,
you who,
in all things kept me safe.
Wisper for me
my 14th star.
Thin delicate lines of you
glass and bone and twine of you
of love, and hate, and regret of you..
wisper soft nothings.
I will dall out into the darkness,
out deep from my body
and in my eyes all stars were born that night,
that 14th night
where you in my lap stoped being.
stoped beating,
where you stoped
wispering I was your only regret.
the day I became the 21st star,
was the day you took your last breath.
Rip into me,
my 19th star.
My master, my teacher, my better than me
falling like our brother to the red china tree.
and in your rage, my hands found meaning.
Shreading, sundering, destroying to create
you were the begining and the end,
you were all that was evil and all that way good
you were my mesure of meaning
and I was nothing with out you.
fallen sullen aginst your cold flesh.
dance upon me,
my 20th star.
That a day and a year before
you kicked and cried,
you fought and won
you killed and raged to pay my cost of blood.
You sheltered me when no man would
You were my knight, and I was your dame
and life with out you has never been the same.
I am a shadow standing now by your grave.
for ever, that I could have made it faster
forever, that I would have changed the outcome of that day.
And the sun wept in blood for you that morning,
and the smell was never the same.
And forever scared am I as the 25th star left the sky
and into my skin they grew,
that I stood alone with out them
That no wisper, no dance, could bring them back to me
That the ripping and flowing of my skin would not set me free,
that I who longed to see the nothing again
Had to stand still breathing
to remember my friends.
And you by your hand, said good night to the end.
let the gods sit beside you,
let the mead always flow
let you find happiness in my woe...
i hope now you sit, where you always dreamed you would...
in a place Where the Brave may live Forever.
Sunday, February 03, 2013
what am i
from within me now
the dwelling feeling of repulsion wells up.
how much of a lier can i be before i lose my self to the lie
i cry
and i wonder.
how strong can i be to fight away the feelings of shatter.
how must i mend my self when the cracks are external, internal and bleeding.
i am,
i am as always the shadow of my own mind.
the crawling self hate of a child.
i am the darkness that haunts me,
i am the things i can not let go of.
i am my own misery.
i am my own isolation.
this punishment is one i inflict on my self
and with no freedom
and with no light
i fall blind in the darkness of my self
i fall forever in the endless night
i wake and sleep no more
i live here in this limbo of worlds.
How can i want for this darkness.
how can I want for this dismemberment?
from with in me it calls out
see me as beautiful, as worthy, as strong I beg you.
see me as joyful, as young, as cherished I beg you.
let me find solace then in this night
let me find rest then in my restlessness
let me find joy in my tears
that they can grow into something beautiful
that one day the sun will come again to shine on me
that one day i will not be in shadow.
that the lie of my self becomes the truth,
that the truth of my sin becomes a lie.
that all will set right
let then,
let the pain ease out of me.
that i can be free of all mortal bonds and exist
Saturday, January 05, 2013
do not say his name...
that you play the jester
dancing in word games delicately strung
hiding your form behind you.
that you duck and dodge reality
that tho it comes, you let it delay.
that you were everything anyone ever saw when they looked upon you
hidden and tucked away was truth.
that your cool coated outsides hid,
a pain which I could not take from you.
a pain that it was not my place to replace in joy.
that you lay there wounded
and no choice was given to me but to pass by...
that if only I knew the simple words to mend you.
That I could say,
be happy child of man, that life is to short
that time is not long
that nothing else matters,
be overjoyed that,
you exist, you are unique, you are wanted, you are beautiful.
as we all are, as only you are, as I see you to be.
that you play the jester,
I wonder if you learned this to keep your self safe.
dancing in word games delicately strung
hiding your form behind you.
that you duck and dodge reality
that tho it comes, you let it delay.
that you were everything anyone ever saw when they looked upon you
hidden and tucked away was truth.
that your cool coated outsides hid,
a pain which I could not take from you.
a pain that it was not my place to replace in joy.
that you lay there wounded
and no choice was given to me but to pass by...
that if only I knew the simple words to mend you.
That I could say,
be happy child of man, that life is to short
that time is not long
that nothing else matters,
be overjoyed that,
you exist, you are unique, you are wanted, you are beautiful.
as we all are, as only you are, as I see you to be.
that you play the jester,
I wonder if you learned this to keep your self safe.
Friday, January 04, 2013
if I had a time machine.
I would like to have touched you once
Once before things for you were so set in stone.
I would have liked to known you once
Once before you were meant for someone else to know.
I would have liked to know you intimately,
Outside of these words and games.
But regrettably you were not meant for me,
I dare not even speak your name.
I would have liked to know the pieces of you,
The smell, the taste the sound.
I would have liked to pull you in aginst my body,
taking from you all shame.
I would have liked to make you want for me,
Because I want for you so to feel the same.
But regrettably you are not free as me,
and I can not pull you near,
I would never want to break what has lasted through the years.
I will settle happily for a friend to call my own.
I will settle quietly that the world will never know.
I will settle smirking thinking of all the dark places my mind might go,
That if I had a time machine you would surely know.
I would elate in your pleasure,
I would rejoice in your sound.
I would take you up to worship
and we could go crashing to the ground.
I would be a lover to you like no other lover has ever been,
when nothing is taboo oh how the rules can bend.
I would have liked to have been touched by you once,
Once before your hands were bound.
I would have liked to let you know me,
My arcing back the beating sound...
I would have giving my self to you with little thought as to of why
because you are beautiful and charismatic,
and one swell guy.
I would have opened my heart my body and my soul,
let you play in them and forget that were old.
I would have so many things that I have so little words to say...
But I will happily settle to know you in platonic friendship,
holding back all my want.
And how much want I have for you
I find it hard to not to say,
gosh your attractive I wish there was a way.
If I had a time machine, things would be different.
Once before things for you were so set in stone.
I would have liked to known you once
Once before you were meant for someone else to know.
I would have liked to know you intimately,
Outside of these words and games.
But regrettably you were not meant for me,
I dare not even speak your name.
I would have liked to know the pieces of you,
The smell, the taste the sound.
I would have liked to pull you in aginst my body,
taking from you all shame.
I would have liked to make you want for me,
Because I want for you so to feel the same.
But regrettably you are not free as me,
and I can not pull you near,
I would never want to break what has lasted through the years.
I will settle happily for a friend to call my own.
I will settle quietly that the world will never know.
I will settle smirking thinking of all the dark places my mind might go,
That if I had a time machine you would surely know.
I would elate in your pleasure,
I would rejoice in your sound.
I would take you up to worship
and we could go crashing to the ground.
I would be a lover to you like no other lover has ever been,
when nothing is taboo oh how the rules can bend.
I would have liked to have been touched by you once,
Once before your hands were bound.
I would have liked to let you know me,
My arcing back the beating sound...
I would have giving my self to you with little thought as to of why
because you are beautiful and charismatic,
and one swell guy.
I would have opened my heart my body and my soul,
let you play in them and forget that were old.
I would have so many things that I have so little words to say...
But I will happily settle to know you in platonic friendship,
holding back all my want.
And how much want I have for you
I find it hard to not to say,
gosh your attractive I wish there was a way.
If I had a time machine, things would be different.
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