to die in his arms

There is a place i do not go
to fearful of the things i may find
there is a place i can not say
and for it i require time.
to off set from reality
to far gone from the norm
i find my self lacking solid ground
i find my self lost in this raging storm.
and in his arms i can find shelter
from the thousand words and rage
in his eyes i can find safty
for i see he knows the way
in his touch i can find exasty
as tho release had never been had
and in all these things im finding
i find the place i fear to go is not so bad.
i fear the release and let go of
i fear the death of memories
i fear the present and the tingling
sensation that it brings
i fear so much i fear that i will never be free
but in his arms i find the death
that lets me be me.

the melt

its in your hands i shake lover
melting between your words
finding place within your eyes
falling and flying in your commands
it is your breath i want to feel on my neck
and your love i carry in my pen
and you...
you are so beautiful.
and i...
i will love you always.
It is a love of unchained need I have in you.
It is a love of undemanding gift i have in you.
and in you, i am what ive never been.
my eyes wander,
and my thoughts trail
when did this become?
when did my hands crave your skin
and my skin burn for your touch?
when did i turn over the key to my fortress to you
when did i let you in
why did i accept you so completely ..
why did i give you all the power?
it felt right my love,
that you would take the lead.
and now, pulled in
pulled out
in you, i find a new release.
in you, i find a new hope
and for that, for this for everything that has happened,
i thank you in words i cant speak.
thank you for every way you have changed my world
thank you for wanting to make it better.
thank you...
my love.

its the melt of my self crawling up from my legs
its waves and crash and flow of you.
the presure of you aginst me
the greedy hands pulling and consuming
its everything that breaks
and bends
and thrusts into me
its the need...
and it was born in quiet words
it was born in honesty
decided honesty...
it was born in wanting to know you
and wanting to be seen
outside of sex,
not consumed in it...
and now longing for it.
it was..
and you are
a dream.

and all the things ive ever been,
ive never been someones submissive.

The Rapture parts I - V

Part I The Mind.So play hidden in me,
the softest secret even to my self.
that I am waiting to bend free of me
that I am waiting to forget my self
that I will not have to be lost in here forever.
So dance the softest foot
across the dew drops of thought
that I, whole in mind can be sated.
that I, raging and smashing aginst the shore can calm.
that I, can breath and exist for nothing more than that moment.

And locked, away in shame
a rouge comes here now.
nimble fingers and sing song words
rattle me out of my cage.
will you consume me?
will you dominate my ticking tock to your time?
Will you forge me Shadow man into a creature of light?
Will I glisten and shine in clarity and wholeness?
Will I become better and clean?
And locked, away in fear
a poet come to play ink to my skin
destroying the chains of thought
shattering the prison of my mind.

Part II The Pack-Rat
A chill runs in me.
A violent and cold chill comes up from under my body.
The rigid need for complete control of self isolates me.
The refusal to let go,
the inability to release.
Holding in my hands ever thought and memory of self
Packrating the ugly and the bad,
tarnishing the beauty of the world.
My hands are to full to keep moving,
To full to hold anything else...
and in sudden sharp pain
I feel it.
The sharp harmonic sound the cloth
wiping from my face so much soot.
And in rapid hunger I sink into it.
Tooth and nail I fall in.
Where will all these treasure go if I leave here?
Who will care for my dead?
Who will keep the veils of sanity tight?
Who will protect me from the world
if not my self..
if not my memories.
if not all these things I keep afraid to let fall into the night.

Part III And forgotten
Upon flesh and skin
I feel the forgetting of my pain.
And I let go
All the things I feared.
Within your hands I cry for the hurt of it
the hurt of reforging.
the hurt that its been so wrong for so long.
and,
I let
go.
Forgotten are the times I could not
and living vivid now
lifefull and playsome
are his eyes in me.
and my faith in him.
The sheild to protect me
that I may wonder free into the battle feild of my youth
and come out the other side grown.
growing.
That no chains can hold me.
That my hands are open to the sun, the stars and the moon.
That I escaped the bath of blood
that  I forgot where the blood came from
that i can
let go.
and be forgotten of my dough.

Part IV Weight of you
crawl upon me my lover.
is that what you are?
wispier me to sleep
wispier me to orgasm
wispier me to the image of what i could be.
and in you,
i will be.
play me like im made of strings
strum into me the perfect sound
that i can hear it
that i can know it
that i can be as beautiful as i became in your eyes.
the earthshaking weight of you
of your beauty
of the power you play over me
of my complete submission
warped up in words and sensation ..
I am yours tonight.
I am subject to your whims.
I am broken and loved.
I am whole and seen...
and I cant escape this
because its all I ever wanted in you.
because, you are the strength i seek in my self
because the weight of your voice
is to heavy to out run.

Part V Even now
Even now, 
sated from my hunger
I dream of that night
of my body fluid under your command.
Even now,
accepting of your affection
I wonder what ive done to earn your sight
I wonder why me?
how did I become so lucky.
Even now,
in the after glow of passion
I am timid to ask you...
I am timid to admit.
I want to give every price of my self to you
I want to live and die in your hands.
I want  
I want you to break me of my self
I want you to rapture me.
I want to be reforged with your strength.
But I cant.  
I cant ask you.
Not yet.
This story is not yet finished,
and I can not force it.
I can only wait.

Even now,
I lay waiting
Trusting that you know better.
Trusting that you will not harm me.
Trusting you to see me different.
That one day, even I can see my self this way.


 

a drop of dew

Lay me out on the midnight moon,
naked here in this field of grass.
the leaves and wind pinpricking my skin
I feel the cold shudder come over me.
It pulls at my hair and spins me around
the earth sprouting up thorny vines
it cuts and bends and shapes me...
the cool earth...
raging like fire against me in this endless cold.
its eyes cut into me
they tear me from my flesh
they free me from my mind
and i exist then in that moment as the wind
floating outside my self
watching the raging fuck and fight of flesh upon him below
his hands consume me
his body breaks me
and in all of it
there is nothing but elation.
Nothing but climax...
nothing but the look of control
nothing but my relenting to what is
to what i want
to what he would give
drunk on his smell
high on the feeling of him clawing me... digging into me... 
making me yelp and whimper and cave
forcing me beyond where i can walk alone
pulling me into the soil into the dirt into the rocks
and i love his eyes on me.
and i love his breath on me
and i love him.
and i lust for him... all the parts of him.
perfect for ever in my flawed memory.

laying naked in this cold..
waiting.

cold wind

There she sat
Queen of ice,
frozen in her ever sold memory.
She watched them play and age
and she, ageless and motionless could do none the same.
Where was the childhood she was never granted
Born full and whole.
Carved skin from snowflakes.
Where was the past she was denied,
The family to love her...
So cold,
To cold to even cry
To cry for what she new knew,
What she watched
High from her throne.

She watched the world ugly,
and timeless
and withdrawn, one thousand lives flashing before her
and fading out all at the same time..
and her eyes rested and stopped on just one. 
A frail child, to thin to small,
A child playing in the sun
warm brown skin

She saw the innocence of joy
and more than ever in that moment she longed for it.

Were it as tho time had slowed
Things had stopped she watched the child age...
And tears formed at her eyes as she watched the child Fall.
The girl fell to addiction and lust and fuck and self destruction.
She watched as the girl got lost in grief.
she watched as one by one those the girl loved died,
she was there the night all innocence was dead to the girl...
She was there the next day watching the girl
watching as she placed the needle in her arm...
and she stood by in the silence of winter as
the girl slowly whored and destroyed her body and mind until she was so cold...

The queens hand out stretched to touch her own youth.

ruined eyes

I have released the fear of your eyes on my words
I have let go the fear even of them on my brush strokes.
Linger only the fear of your eyes on my skin.
seeing me as scared as I am.
Knowing the imperfections of my tone
seeing the nicks and tears and snags,
the stretched and the twisted of my flesh.
I fear laying before you naked.
exposed.
Vulnerable.
delicate and ruined.
I fear that you judgment will fall hardest
on me
that I will be left crying and broken
cold on the floor alone as your reject this.
I fear you will never see me in love as I am,
if you never see me this way.
and I do my very best to hide it.
To hide.
Will you think im attractive if were alone? 

dream to wake

when I dream
I dream of your hands
crawling up into my skin
I dream of a touch forbidden and accepted.
to feel the echo of you inside me
tearing me into pieces in the vibration.
I dream of the destruction of my self in you.
And I dream of the birth that comes then after.
That first gasping for air after the last breath of a former life
The rocking of my body
trembling in your hold.

When I dream
I dream of your eyes
melting into my flesh and finding me in judgment
the Magister of my body in that moment
to feel the acceptance of you
to feel the pull of you drawing me near and commanding me to my knees.
This is a first life,
A world born in this moment.
Passion burning so great and so deep that I may crack and leak tears for its beauty.
The beauty of this man before me,
leaving me breathless.

When I dream
I dream of your smell
A thing I never so close that I could know it before this moment.
I dream of it filling my lungs
heightening the chemical compulsion to have you inside me.
to pull you on to me
to gasp for air as you force your way in
to arc my back and kick up against you
for my eyes to roll and your firm hand to hold me in place
to take hold at my neck,
to turn me over and tangle your hands in my hair.
To make me collapse in the weight of pleasure. 
To make me cry in the dance of pain
To blend them in my skin as tho I have never felt anything else before that moment.


But when I wake,
I find nothing is as it would be when I slumber
Only the memories of sleep to run by
and the wetness between.

nearness

it is the ups and downs
the high and the low
humming
vibration of these thoughts
that drive me to be what we never were.
and you said once,
with eyes that looked right through and past me
that I was the destructive cycle you feared.
and I, see in you the break of destruction that I fear.
it is the lowest moments with you
that I spend
doubting my self. 
and its the highest moments with you that i spend elated.
My face shattered from smiles.
and Its in trust that I can tell you my fear,
and slow I cast it out.
Its the nearness to you I crave.
To take in the sight and sound and smell of you.
To watch the quiet play of thoughts
ziping
streaming and scouring past your eyes
on your face and in your hands.
It is the nearness to your greatness that I want.
In any form
In every form
that I can get
I will take from you.
But, only in what you can give.
Only in where you say.
Only by your prescription of thought.
the ups and down
leveling out...
and I withdraw again from you.
For a moment alone.

fuck you - a new poem

please look at me as I tremble in unrest,
that so familiar smile grinning across my chin like helpless child waiting for you to take my hand.
Its a rare form of love and pleasure i feel welling in the safety of my heart.
as you look up at me and i lean over and smile at you.
I will not say the 1000 thoughts that coarse my mind in that moment.
Why?
why are your eyes so beautiful and sad and angry... and happy?
why do I insist to trace your form with my eyes?
why do I feel so on fire when I look at you...
You...
Small god.
I see in you my better... and a form of inspiration.
I pull away from you as little as I can now because i am not afraid.
so that you can see me and make me shine.
Your touch
this thing that exist only in a cloud of never ever to me
I couldn't let you hug me
I couldn't let you, not you
please touch me...
god... please embrace me..
I tremble...
and it plays in my head like some filthy snuff film
my heart if i showed you it
i plays and screams and ...
and i....
i feel pulled to come here
to feel you come behind me
smile deep in my flesh.
this teasing pass of interaction
this dark meaningful play i light in my words
for the 1000 things id never say to hurt you
your beautiful eyes...
ill never say
fuck you for asking me for truth
fuck you being so beautiful.
fuck you for seeing me as something worth looking at,
worth seeing and being seen by.
I'll never say that
and I'll also never say thank you for inspiring me. 
now even the sun tastes brighter.

father

it is the echo of your fist coming at me
and my shaking form hiding from the light.
I can not escape this cage
rattled and barren i have always existed here.
In the moments of that warm needle
searing into my body a forever need
a forever run
that I knew the only release of you.
that your voice was quiet.

I have cut out pieces of my flesh
desperately trying to sever the bond of my sire.
Claiming to have forgotten and forgiven
but now as this drug drips down my thought and into my belly
I know you are the beast of my dreams
The creature coming to destroy me
The thing I must forgive
tho I never learn to.

You taught me everything unique and precious
was wrong and sinful.
You showed me the love your father showed you.
And your rage,
I fear the same rage lives in me.
I fear I will die crippled with the damn disease that cripples you.
The self annihilation of hate.

I will be free of this