That I should come

That I should come to worship here,
Beneath the surface snow.
Cold like ice to fingers mend
The darkness in thoughts grow.
I would lay down my flesh,
My body to its gain...
That it could rise again a savior to the insane.
I would know the hidden path that before me is a miss. ..
I would sacrifice a lot to steal even a kiss.
But these cold thoughts of bent forms
And raw and carnal greeds,
Send me to my siners bed with quite Un-met needs.

You can never look at me and see me as I am.
I am just a toy to you to,
A thing to entertain...
Curiosity and boredom sate the only coming rain.
But for me the winters chilling touch,
The dream of ice and mead,
To drink of him is to end the endless darkness seeds.
I would kneel and pray
For release in greater gain.
That he could guard my self
That I could bare the storm.
that I should come to worship here...
In silent misgivings deeds,
That smiles and laughter shield
The only burning needs.
I would have your body too,
I say to winters knight,
Bring me back unseelie in all its terrors fright.
Bring me back to colder days
With snow and angels play...
And in the mixed feelings and words,
Never is the only way. 

to faith, please grow.

here i sit in wonder

in my ever lasting years

will things be different...

will you grow in fear?

i want nothing more than you to be better than me,

that you can be whole,

that you can be free.

here i sit in wonder,

wondering when i lost my faith

when i left the things which securely made me safe...

here i wonder when

it will be for you...

that you question and reject the dreams of your youth.

when no more do you keep close

the toys which guard the night,

when no more do you dream of unicorns and bird like flight...

or will you like me, believe for some time

that magic is real

that dreams are divine?

I pray for the first time in a time long forgot

that you will be happy

that depression never fought

that you will be whole and complete and love through 

that wanting and needing be satisfied too.

here i sit in wonder,

and fear....

that you'll not know the day when you

can sit in wonder for your child the same way. 

dear internet

How do I find my self remembering now,
the soft kiss you gave me before I fell to sleep...
your bright pixels the moon of my room at night...
and my sun your stars...
How I needed you then,
How I needed the love you offered me.
The whole love that was for and not for my flesh,
as skin never could urge the way you did...
as touch could never sooth the way your idea was...
as nothing about our truth and deepest connection could feel at all.
For so many years,
Countless hours I carried you in my hands and heart where ever I walked.
I made of you a god, and with you, always I was one as well.
I made of you a lie,
because your face was a face you chose for me,
as my face was the face that responded to yours...
How now, do I find my self remembering you...
what was your name....
it seems to have slipped my mind,
and my memory.
It seems as tho...
you never existed...
much how you never did.
Was it paul? or chris? or maybe it was giles....
I look now to my new, more light memories.
I remember how deeply in mad I was with you...
and I see in him....
that delusion.
I see in him....
his lies.
I see in him,
his disenchantment,
and...
and his need...
and some greed driven part of me wants to drink of that need.
Some deeply broken part of me wants to nurture and love it.
Some part of me wants to confess I AM WHAT YOU NEED.
But, that is not true.
I am not what they ever needed,
I am only my self...
timid and scared,
longing to be unique,
longing to be longed....
longing for... some...
some... story to tell at the end of the night.
Some secret that is mine to hold and protect...
some life, which is not my own to live.
I can not repair the broken toy soldier.
I can not fix the long forgotten man.
I can not make whole he who is unable...
It is not my place or my calling to be the Shepard of man.
I do not hold any true knowledge which can shed for them the divine way...
All I know is that I did love,
the mask that they shone my way....
Its odd now in my memories
their faces and those times
have come to surface convoluted and intertwined.
What is the reason to remember
things which were never mine.

Lost in something

It is the ever echo,
The ringing chime...
The times that are changing.
The things which are mine.
It is the love not yet clear,
And the sky not yet seen...
That beats down warm,
That makes me sing.
Take flight in me now,
And love me till end,
You will be with me,
and I will be grin.
No more I question,
No more I care,
Free from all burden...
Not traped by dispare.
It is the new and the beginning,
That in this we share.
I will always love,
And you will be mine...
Throughout all our history,
When come the end times. 
Love is the reason,
And time is the cause. 
This sound that is humming,
For ever and on. 

the chase.

it was everything,
the cushion below me,
the cold of the room,
the touch of his hands,
the feelings in bloom.
it was for a moment,
perfect in all ways.
lost in the madness,
drunken in the haze.
it was the wholeness and acceptance of self,
that brought me to joy,
that surrendered all else.
it was everything
that one true night,
I wish I could have it
I wish it were there to set all things right...
but now it is a memory
lost in the swell of the sea
of things that have happened
of moments where I was free...
I want to chase it,
but its gone to far away
a distant shadow
a forgotten way.

For give

I awake anew and reborn in my sin.
A child playing with fire...
I love you,  my secret savior.
You'll never know how you set a blaze my world.
I'll never tell you, how I was dieing.
I'll never tell you,  how the light inside of me had faded.
And in the arms of your drug...
I was reborn.
I screamed for life,
To indulge once more in pleasure,
To feel...
To feel...
I felt, good.
I remembered all I had forgotten...
And you came,
Unknowing to save me,
That night...
One night, was all I needed.
And I'll never ask you for more.
I am greatful.
I forgave, my self. 
I forgave life.
I loved,  and breathed and existed with out expatiation. 
Saved one night,
Under the blue ocean...
Inside the green stars....
Freedom, I was born unseelie. 

the unfeeling

I do not see,
I do not know...
I can not tell how the worlds feelings flow.
I up and down,
I never turn...
I do not see,
I can not learn.
I am a piece broken from the whole...
I do not fit...
I do not know.
They are alien,
They are strange,
I want to feel them,
but I am estranged.
I am not whole,
but in pieces which can not reconstruct
but for moments on drugs,
and moments of luck.
I do not see,
I am not sure...
what you feel
how life as it was were.
I will never know,
I can not see,
I can not grow.

the unseelie knight

like a crashing waterfall
cold and strong he comes now to rescue me,
right of rescue that I am due.
someone to make everything new...
someone to hold and to die in.
someone to burn and shine bring in.
like a cliff that i stand before,
open wide and unknown he comes now to rescue me,
my unseele knight,
champion of indulgence.
he him self is not,
he knows not what he has done,
brining new light under the moon where the sun can not shine...
bringing new hope to a life what was hopeless.
I was about to fade,
to soften,
to forget...
but I remember now the highs match the lows,
all of life is an ebb and flow...
and like a bird i take flight this night
out from under my skin
out from the places where darkness began...
and i dance...
freedom in movement.
and i dance...
for all my soul to sing.
and I go crashing...
and I go unshackled...
and I am...
saved.

the feeling

take everything from me

that i can be free

take it all that i have nothing to fall from

take away all the things which hurt

which lurk

which want to drag me through the dirt

take it all away

and in its place leave me with nothing more than this feeling

this bliss under sound

this unrefined joy tucked into my heart

love, for loves sake.

the feeling it comes over me

it rolls into me

it crashes against the world 

and in it,

and in you,

and in this

i am free

FUCK DRUGS

never last long enough

Unknown

It is a creeping heat,
Rolling up my thighs,
Touching me in undiscovered places...
Pulling me out from my mind,
Into and through my skin.
It's shattering,
And I want it again.
Soft rough kisses on my lips.
Firm kind hands pressing into me...
Pray set me free.
Free me from my sins,
From my fear,
From wanting,
From nothing,  and everything.
In you.
In the raging, rolling, flowing high.
In the moment.
This fucking moment,
The earth stopped spinning and I started.
You heald me down and I was transcendent.
I was god,
I was the devil,
I was space,
I was time,
I was all of creation.
I was nothing...
Nothing but pleasure.
Pure, unrefined pleasure.
Un responsible indulgence...
And I want it again.
I want you again.
Inside me,
Melting me.
Taking me,
Bending me...
Into form,
Into existance and out the other side.
It's this heat,
Radiating from my body,
Begging, pleading, take me out into the unknown.
Make new light and joy in my body,
Let my mind wonder out into the night...
And pray you stand beside me while you can.

Beauty lost in redlights

Come child,
Know your beauty in the light if the morning. 
Know you worth outside of the touch of a woman.
Come child, and find peace.
Peace of mind,
Peace of body,
Peace of existance.
And then,
Pray exist in happiness. 
Pray love in wholeness.
Pray, complete.
Vibrate and shake and twitch till you find solid ground. 
Then stand,  for everything it's worth...
Stand stronger than you ever knew you could.
To be loved,  to love,  forever.
Find you dreams beautiful.
Lose you madness red.
And exist, for beauty.

To dance

Coming up over me,
Forcing the movement of my mind.
Pressing and pushing me further than I can go...
I can go past what I see,
Past what I feel,
Past what I know...
to find you.
Soft and kind in my memory.
To love you,
Just right now.
An ocean of sound,
deep blue heart beats,
Throbing, pulsing, pulling me away in the tide.
Lost in the undertow.
Lost in the second I exist in.
Lost in his eyes striking through the sound barrier.
All of this,  just to dance. 

drugs

Part 1 - Fearing the Unknown
it creeps around my mind like a sickness...
infected and swollen in paranoia.
I see how you speak of them,
how you turn in detest.
I hear how you feel for them,
in the words you left unsaid.
And I?
Am I one of them?
to be used?
to be mistreated?
just a subject of hate for you?
a twisted type of abuse...
it rattles and shakes and tears at me.
say something!
say...
I am not just filling a void.
say...
That I have some form of value...
because...
because I am weak,
and in the lonely night the sickness has taken hold.

Part 2 - The Come Up
waves and flows and breaths of pleasure,
intense sensations rolls over me.
melting from the pressure...
sinking and curving into the soft sheets...
I can not look away from that expressionless face.
my eyes locked where his should be.
screaming look at me...
look at me now,
broken off from the reality around me,
words falling on deaf ears,
teeth sinking into the cloth...
unspoken,
I need you in this moment.
your hands,
to touch me...
to bring me back from the deep darkness I am falling into...
I am coming up on...
I am...
a subject laying at a kings mercy..
pray, be kind to me...
because I have no choice now but to go along with your command.
I am enthralled...
I am captured...
I am along for the ride...
I have given in...
I have accepted.
I came here knowing what could come...
This intense existence,
it is what I asked for.

Part 3 - The High
I had never believed in you...
I had never known you...
That you were so soft,
That you were so tender...
That you were so intimate..
That you were kind.
I had never seen past the brutal outside,
I had never looked into your eyes.
I had never accepted the safety of being alone with you.
I did not know.
How shocked was I,
When you laid beside me...
When you took my hand...
When you kissed me so softly...
how taken back I was...
by your firm and caring hold.
How, for a moment I felt so beautiful in your gaze...
How...
for just a moment I lost all sight of every thing that was not your touch...
How it made me salivate,
how I wanted more...
how I wanted everything.
Drawn in by the pleasure,
and kept by the calmness of your lead...
transcendence.

Part 4 - The Come Down
as morning rises,
and our bodies meet to separate...
as we part our ways,
I wonder will I ever see you again.
Will I ever feel you again.
will you come looking for me...
I will not try and chase you.
I will not try and keep you,
I will not try and claim you for my own.
You are,
if nothing else beautiful to me.
you were,
if nothing else blissful company.
I hold no expectations for tomorrow.
I hold no wanting to alter your life.
If I want anything...
it would be that you remember me fondly, and are kind to that memory.
I can enjoy this thing as it is.
And I,
I will always remember you fondly.
And I will always be kind to the memory of you.
Even when you have wronged me,
because this was beautiful...
even if it was an unsleelie impulse.

Part 5 - The memory...
It was good to be with you,
It was good you took my hand.
It was nice to be beside such a beautiful man.
It was pleasurable to feel your weight upon me,
It was pleasurable to pull you in.
It was nice that you made me cum so many times since we were just friends.
It will stay with me,
this memory that we made.
I will keep it safe,
even if it was only one sided anyways.
it matters little how you saw it,
because I experienced it this way...
I laid with a man who made me so wet,
that I nearly floated away.

To burn

What have I done?
Come here to touch what I can not taste.
To rive and bend in pleasure
To die in the over stimulation...
You are no muse to me. 
You are no love,
You are barely a lover.
What have I done breaking all my rules,
To feel you pull against me
To be lost...
To be gone...
To dissolve,
In you, in heat, in a breath.
Melt into my melting body,
Tonight.
One night,
Once?
That's all?
Nothing more...
I want.
I want the heat of you,
The presure of you,
The weight of you,
The freedom.
I want to see you cum,
I want to see you need release,
I want to give it to you.
I'm nothing to you...
Your nothing to me.
Let's find obliteration
In one moment to high for the earth..
To burn...

tell me

where in lays the point to this all?
the place that tastes of razors,
the light that shone to bright,
the hope that keeps on hoping for the ever night.
where in lays the dream that we had?
the one where we were true,
where in lays a future for me...
and for you?
is there any reason,
any sound or any hope.
when no one knows to look,
how will they know ive broke.
its in the soft deception,
the begging violent need
fill me with earthy pleasures to sate the coming greed.
I can not let go the running
I fall on the too short a step...
please keep the engine running
I dont know how fast we may need to go back...
back into a time where,
where I was not so cold.
Back before they hurt me and left me to be sold.
When still I saw the beauty in my skin and under my eyes
before there was only sin and a spirit to dispise.
before I lost all faith in my fellow man
before I was left alone with the thorn in my hand.
How will they even find it,
if last I said it was true
I don't want to keep trying
Im reaching the end,
all I have left is you.
If you were to leave me...
If you were to go
I would be alone with no one else left to know.
That here I am dreamless,
here I am scorned.
Here I am have lost all the merits I once wore.
Here I am with nothing left in me veins.
What will be the currency,
how will I pay the toll again?
The dragon whispers softly...
"come out into the night...
Stay for ever child,
close your eyes tight.
Stop the ever running,
lay down I hold your needs,
kiss my lips your stunning,
sink into the seed...
you will never live to be to old
and to be frail,
instead youll die young
and leave a fast burning trail.
You never wanted to stay in one place very long.
come and kiss me gentle
and we can begin to sing your song"
And tell me again. why I run so hard
over broken glass,
blooded, bruised, scared....
where in lays the point to this all?
Where in lays the reason to exist...
to fight, to try, to care...
to even write all this?
where in lays the reason to even voice my thoughts
they will just fall short,
they will just be forgot.
There is nothing left to me.
I dont want to try.
To spend another night alone in bed,
to lay there and cry.
Tell me what happened to the girl I once knew?
She was beautiful,
desired and true.
She had so many reasons to want for better things,
to be happy with what she had,
to rejoice and sing.
Why did I chose the hard life?
Why did I go alone,
Why didn't I bow to the desires of those that gave me home?
Why am I here now, not a word to be said...
Stalling and writing alone in my bed.
tell me..
where in lays the point to this all?

because I don't see one,

The snow may be about to fall. 

Release under pressure

It is the weight of you upon me,
The feel of your hands on me...
The arc of my back.
The gasp for breath between waves of sensation.
Come upon me.
Intertwine and weave me past my skin,
Take me away from earth...
Let me free fall in the force of you.
Let me give over control and trust...
Trust you to take me to climax.
Trust you to hold me,
For a moment.
For a time,
For a second let me exist outside my mind.
Give me this,
And I'll give over me.
Release under presure,
Freedom with in sensation.
Existence.
Its you I desired,
And it is you i desire still.

To touch

To touch
That which was not mine.
To taste that which was never known.
To Live that moment in sin...
That is why I come to go. 
That our legs may intertwine,
That our bodies may interlock,
That my hands may live to see,
Your skin against my own...
That is why I took you here,
To this night alone.
That is why I want you now,
In ways you will never know.
That fear had locked me up,
That cowardice lead the way,
That in a drink I found my courage...
That this night our lips met and stayed.
That I would love you whole,
That I would worship you,
That I would beg to give...
The little death and release of you.
To see your face in moments of,
To smell the heat that comes off you,
To listen to your heart race...
To touch,
To taste,
To know your body's ache...
That is why I wanted you then,
That is why I want you now...
That all this and more waits for you
come take me, 
I'm waiting now...
Take me like a waiting dove,
Take me like a wanting slave,
Share with me your secrets,
And I'll take them to my grave...
Let me become the one
who would give you anything,
Who would break and bend,
To grant you any dream. 
That I will arc in pleasure
As pleasure crosses you...
All this and more
Would I give to you...
If you knew to ask me,
If you knew to say,
"Give me my desire"
And in your desire I'd melt away.
All I ever wanted,
All I ever need
To touch your face and linger
On your pleasure,
This simple thing is my greed. 

kaleidoscope eyes

bent forms over bending time
I danced, I came, I re-winded minds.
I entered, I exited,
I existed alone,
combined with everything,
human and stone.
I melted, I belted, I crawled, and I soared...
I was all things wonder,
all things stored.
I was ever knowing,
Unknown and re-found...
I heard the gods,
I knew the sound.
Bent and misshapen,
shapen purer than you,
I was the goddess,
the one you never knew.
I was the wind,
I was the sea,
I was all things, and nothing in me.
A scarlet body,
And Azure mind,
I was lost upon a ship,
taken out of time.
With  kaleidoscope eyes I saw the truth of man,
we are all connected,
as tho we were holding hands.
The tree is the serpent,
The serpent the babe,
The babe was everyone,
timeless with out a grave.
And all the things forgotten,
and all the things forgave.
bent forms, bending over and over the internal rave.

in a spoon, the dragons mine.

I saw it there,
the dragons tail...
It called to me,
singing,
"find in me lost ecstasy"
I saw it sit,
upon that spoon.
All I've missed,
All I once knew...
The thing I feared so long its been,
to bring my doom...
to call my sin.

I saw it there,
the dragons claw...
embedded deep,
deep into my jaw.
I bled,
I broke,
I wanted free... 
but the claws to deep to let go of me.
I wanted never think of it again,
but the open wound,
calls back memories of the sin.
Never let go,
pray never let in.

I saw it there,
the dragons spine...
bent and twisted,
rope and twine...
cut the circulation,
find the line...
its voice like honey,
its taste like swine.
"rest here now"
It pleads to me,
"rest here for ever,
I'll set you free"
The lies it tells...
they sounded so sweet to me.

And shaking body,
And aching mind,
And trembling veins,
untravelled in time.
I wanted it more
than more of my mind...
I wanted it deadly,
remembering the tie...
the gear and tackle,
the push and the need,
the cotton which saved me,
the junkies greed...
I remembered it all
as tho It had been me.

I saw it there,
the white dragon of the sea,
I saw it there...
laid out before me.
The kiss of death,
the Kiss of pure ecstasy...
Nothing so good could ever set me free...
From the dragon I run,
forever it seems. 

drunken need

intoxicate me in want,
and wanting I will come to stay.
Intoxicate me in wine,
and my body will arc and bend and play.
Intoxicate me in new,
in undiscovered and unknowns..
and I will come to worship at a warriors throne.

Intoxicate me in reciprocation,
intoxicate me in yes please,
intoxicate my body...
and feed my hungers greed.
My mind will follow suit,
My hands will lead the charge,
Intoxicate me in simi-ever,
and never more will I feed to starve.

Intoxicate me in your skin,
and high as a kite I will soar.
Intoxicate me in your eyes,
I will look to not want more.
Intoxicate me in your sound,
and sounding all the same...
I will be like fire,
I will remove the pain.

And drunk and dancing,
And full and greed,
And happily ever after,
And champion the need...
And high on willingness,
And high on time...
I will be the kiss
You will be the wine.

Stain the sheets violet,
Dip the lust azure...
I will be the scarlet woman,
and you will be the learned.
All the things forgiven,
All the sin restrained,
Intoxicate me forever,
or just tonight to keep me sane. 

The time is dawning

It is time she whispered quietly,
looking out into the night.
It is time she said yet louder,
giving fire to fight. 
And so she stood,
straight and sturdy...
Her eyes like fire,
Her mind like knives,
Her fingers trembling...
It is time to take the night.

Embrace me she pleaded,
soft and cherry sound.
Embrace me she begged, 
seeking what was lost be found.
And so she keeled,
A shaking girl of vine and wine...
Her heart like butterflies,
Her body like greed,
Her eyes pleading for him to fill the need...
Hold her faster, its time to go
The night comes fast, no one will ever know.

And there upon the lost and lonely,
She stood a warrior only...
A knight to shadow,
and Princess to pain,
A wanting and lacking,
all things being the same.
And her voices was as honey,
and her skin was as need,
and all things ended when he laid his hands to feed.

It is time she said solemn,
looking deep to find his soul.
It is time she said hopeful,
Needing more than he could know.
Her still shadow form,
and rubies have been paid...
Its time for time to come
and all 3 to lead the way.

warrior

Come and see...
I beg you,
see me as more than I easily display.
See me as pure,
and see me as good.
See me as more than a quick lay.
See me as something beautiful...
for in your eyes I could be,
some long past forgotten form of me.
And for you I will offer a universe,
naked under stared skin...
A place with out judgment...
A place with out sin.
I will grow to love you,
ever with out expatiation of love in return.
I will fight and rage for you,
so you may be at peace.
I will open doors for you,
so you can rest at ease.
no more the worry of tomorrow...
for I am living fate and fate will be spun for free.

Come and see me...
and I will make it worth your wile.
I will come full out in divine style.
I will reveal all secrets hidden,
I will hide all misgiven form.
I will cherish every second,
where we can speak with out worry or warn.
I will live in those moments,
where you and I can play...
as friends and as lovers,
as cattle and as hay.
I will feed you fully,
that you can take your fill.
I will bend and break,
that you may stand tall and still.
I will give you everything,
when at last we are alone...
I will give you everything,
for a night, under moons, and upon stone.
I will pray to you my warrior,
A god and a king...
That you may answer truly,
in eyes which say more than words can mean.
No more will I hide this,
The time to be hidden long past gone,
I know you are beautiful,
and I know you are strong.
And for you I will show all three faces,
Locked in time, fate and create
I will open all locks and lay siege to the gate.
In a world with nothing stopping you,
how could you be anything but great.
All this and everything,
Take me before it is to late.

Come and see,
I pray to you.
See me as more than words can describe,
see me as truth, and as scholar, as lover and as pride.
See me not as an empty place,
but a place with vastness form.
and for you I will sound the trumpet,
and for you I will play the horn.
I am not offering eternity,
But if you let me free...
I will offer you a love
that I will take with me to the sea.
I will care for you beyond words,
and I will remember one day
when I have grown old.
my skin turned to paper
my hair turned to hay....
I will remember a warrior from his younger days,
And I will speak of him fondly
as from this world I fade.

See this,
I pray to you.
See me,
I beg.
See future and past
as you lay with me in bed.
See me not as an object,
and for you I will try
to restrain the things which haunt you and I.
I will be like chameleon,
I will be like silk,
I will be like everything and nothing ,
azure and filled.
And all this I offer for the mere entry fee,
See me in honest,
and for moments of time you will have me.