a fine wine

it is the need for this that I miss,
the come and go the
push and pull of this game
dancing on star clouds and ribbons
it is this that i long for.
the place i go to be free
so far lost to my fingertips now..
and as i traveled up and down those...
those long seamless rivers of passage,
soft air in my face
bitter night in my hair
searing want in my mouth
clenching song in my gut,
i remembered.  
i remembered your eyes on me
those eyes that saw everything and nothing
those eyes which i wonder,
will they ever know me?
i remembered.
i remembered the warmth found in the window of the morn,
the soft melting of the sun upon the sins of my flesh.
and i knew, it would always be there for me.
I will never run from the sun,
I will never turn from those eyes.
I will wait, that maybe one day under the suns bright light
my shadow form will melt
and he will see me
in plain and vivid sight for the first time.
i will be known in the world.
i will be remembered for just a moment.
I will be treasured.
it is this I miss,
the exchange of dream in world.
the flowing freely of sorrow pierced under my blouse. 
it is this, my greatest want,
to live in that world.
a world of words and of dreams
rich and golden
saturated in love.

control and beauty.

what is it that we are really seeking when we cut our callories to 500 a day, what is it when we force our selves through hunger and cramps, what are we trying for? us it so when he looks at me, he sees beauty? no, because i know that what he sees. he.finds me desirable. is it so i see my self as beautiful? no, because i kniw my goal is not reachable. is it because i need to have control, is this just an extension of the box i never noticed before now? i wish i knew so i could snuff out this sickness.

broken barbi dream

it is the revibe and flow
found here in your hands that calls me to shadow memory.
my love... lover... lovely.
i am bent and broken to you forced to tell all...
and now i can not.
living in this shadow.
i too have become the lier.
i too will live in disknown.
for ever i would run and lay in your feilds.
not all things can be healed in your issued word.
to give up the box, was but a snall gesture.
to return to consuming correct,
i can not.
i am not strong enough.
my body ugly and scared.
i can never be so perfect for you.
for him...
for my self.
what worthless skin i lay in.
and i see a form so close to perfection...
ill never be like that.
ill never be beautuful. it hurts ne to look.

im sorry i cant tell you.
im lonely i cant tell anyone hiw much i die inside over this.