apologies fall slient

I fumble through my days
scared and nervous of every interaction i must make.
ashamed of my truths
desperately trying to hide from the world
that no one will see me.
that those eyes will no rest on me. 
that no one will now how many things ive done wrong.
things, i cant accept in my self.
shames and regrets i cant look past in the mirror.
and so i lie.
and i steal from times when things were better,
i replay the memories of what was good on my face
so people see that good, so no one sees me.

they shouldn't know,
how weak i am.

they shouldn't know
how much i need to run away screaming inside from my self.

they should just see me smile, im fun.
im weird, but happy.

they cant know.

and in fumbling occasionally i find a person
that i feel safe with, in ways.
that i can stop stealing from my past and be in the
horrible now, in the dark and murky now
that i dont lie to.
that i dont hide from.

fumbling i fnd a real person.
a human... in a crowd of lies.

and i exist.

i spend so much time not existing,
i forget how.

i fail and fall and then,
i hide again.
ashamed at my lack of ability.
ashamed of my scars
ashamed of my shame.

when i hide behind his large frame, he cant see me as i am.
I am shadowed in is shade
he will not know me in the now.
if he did he would run not stay.
they run, because i run.
if he knew...
he would be hurt
so i remain silent.

but here you were
a person, existing not like him
a different form of safe.
safe to speak..
but my words are clumsy
and they mean more and less than they say.
i layed out trust
and smeared in in violent blunt tear drops.

and then i broke it against my self.

and then i fell

and then i begged.

and then, i fumbled in regret
unable to pull back the memories to play a smile on my face.