as if you could see me she said

so played I the dancing fool
to love and be loved
the quite dream ticks.
and ticker tatter on the keys of my soul I said,
be like the god who see me
be like the one who knows
and never known was my effort.
and never known was my reason.
and so fall from couds heavy and soft
did my body drop and my mind drip.
Were his lips so hesidant that the vivid sight could break in my eyes.
was the intimacy of it all to deep
with so many currents under-swept in the flow of it.
that the battle forged on and that the song bird died in her sleep.
I sang once your song
one of love and of hope
that never return again to my broken patterns I would go
and now broken open in my skin
is the pulsing abscess of my heart.
bleed for me and fuck away this sadness.
and all I have ever been is a repeating one night stand.
so danced and played so well
even I did not hear the music.
Even I was his Fool.
Even I so captured in the need for confinement in my mind
let go the walls to welcome him
and so was he the unwitting trojan horse. 

lover love me
I cried
and heard not my plee, lost to the sound of the song.
But I will compromise my want to be full in your wine I begged.
Drunk on the smell and sight of you,
dancing on the ever flow of your echo.
slipping from the quicksilver to the quickflame.
I was one beautiful when you saw me.
But your heart and mine are fickle lovers.
Pricking and prodding the expanse of what can be tolerated. 
Finding that I too, have always been alone.
Finding that I too, will always be at the core the shadow on the wall.
finding that there is no place for me in this world of action.
and slipping deeper into the dark here again
in my safest safe place the place of words I hide.

I hide my self as tho you had never seen me.
I hide my regret that I spoke at all.
I hide my heart-broken fingers as they ticket tatter away.
Read not my skin again for now,
that lover be only a title for no one can be let into my body
no one now can be let close as I regain control.
As I remake what I was once,
As I smile in this cold night whose milky darkness weeps in mirrored action of my own.
As I assume the frozen throne and crown again in my responsibility.

I will be not the jester for I am the queen.
I will be not the child who at night in storms scream
I will be only cold and calculated and cool,
and those who obey me will now play the fool.

That I could love and be loved and still seen transparent unveiled in only truth
was a failed and folly dream.

But I will still love for you in my heart locked away.
and when no one is looking I will dream of a day
When Outside my window the sun melts the snow
and summer has come
and beauty can grow.
And maybe in time and development and change
I can be free of my walls and free of the rain.
That the floods will stop and the path be made clear
I will hold on to a prayer that one day one year,
I will dance and I will sing
but not as the fool
I will eat sweet wines and love my lovers true.
That I will be what Ive never become whole and wanted
for ever in love.