cold heart

if you let me
i will love you with the cold kiss of the artic wind.
if you let me
i will keep you warm in blood dipped snowflakes
from now, until the end of time.
if you let me
i will take you far away from here
take you far into the stars,
there where there is no air,
and the universe is a cold picture.
if you let me
i will wrap my ice arms around you,
i will hold you frozen in my love.
i will give you frostbite.
if you let me.

GRUMPY +

Sometimes, When I wake up, I wish I was still sleeping; Even tough our beds awful, and it makes my back hurt. When I do wake, I am alone in the world. It’s a, scary feeling. Last night I actually slept with a knife… for the short few hours I managed to close my eyes and pretend that someone was with me. I think this shit is driving me mad and making me ill. Not just the being alone, but the bed its self. My back really is killing me. Its gotten to the point where I cant turn my neck all the way. Not sure what exactly I should do about that. Nick seems content to keep sleeping on it. Meh. I’m just tired cause I haven’t really slept in a long time. Its making me an old crotchety woman.

dandelion wars, and the mad hatter +

It comes now,

The Living Mettles

The Quick-Silver Madness

They sing to me.

Soft Loving Voices,

They whisper violent nothings in my ears.

They de-construct the world I have built.

They re-destroy the life I dreamed.

They un-create the hope of sanity.

It comes over me,

It creeps up my legs,

It wraps its finger around my thighs

It looks deep into my eyes

And it

SCREAMS

…return to the dandelion fields

…return to the battle

… Take up your sword and March or may, combatant.

And I the ever living,

The unending fool

Return.

Return to the blood covered fields of my youth

Return to the same mistakes I always make

Return to the ending I am never content in.

Return to the dream, of being able to dream up something better.

These long hard nights,

These empty beds

These void walls

I try to cover them in colors,

Fill them in pillows,

And shorten them in pills

But, they remain…

They remain and I remain

The victim of the quickest…

quick silver…

How many ink wells must I dip in blood

How many rubies will pay the costs of this?

How many fortunes?

How many ransoms?

How many robberies?

I can’t keep living as a thief,

Of time,

Of memories, of loves, and hates, and emotions in the vast general world where people feel something outside the numb.

I am incapable of being human anymore

Covered in the madness

Covered in the Quick-Silver

Covered in the past

... I am the voice

... I am the goddess

I am the sin,

And I am the one you pray to!

ON YOUR KNEES

She charges in on her black horse

She charges on the field

The beatnik butter cups

And the dandelion savages

The raving bluebells

And the troll sunflowers

The wild tiger lilies

And the last drop of morning dew

So many petals, flying falling

There is not end.

There is no other world

There is no heavens

There Is no choice….

I can not, not chose to be the champion.

Yehoshea +

…Hate regrets…

Yes, hate them, live to avoid them always take the chance, never give in to fear. Never give in, never give up. I know I am strong; I have survived a great many things others would have fallen apart at. And in all my life, I regret almost nothing. Everything happens for a reason. Everything happens in its own time. I do not regret Dan dieing in my lap while I was so fucked up on drugs I could not move. I do not regret hitchhiking from Texas to California. I do not regret sleeping in greyhound stations, I do not regret the cold feeling of a metal baseball bat and the red shade that covers the world in those times, I do not regret loving and having my heart broken, I do not regret life… but…

I regret loving him. My Yehoshea, my pure creamed skin blue eyed Yehoshea. He could look into me and command the sea of my hear to part, and it would. He would look at me and say “pige I love you, you more than anyone else and no one will ever love you like I do.” And he was right, no one has every loved me like him. So intensely. He is my beshert. And in him, I am truly my self. More my self than I will ever be. More my self than Is possible. I am free. I have the acceptance, and love I can only dream about in the outside world… we live in our own paradise. One covered in blood and hate and sin. And its ok, then. its ok to be that way. It’s ok to let down my guard and embrace my soul. Fate is a cruel mistress and we are her swords and her tongue. His lips, can cool me though. Like no one ever has. And when I snap, which I do uncontrollably around him and I know the rose colored shade of the world… he pulls me back with a kiss. And in those moments he whispers into my ear the same prayer “my beauty sleep now, sleep so latter we can be together, so latter this rage can be passion my queen” his queen. Tears run for my eyes remembering his voice, I was his… his queen. His. And the rage subsided and the rose of the world returned to normal color. I was like a puppet in him, he pulled my strings artfully, and it was because he is everything I am, but stronger. He has my missing pieces. He is, my other half, made of the same pieces of earth… made by the beautiful hands of fate. And I love him. I love him when he beats men ¾ dead for looking at me wrong. I love him when he destroys stores because he disagreed with the clerk who didn’t speak English. I love him when he paints swastikas outside temples; I love him when he jumps black people walking down the street at night. I love him when he sins, because he loves me for what I am. When he came home covered in blood and grabbed me by the wrist and pulled me to the shower… when he looked into my eyes scared and worried that he would be arrested, that he would be taken from me that I would be alone in my rage, he would smile and whisper to me “I love you, I love you like no one in this world can, I love you for what I know you are capable of, I love you for your sins, I love you for the monster in your soul that devours your good intentions… I love you forever” one night he came to me, to the side of our bed, he reached out for me as I slept and I woke as his fingers sat on my neck. And he spoke “you know what I am going to do, and I know what will happen. You see it hua?” he looked into me like he never had before. And I think that may have been the only time in his life he cried. The beast, the monster, the heartless fiend… he cried. “I am leaving you now, I willn’t be back for some time and I know you will be gone when I return, but I will call you. I will find you. I will always love you” I looked to him. I couldn’t say anything… he slapped me. “fuck say something” and I smiled, and looked at him… I said don’t go. He walked away. And in the morning, I was gone. I want nothing more in my life, than to be loved. To be healed. For someone to know me for what I am, to be seen as beautiful truly beautiful not regardless of my sins but because of them. And I know, my Yehoshea was the only one who would ever love me like he does, and that he will love me long after we die. And I will always regret going there. I will always regret knowing him. I will always regret that i didn't make him stay. And I know, I can never go back. I know how that ends.

Kingdom of Ice and Flame +

A piece of the Kingdom Series

Part I

Rose

It sat, outside my reach

Far off outside the borders of my kingdom

It sat, chaste and red

A thing, so beautiful

I cried frozen tears,

Melting from my ice heart

And freezing on my arctic skin.

The rose.

The one,

True beauty of the world.

And,

From the window of my castle,

I could not see its thorns.

Part 2

The mirror

There was no sunshine in my world

There was no warmth of the morning

There was no rebirth.

Perpetually frozen,

In time,

In fate,

In everything.

Left only with a mirror to the outside world

The only reminder things

Outside my kingdoms even existed

The mirror,

The one who should have comforted me

Was my chain,

Was my prison.

It plagued me with images

I could not leave my kingdom

My frozen heart would melt

My artic skin would puddle,

I would be no more

Yet I desired nothing but to leave.

A mirror made of liquid mettle,

That never froze.

The most alive thing in my world.

Part 3

The Droplet of Color

The world was monochrome blue

Frozen colors have no shine

There was only soft hints of what may be

hidden deep under the frost

deep under memories

deep under the possibility of a world outside ice

so dreamed the artic queen of color

so dreamed the frigid hand for warmth

and so,

one morning a rose with droplets of color

lay upon the pillow next to her,

as though it had always been there

it shown a bright red

the only color in a frozen world

Part 4

The Touch of Ice

I longed to touch the flame

I longed to be free of my icicle prison

I longed to touch something,

Someone… anyone

But I knew… there was no way

If I dared it

If I reached out to smooth over its surface

I would cage it like my self

I would destroy it

Not how I was…

Not how I am,

I could not…

I had to change…

I am changing…

One day,

My hands will be warm.

Part 5

The Knight

All the years passed

I did not age

Nothing aged

Nothing changed,

I sat looking out of my kingdom out to the boarding lands of flame

As I always had,

Watching,

Waiting for things to be different

Waiting for a knight to save me

Waiting in silence,

Waiting in pain

Wanting to have a champion…

To free me from this barren land

To take me far away

To rescue me from my self

To melt the ice

To bring back the things long left dormant

Long left under the snow

Under the shadows of forgotten dreams

But, all who tried all who dared

Stood frozen no more than 20 paces into my land.

I felt my hope grow colder,

And the snow began to fall.

Part 6

The Squire

He charged in swift, and hard

He ravaged through the snowy grave of so many others like him

And he, was not even a knight.

A mere squire.

A child, at best

Bumbling barely able to lift the sword of the fallen before him

And yet, he made it to the gates of the castle

He made it to the court room

He made it to my hand

He kneeled before me

Then the heavens shook

The walls fell

The world cracked and

I lost hold of him

I lost sight of him as I felt my self

mislaid from the only world I knew…

Part 7

The Gallows

The heavens split

The tossed me to a sea

The tossed me to the rage of an ocean

There I changed

There I altered

There I was no longer my self

No longer a queen

There I died

There I was reborn

There I stood trial for my sins

And there I was found guilty,

There I was brought to the gallows.

I died

Time passed in my watery grave

I laid forgotten many centuries, many kingdoms

Until his hands and her eyes and his touch

Until they rescued me…

All of them…

The king, the queen, the saint, the court

Until they breathed life into me

I am free now.

Part 8

Transcendence

There is no place like this

This is the place no one can go

This is the place in my heart

Not capable of ending

Not capable of containment

Not capable of explanation

There is no words to describe this

This freedom

This rebirth

This new muse

This new hope

This transcendence.

Darkness comes for me +

You were there once,

To hold

To love me

To make the darkness go away at night.

You were the sunshine of my evening

You were the shield from the cold

You were everything.

Your touch made new life in my skin

Your voice brought new joys to my soul

And your eyes made everything ok, forever.

But, you are gone now,

And there is no sunshine.

At least not every day…

Some times the morning never comes

Most the time,

I live in darkness.

I sleep alone.

I am alone,

I miss…

You.

I miss everyone.

This solitary binding is killing me.

The Crown +

A piece of the Kingdom Series

Part I

The one

At night the memories come

They flow over me like an ocean

I see my own death

Like I have been there before

It’s quiet…

It’s peaceful…

As the water fills my lungs,

My heart…

My soul.

And deep in the depths,

So deep there is no more light

I see him…

I see his arms

They reach out for me

They extend past the darkness

Through the world

Into the void and they hold precious air

I hear him

His voice haunts me

It is both beautiful and unholy

It’s the sound of a broken god…

The one.

Forever the one,

The one before time

The one outside of fate

He is serial,

And he is one.

His skin made of dragon scales

His eyes the nights fire

His voice stolen from Angels

His touch, holds life.

My life

In Limbo.

The one.

He has always been.

He will always be

Cast in shadow.

He steals me from the death meant for me

And he fears not

The consequences of fate.

Part 2

The Seat and chains

Chain me,

Cage me,

Stop me,

Keep me,

Free me,

Kill me,

Love me,

Hate me…

Whispers the chains of the throne

Sat, powerless

King, Queen, and Court

Its slave.

It is tradition,

It is expected.

It is understood.

It is unbreakable,

Living mettles from the place in the void.

A place you can never return from.

A place you can never go.

A place Priced only once.

Part 3

The Crown

Crafted of the finest Loves,

Died in the Quickest-Silvers

Framed over the Souls of the pure

It rests on top the Kings Head.

It rests his masterpiece

His passion, Unspoken

Not needing words,

It is there for all to see.

No one need ask explanation.

Yet, it can not see its wearer

It is trapped,

Its soul woven into new form

Will it ever be whole?

Part 4

The bed you lie in

Once, I was beautiful

I was Queen of a far away land

A land of Ice and Snow.

A Perfect Frozen Kingdom

There, nothing aged

Nothing died

Nothing decayed…

But I left seeking the flame

I left seeking the color

I left seeking a rose.

And a rose I had.

It was beautiful while it lasted

But it aged,

It died

It decayed.

And now I to,

Begin to age

I begin to die

I begin to decay.

I am not so cold

But my time grows short

My fate speeds up and I fall

Through my world

Into death

Into a foreign land

With tears of angels

I fall into the sea,

And I accept I will perish

Part 5

In death

I hear them

There laughter

There happiness

There smiles

There life.

I hear the peace and joy

I feel a tug on my soul

I feel a desire to be with them

But I am no more my self

I am no more at all…

I am here underneath you,

Waiting…

Forever.

Part 6

Reborn

Kelp around my ankles

Tangling my way

There is no freedom as I am

And so I pray

I pray to the things above

I pray to the dream

I pray to the one

I sin in this,

he is not of my world,

he is not of my kind

but I pray fro redemption

I pray to his Holy Queen,

I pray for a touch

I pray for a kiss

I pray for a chance

And there

In the morning sun

Light shines through

I am fallen from my shell

I am broken from my curse…

For now

I am reborn.

I have been cleansed of my transgressions

In the death of the sea

Part 7

Fallen from grace

There was a time

When I knew the answers to all things

When my soul

My spirit

My touch knew every second of the universe.

But some time ago

I let out to much

I gave in to little

And I fell

I wanted a mortal life

I wanted love,

And to be normal

I wanted to be born,

I wanted to die.

I wanted to know the one

I wanted to see his crown.

I wanted to free him from his chains

I wanted to see her realized…

I wanted, so much.

For every many kingdom of the world.

I wanted there to be light

So I gave my self

I lost my touch

I fell from grace

So that the nights would haunt me

And I would always sleep alone.

Part 8

The war of heaven

Will they notice?

I have stolen there princess

I have captured there prince

I have built a sword out of demon flesh

Cooled in angels tears

Will they see me?

For what I am,

Once I was, the greater power

Now only a shard, a fraction.

A great war between the 3 powers of all things

The one broke the rules

The second fell under the flames

And the third cried for her losses.

I will not let it end this way.

The Kingdom +

Part I

The King

He is there

In his throne,

Tarnished silver and shadowed forms

He is there

In his castle

Stoic hanging over the sea

He is there

In his Crown

Beautiful, Mysterious and Distant.

Part 2

A throne

Older than time and living of mettles

Detailed scriptures engraved in its sides,

They speak and sing in your soul

Every wonder of the world

Every Horror of a dream

Every Pleasure of a Nightmare.

It is the Thing to hold a god

A god in mortal shell

It is the thing that has always been,

It is both joy and sadness

Part 3

The Queen

Truth has never been so veiled

Beauty has never been so complicated

Grace and Rage have never coincided so harmonically

As in her touch

As in her Kiss

As in her Smile

As in her.

It is not her birth right that makes the peasants kneel

Or the Court silence when she speaks

Her smile demands they remember happier times when they are low

And when her eyes turn cold, and she speaks in force

They all remember she is a goddess of the sun, and a mistress of the moon.

They all remember how beautiful she is

They all know how full of love she can be.

And at night,

When they look to the castle perched above the sea

And they see the moon make the tides dance for her

They remember her perfection and the passion found in her soul.

Part 4

The castle

Perched for 1000 years above The Sea

Built in stone form a world that is no more

Brought down from angels tears

And demons swords

The King and Queen Built a Kingdom

Built a paradise above an ever raging ocean

Build a Land out of dreams

Out of fears

Out of lust

Out of the unknown

Out of the imposable

For ever living in darkness

Shadowed by the wrath of the things below it

Below the surface of the water

Part 5

The gala

The Queens presence pierced the assembled

Her form delicately moving through out,

Smiling, Laughing, singing, loving

She was the center of the known world

And all revolved around her,

Pulled in by her gravity

All but the King,

Who smiled softly

And remained in her orbit.

Who watched carefully all those who approached

Who gently enjoyed the Queen, her Jester and her Fool.

They were, Beautiful.

Part 6

The jester to the queen

Would you like to see a trick madam?

I can make a fool a jester and my self a fool.

If you close your eyes m’lady

You will not notice whose hand will run along your spine

It is I?

Is it she?

Who on earth could it be?

Would you like a real reason to smile my Queen?

A joke?

A pleasure?

A trinket?

A toy?

How can I best serve you?

How can I best make you happy

Is that not the role of a jester?

Is that not my humble place

To keel before your grace and make you smile?

Make you giggle,

Should I in ploy the French feather?

Speak to the wind your desires,

If you can not to me

I will listen to the wind and make all the desires you desire be.

Part 7

The kings’ eyes

I sat there with the king,

Alone in a room

The Queen gone in other affairs

He smiled at me,

And his eyes,

His eyes stabbed through me

I feel into him

I fell onto him

His hands, so firm against me,

Holding me for life

Mortally wounded by his gaze

Part 8

The Queens Kiss

Dieing in the arms of the king

She came to me

The Goddess of the sun,

The Queen of the kingdom.

There she was above me,

Nothing more than a court jester

And she smiled

God him self had to look away

For never before in existence has there been such beauty.

And she spoke

and I felt a warmth roll over me

and she leaned into me

and she put her lips on mine

and I was no more wounded

and I was no more a jester.

I was a part of a greater kingdom.

there is beauty. +

there is beauty in her eyes,
in her delicate hands
in her smile
oh dear god, in her smile.
you could save the world from sin with her laugh.
no one could do harm to another in her presence...
she is radiant.
she is perfect, in every one of her flaws.
She is the goddess of the Sea, and the Land
She is the Queen of Lust and of Love,
She is, Everything one could dream for...
She is beauty.