to a boy

I want to tell you a story of my self. A story of the last few days, of today and of all time. I will tell it in fragmented words and thoughts as I sit here at work.

I want to be your friend. I hold words and titles in extreme reverence. Maybe, no certainly more than I think most people do. "friend" is not something I would call someone lightly.

After reading all your words, which hurt me, I want you to understand why when you came outside yesterday I could barely make to look at you in the flesh. I could not trace the shape of your face into my mind that I would recognise you better latter. I could not store the data of, is he tall? will he slouch? what is the gate of his movement? I could not reconcile the reality of your person before me. Because to realise your existance fully...

I did not want to feel your pain. I did not want to feel your loss. I did not want to feel your isolation in the betrayal of your heart. Love is unique, pain is unique. I have decided these things are true. My love, my pain no other person can know what it is to feel them, and so I can not truly know yours. They are not comparable emotions. That we may or may not have shared common situations in no way indicates that I am aware of what is inside you any more than you are aware of what is inside me.

I talk a good talk, and walk a good walk... I pretend I give no fucks, I pretend I am cold and do not care. and this, is my biggest lie. This is my most unreconciled truth. I care ferociously for those I chose to have around me. I have a deep seeded need, want, drive, to protect, care for, offer hospitality to those I call "tribe". Those members of my extended chosen family. To me, that is what a friend is. Someone who if they showed up on my door step I would with out hesitation or though take them into my home and feed and shelter. The world is a cold place, who else will protect us?

I hide from physical contact, even sometimes from those I am intimate with. When I am sad, when I am hurt I do not want to be hugged, I do not want to be touched, I seek being my self and only my self. Physical touching someone for comfort (giving or receiving is not a natural response for me typically) and yet, I wanted to give you a hug yesterday. Not because I longed for your flesh, or your smell, not what would be for me any normal reason to want to touch another person. But because... because I see in you something worthy. Something good. Something kind. Someone beautiful. And in all that, I wanted you to know I am willing and open to being your friend and with my friendship comes my care. Always one can not exist with out the other.

I am being wordy, and passionate, because I am wordy and passionate by my nature. I hope you do not take this the wrong way... I am not judging you I never will. I am not trying to save you, to fix you, to repair you because I do not see you as broken, I do not see you as needing saving. I do not see things that way. I accept people as they are for what ever they are. I hope for my friends that they grow, that they become better truer versions of them selves, but I do not know better than they do what that means. Instead I support all (with minor exceptions) choices people make. (those exceptions are things like smoking crack and doing heroin... because those things take away your free will and you can no longer make true decisions about life, in cases like that I will try and intervene and make choices for friends they are clearly not capable of making any longer, as in the past was done for me.)





As much as I do not understand why other people have feelings, I feel things very deeply. My emotions run deeper and more intense that I often wish they would. I am manic in all senses, extreme highs, extreme lows. As much as I might not notice someone is in pain, I can, in words feel empathy. I can in text relate to others much more than I am able to in the flesh. This... This world, this other world of no skin, no faces, no bodies... I shine in this world. I cherish this world, and you... you clearly do to (shine that is). You have good and powerful words, and I respect you all the more for that.

Why, if your even still reading this you may wonder... why is this crazy girl doing this? Why would I spend the better part of my day not looking at pictures of kittens on imgur? Why all this for someone I barely know and have really never hung out with at all... well, maybe because I am crazy. I say I will not judge you, not ever and that is true because I all ready have and I judged you worthy. Most people are boring, and not worth investing any time or emotion in but your great. And so, here I am investing time to have a relationship with you, offering you one if you want it. (no like a weird kind of relationship but a friendship)Lets go wheat paste the city with wizards. Lets have fun. I don't need you to take care of me at all, but if you ever need someone to take care of you, talk to you, bail you out of jail, set something on fire with you.. you know those sorts of things..  I got your back man. :p


I do not venture outside my comfort zone often or ever. It is not safe, there is no one to protect me there. I am alone when I go out into the world of strangers, I am alone in thick heavy crowds of people. And more than anything I fear the places my mind will take me when I am to far detached. For me to do this, for me to talk to you, for me to be true and transparent and real with you I must leave the safe all ready established world to find out who you are and incorporate you into that safe place where I know that I can trust you, that you are real, and tho this is unconformable, being vulnerable before anyone, being vulnerable before you I believe it could be worth it, your fun.

I believe firmly in some things, things I know will protect me from harming those I love, things I know which will keep me from being a bad person. I have built my self a moral code to live by. I do not, and would not ever hold anyone else to my code as they are not me.

My code:

Death before dishonor: honor is the most important virtue, the source of all glory. To turn the other cheek to a true attack of my honor or the honor of those who i am duty bound to is never an option.

Love Conquers all: True love transcends all and epitomizes what it means to be be alive. Love is not inherently romantic. Love is putting someoen else before you with no expectation of it ever being reciprocated. Love is being happy for the other person when they are happy and being open to that person and true and honest, always.

Beauty is life: beauty is a timeless, objective quality that, while it cannot be defined, is always recognized for itself. Beauty is a good part of why life is worth living. For those moment those soft beautiful moments. Seeing a friend smile, tasting something delicious, feeling the wind on my skin. These things are beautiful.

Never forget a debt: one gift deserves another. The recipient of a gift is obliged to return the favour. One injury is also treated the same. I am not Christian, I was not raised Christian. I am Jewish. And we believe in an eye for an eye traditionally.

Transparency is the closest form of truth:  Truth is hard to define because it is always inherently bias and can only be recorded in memories which again are bias. Being honest and transparent about my intentions and wants and needs is key, and the closest form of truth I can give those around me. I will do this always, I will never deceive the "tribe." With transparency comes full consent.

This is who I am. This is what I have to offer. I will help you in any way you ask for help from me. I will be your friend.


I know loss, and heartache. But also I know love, and happiness, and  wholeness and I wish that for everyone close to me. I tell you to be happy because sometimes I my self forget this. I am imperfect like all things. And again, In all things I accept your imperfection. I see my truest self, my reason for living as a quest for the holy grail which I will not be dissuaded from.I know things wholly about who I am, with vigorous faith I believe in things fully like a religious maniac. I *know* that part of my truest self smiles in the joy of others... that my joy is in theirs, that I am here that my "tribe" may take their fill of love from me because my capacity to love is limitless and unmeasurable when I chose it to be so. I am not, please note saying I love you, that would be absurd as I do not know you. I am only saying, who I am, what I am that you may know the truth of me better. That I am not hiding or deceiving you. And there are other less attractive things I know to be true of my self, and those to I do not wish to conceal from you.

I am nervous to express this, I am anxious. I feel vulnerable here in my safe place of words, but to be true to my self I must proceed.

I am cold, and cruel and sharp to the world that is not my "tribe", I do not love it, I do not accept it, I do not want it and I will not give to it.  I would chose to see 1000 other people die than to see a member of my "tribe" suffer a bruise.  I am calculating by nature and thus manipulative.  Those who are judged as unworthy are in my eyes subhuman and I pay them no mind. It is because I am capable of being this way, it is because I am this way naturally that I have a code, that I live by that code which are my commandments set out by god (that "god" is my self) and as such they are unquestionable.

I do not mean you any harm, and even if you refused my offer of friendship, which I would completely understand as I am a bit fucking nuts and often overly intense... I would not be capable of seeing you any other way than worthy, as I have seen it in you and thus it is true. I know also, that I am a good judge of a person and as such I do not in any way dough my judgement so there is no use in arguing with me about that point.

You should go to the bar with me. :)