to my rubies

Part 1 : My lost lover

As I lay here,
Sitting straight,
looking far past the keystrokes and monitor glow,
I dream of your release...
I dream of your cold iron taste...
I dream of the places you will take me.
I dream of you wraping up all the darkest moments and leaking them out,
Of freedom,
I dream.

I dream of the smooth cool curve of you,
The weight and force of you upon my paper skin.
And even when I whisper..
We must stop this,
We can not keep seeing each other like this... 
Here you come to cradle me.
Here you come to hold me down.
Here you come to shatter the recovery of you.
Here,
In this dream of you my bitter bladed lover,
there is no freedom.

As I live here,
shadowed in the smell of you,
falling deep past the seat of my chair,
I dream of your release...
I dream that you are kind to me.
I dream that you are soft to me.
I dream that you do not melt into me as tho I was made of air.
I dream you are gone now,
set loose of the chains of older memories.
Remember,
This precious kiss was always poison.



Part 2 :  remember forgotten 

And then the cold pain runs into my finger tips...
And then,
I remember the price I paid.
The price I pay still and ever in ruby tears.
The Shame and disappointment this path leads. 
I remember my frailty.
I remember my sin.

I gave it to him,
I gave it away that I would never need to pay the toll again.
I gave it never wanting it back,
And he...
He kept it locked away from me.
Away from my sight. 
And I promissed, never again.
And I...
I who should not,
I who can not...
Promised a lie. 

I did not remember how cold it was outside.
I did not remeber how thin paper skin breaks in the ice,
I did not recall the kingdom of my birth.
And for that,
I fell weak and paid the toll.

I had forgotten the need,
as tho I never needed that pain.
I had forgotten to remember the shame that comes.

And there, in the confession internal tolls were paid.
I could not hold on to it,
It's a sickness didn't seem to ease my need,
or justify my actions.


Part 3 : I am not

who am I that I thought I could run forever?
legs made of steal,
body made of brass,
veins full of semiprecious stone...
skin made of paper,
hear made from ink,
lips made of regret.
who am I that I thought I had any stregth left,
that I would never fall,
that I would never fail...
that I, the weak sinner could know reform.
I do not know it,
I never have.
I have only hid here in shadow form,
waiting to leak back in and grey out the technicolor of the world.

and now,
with eyes made of frozen tears
I stand before my self
the re-reverberation of old echoes
I am not what I thought I was.
I am not strong enough to escape.
I am not fast enough to run.
I am not clever enough to outwit my daemons. 


I can not be free from this addiction.


Part 4 : controll

It is in chaos that I lay my bed.
It is the fluid truth,
the existence of only now
that I respect.
I am the god who sits on his cold chair.
I am the withdrawn watcher in lokies court. 
I am nothing if not calculated lifeless control.

and it,
like a sweet toxin on my lips proves it.
It proves my control
with its seductive lie.

How, how can I
I of all creatures so cold,
so precise to know the smell of a lie
that even smelling and seeing and hearing your lie scream,
believe it in every second of my flesh.
How is it that one inhale
one lie
one small line of you carved into my books,
my pages,
my skin...
brings all other things under my sway.
Under your sway, as mine
mine was ever yours.
and all was a lie.

A lie of control I am bound in,
feeling the truth pour from me.
Knowing always the deception. 

Part 5 : alive

I feel nothing but disapointment from him
I feel nothing but shame
I should have never given in
I should have born the flame
I should have left his eyes to see
the false and broken lie
That I would never fall again
That I would never die.

I feel like the world is spining
I feel like my time is gone
I feel like I never should have,
any of the things I've done.

I feel like the pain is leaking
it smears my eyes in fear
I feel like I dont know how long ive made it
I dont think i'll last another year.
I don't want to keep going
if my mind can never rest
I dont want to feel so empty
not a soul or heart below my breast.

I feel you withdrawing
I feel old habbits slipping in
I feel that there is no begining
and so there is no end.
This circle I keep repeating, 
I can not escape the fate.

I will ever wonder and stray from my dream
I will ever falter and fall and cry and scream.
I will ever be missing,
lacking,
void of steam.
I will ever want to be more that you have seen.
and still I will be
as I have always been
alive and still made of dead paper skin
not full of blood or air or bones
built of rubies, dreams and stones.
I am not a man, or a woman I should say
Instead I am a broken golem who cant continue this way. 


Part 6 : scars 

One day, when I am old
when my skin is brittle
and my eyes hold all of the untold,
one day, when I look back
I will remember always the things I regret.

I will regret the day I disappointed you,
I will regret the days long before you know,
I will remember in touch
the pain I repressed,
the feeling and confusion and emotional mess.

One day, when I am old
these scars will be all I have
they will keep me warm at night,
they will wrap their arms around my back.

One day I will be nothing more of paper and ink
I will be only the tearing edges that
prove my control,
and prove I am weak.


Part 7: to my rubies 


to my rubies who pay the price of my pain
to my rubies who leak from my arms, and my legs
to them who have only ever been the ones who are there for me
through out all time and all know memory
to those who willingly pay up my tolls
to they who taste of iron 
of age and of woe
to them who course roughly under paper skin
that i will never live a full life because of them.
to those things which I can not deny
your truth rings our so deep in your lie.
I am never much
I am not at all
I am ever falling for the darkest longest fall.
I will not see light, 
save the light that comes to me
for i a broken winged
dead birds have always been so beautiful to me.

to my rubies for who I owe my debts
to them which have loved me
and them which I long to forget
I will ever need you
and you will ever be me,
this is the reality of the insanity and deprived nature
you long ago set free.