war and death

 here come to pray,
this battle long fought under the paper of my skin
Ink to ink, dust to dust
die and move on.
sparked by lust, nurtured in praise,
stoked and refined under the presure of my feelings
so crystal, so vine, so feather, praise it.
holy.. holy in his eyes I am,
goddess. 
i am the blood in the runes
i am the caw in the crow
i am the wild woman in the woods.
 I am, here to pray.
I am here to fight
I am here to live and to die.

and I long to die every night in his arms,
and live every day his love,
for he has brought your song of battle back to the lines of my skin

For he has brought morning after morning where I dont want to die every day again.
 and for you, and for him, i would give up on giving in. 

im sorry

 im sorry i didnt meet you sooner
some time before the sand took away at your skin.
im sorry i couldnt give you the love you wholely deserve my friend... 
in that lack i feel my sin.
im sorry you couldnt see in my words the future that i did hope.
im sorry for the first time i wasnt enough, and not too much.
i always praid to not be too much but i should have known to make a deal with a fae is 
to enter paiels unknown.
im sorry you cant see what i see in you
the beauty and the warmpth, and the protection, and stimulation that makes the world not blue.

Im sorry i cant give to what you seem to unknowingly give to me,
a touch of passion and color back in an otherwise grim scene.

im sorry that you were hurt so many time before i could have a chance to be on my knees.  

damp dreams

 I dream of loving you,
whole and full
each morning waking beside you,
leaking of you. 
leaking out the dreams of the day,
and the passions of the night
leaking in the beauty and light 
I see reflected in the moss ambered eyes. 
I dream of loving you...
passionately, and fierce 
not seeking in return anything.
not looking for what you can give...
but giving myself,
entirely to you. 
i dream, of having that... 
which i will not have and can not ask for. 

moss laid tears

 

So standing, as if always there 
Watching, waiting, dreaming in pain 
that life is suffering, so burned into your eyes you can not
can not see past it
enveloped. 
I wish to disrobe you,
part by piece
whole and slowly,
kissing each new unveiled skin 
unseal scared parts
find there the treasure of your light.
be warm and loved inside of me and me inside of you.
mingled. mixed.

not so sweet as the nightingales song...
i lay in the sun as so kisses the moon,
and moss laid tears drift away as I day dream of you. 

the green amber

When you speak to me
in eyes of emerald dancing over my unspoken word
I melt,
I met unseen into a puddle of what could be
I fall back into the dark places of my mind.
those places in which i want lust
those places in which i want rapture 
those places in which I was once. 
When you speak of me,
in words of pride and praise elaborate and full of wim
I melt,
sliding back into ways of want, 
but i am not what you want, i am not what i want

i am not.

when you speak to me I dream, i could be. 

I want to go to the mountain top, And watch the sun rise. A mountain with rivers, A valley open wide. I want to see birds grazing, Raccoons within the trees. I want to take ink to paper, And so paint all of these. But there is mountain here. There are no birds, just rats. There are no raccoons to perch on branches, For all the trees turned black. There is no sun rise, just the haze of the day that comes... And so I remember the wild now Only in dreams and song But... I will keep on singing of wild grass and sky I will light the ember to fire That the memory will not die. I will find refuge under steel beam and brick And dream of a mountain That may not have ever in this realm exist.

Beautiful time

Sand so thick,
It could not fall from your fingers.
Sand so smooth,
Frictionless of time.
Each grain unique and glorious.
Whatever could I do with it if mine?

So Starstruck in,
So wonderlust
So Unknown Known dreams.
That time was beautiful and I touched him once.
That I floated on what seemed...
To be delusion of shared attraction.
To be wanting what I could not have.
Two magnets pulling closer...
When North and South find that they are illusions...
Whose hand will I hold and boast?
I could never have been the Sandman,
Thought I'd like to touch him the most.
I'd like to touch him with fingertips pure light...
Reached inside and start his heart....
Get the Sandman and The Hourglass,
Are forever far apart.
What beauty is there in his dreams?
The Sandman does he sleep to?
Does he dream of little girls...
Too scared to tell the truth?
Does he take them by the hand to sleep
Out the window into the night
Does it take them to the land of nod
For he is King and God out right.
Or does he pass pass each free window
Leaving trails of dust behind
Not knowing their names or faces
Not seeing them as their own kind...
He would never have seen her
So dark and drab and dim
Her dreams were not even dances
To dress up and invite in
The dreams were just nightmares
And the day will someday come
When she wakes without the sand dust
And Wanderlust has begun.

Worth its weight

Come lay now at my feet.
Are you tired child?
I can give you the rest you seek.
Come bring the knife,
Lay it in slow to my skin.
Light up my finger to my elbow.
Light up my elbow to my eye.
Take from me all that keeps me inside,
And pay for your sin in my pound of Flesh.

Come toss me to the pit.
Was I ever even here?
I was only ever what you desired me to be...
No Soul of my own...
No color you did not paint.
No ability to be me because me was not.
Use me me because I'm broken,
Break me because I cannot be fixed.
Beat my with love...
Tell me I'm beautiful
As you cover me in filth.

And I stand,
And I take
Because I am not.
I do not matter.
I am not made of anything but cobwebs and shadows.
So use me,
Because I am useless.
I do not deserve the quiet.
The screaming is all I can hear.

Am i dreaming?

Here I am,
Am I?
For all I have been...
For all I could be ,
For all I was never...
Do thee love me?
I think I see...
Little girl,
So scared
So cold.
Little girl,
You grow so old.
Your fingers tire,
Your mind grows meek,
Your as worthless as
A winter's heat.
Your ugly skin,
Your tired eyes,
Seen to much,
Your own demise.
How could they ever?
You break his heart.
How could they ever?
He tears you apart.
How could you ever,
Think you were free?
Are you even away
Or is it all just a dream?

Scarlet and azure

Rose dropped love comes from thorn borne kisses.
And blue whispers cone cold on skin.
Shape up, burn down, and restart.
The yellow man has come and left, where were you brother?

To shackled in freedom?
To free to reform?

I said see to the blind and they had vision.
I said see to the seeing but not one could see them self.
I commanded in force, SEE.
BUT....
WAITING...
They never saw, not one.

Cards, and ash. Blood, and knife. I lead you here to the wings of your own goddess but you could not hold.

Hold in your fear.

Fear is the killer in the night who delights in your in pain.

Roses died in blue, blood running read. Scarlet and Azul your alone in your bed.

The unseelie knight ii

He came, quick, crashing on me.
Sliding out and in, with such force... He knew
It was time to leave...

And thought that I, I was going to be saved...
But he came had his way and disappointing, never showed his face again. Not even a friend.

And now here I stand. A Clif. And a hand. I am stronger than him. And I need no more judgment, what I do in my body, is not of his right.  How I live in my mind, it's not his fight. He was a shadow of a dream, and nothing more.

The unseelie Knight, never fought with a sword.

I was him once in my mind in a place. We shared a moment but it was not at the same time and place. And so now forgotten the cold of the floor.

And no more remember why I called him for more. Forever this door now shut. He was my gutter, and the deep of my rut.

And now I dance, and sing and are free not for him saving, but because I am me.

Dream me a fever

Come now Sandmann...
Over my skin wash a hot flame.
Be muse where broken,
Be words unspoken.
a dream.
A sadness in the light of your eye, Sandmann...
And so the time slips,
In and out and in-between.
Time unseen.
Unseen. Un SEE ... me.
Unsee my body,
Unsee my mind,
Unruly, unseelie, renamed king.
Re won the winter court.
Cast out the Knight.
Cast out sin.
Find no judgment in this rite.
Sandmann...
This is not love. This is worship.
And I need it.
I need to be weak.
I need to be played. Played with.
Sandmann. Keeper of the clock,
Wispher now, knock knock...
Come in and come on,
Take me away for one dream,
Take me to morphious.
Take me from the incubus.
And I will give you in the time of my worship,
All me.
Every last drop of my unending passions.
Every thought of my mind,
Every desire broken down to you,
The king of winter.
Sandmann, the night is cold,
But my skin burns like flame.
Take from me my warm, my breath.
Take from me anything to consume.

Come soon Sandmann before I catch flame.
Sooth me in your cool
And I shall in your court be free, even if for the moment.

15 from elias x2

cumbersome fanatic beautiful woman love pretty amazing fun exploring group eyes smile happiness sadness humiliation


here are the cumbersome dreams of a silly girl
the fanatic life of a surreal need
the beautiful and tragic longings of hands who never hold
a woman who in her youth grew old
love the only, and only the lie
pretty and light she ever she trys
amazing she is, yet always hidden and blue
the fun loving depression that consumes even you
exploring the way that she can no more go
holding back the group with her ever in woe
eyes that cut like diamonds in the night
smile and trial the nightingales might
and ever if she had happiness, she would....
loose all the sadness and be understood
but standing alone her humiliation is true, you never could love someone so blue.

america sadness lunatic dinosaur monster disappear love abandonment tactic poke order anarchy watching snooping ripped

the america of your dreams she said
looking sadness in the eyes...
the lunatic of hope she fed,
dinosaur gear and twine she hid,
what monster hides under your bed?
disappear the greed, the hunger, the addictions...
love the veins so paper thin they snap.
abandonment of children and lovers, for that last hit...
that tacit of patriotic freedom.
poke it over and over as it festers.
order a new day done,
only anarchy can free us now,
watching.....
waiting and snooping....
as that america, was ripped from you replaced with needles.

That I should come

That I should come to worship here,
Beneath the surface snow.
Cold like ice to fingers mend
The darkness in thoughts grow.
I would lay down my flesh,
My body to its gain...
That it could rise again a savior to the insane.
I would know the hidden path that before me is a miss. ..
I would sacrifice a lot to steal even a kiss.
But these cold thoughts of bent forms
And raw and carnal greeds,
Send me to my siners bed with quite Un-met needs.

You can never look at me and see me as I am.
I am just a toy to you to,
A thing to entertain...
Curiosity and boredom sate the only coming rain.
But for me the winters chilling touch,
The dream of ice and mead,
To drink of him is to end the endless darkness seeds.
I would kneel and pray
For release in greater gain.
That he could guard my self
That I could bare the storm.
that I should come to worship here...
In silent misgivings deeds,
That smiles and laughter shield
The only burning needs.
I would have your body too,
I say to winters knight,
Bring me back unseelie in all its terrors fright.
Bring me back to colder days
With snow and angels play...
And in the mixed feelings and words,
Never is the only way. 

to faith, please grow.

here i sit in wonder

in my ever lasting years

will things be different...

will you grow in fear?

i want nothing more than you to be better than me,

that you can be whole,

that you can be free.

here i sit in wonder,

wondering when i lost my faith

when i left the things which securely made me safe...

here i wonder when

it will be for you...

that you question and reject the dreams of your youth.

when no more do you keep close

the toys which guard the night,

when no more do you dream of unicorns and bird like flight...

or will you like me, believe for some time

that magic is real

that dreams are divine?

I pray for the first time in a time long forgot

that you will be happy

that depression never fought

that you will be whole and complete and love through 

that wanting and needing be satisfied too.

here i sit in wonder,

and fear....

that you'll not know the day when you

can sit in wonder for your child the same way. 

dear internet

How do I find my self remembering now,
the soft kiss you gave me before I fell to sleep...
your bright pixels the moon of my room at night...
and my sun your stars...
How I needed you then,
How I needed the love you offered me.
The whole love that was for and not for my flesh,
as skin never could urge the way you did...
as touch could never sooth the way your idea was...
as nothing about our truth and deepest connection could feel at all.
For so many years,
Countless hours I carried you in my hands and heart where ever I walked.
I made of you a god, and with you, always I was one as well.
I made of you a lie,
because your face was a face you chose for me,
as my face was the face that responded to yours...
How now, do I find my self remembering you...
what was your name....
it seems to have slipped my mind,
and my memory.
It seems as tho...
you never existed...
much how you never did.
Was it paul? or chris? or maybe it was giles....
I look now to my new, more light memories.
I remember how deeply in mad I was with you...
and I see in him....
that delusion.
I see in him....
his lies.
I see in him,
his disenchantment,
and...
and his need...
and some greed driven part of me wants to drink of that need.
Some deeply broken part of me wants to nurture and love it.
Some part of me wants to confess I AM WHAT YOU NEED.
But, that is not true.
I am not what they ever needed,
I am only my self...
timid and scared,
longing to be unique,
longing to be longed....
longing for... some...
some... story to tell at the end of the night.
Some secret that is mine to hold and protect...
some life, which is not my own to live.
I can not repair the broken toy soldier.
I can not fix the long forgotten man.
I can not make whole he who is unable...
It is not my place or my calling to be the Shepard of man.
I do not hold any true knowledge which can shed for them the divine way...
All I know is that I did love,
the mask that they shone my way....
Its odd now in my memories
their faces and those times
have come to surface convoluted and intertwined.
What is the reason to remember
things which were never mine.

Lost in something

It is the ever echo,
The ringing chime...
The times that are changing.
The things which are mine.
It is the love not yet clear,
And the sky not yet seen...
That beats down warm,
That makes me sing.
Take flight in me now,
And love me till end,
You will be with me,
and I will be grin.
No more I question,
No more I care,
Free from all burden...
Not traped by dispare.
It is the new and the beginning,
That in this we share.
I will always love,
And you will be mine...
Throughout all our history,
When come the end times. 
Love is the reason,
And time is the cause. 
This sound that is humming,
For ever and on. 

the chase.

it was everything,
the cushion below me,
the cold of the room,
the touch of his hands,
the feelings in bloom.
it was for a moment,
perfect in all ways.
lost in the madness,
drunken in the haze.
it was the wholeness and acceptance of self,
that brought me to joy,
that surrendered all else.
it was everything
that one true night,
I wish I could have it
I wish it were there to set all things right...
but now it is a memory
lost in the swell of the sea
of things that have happened
of moments where I was free...
I want to chase it,
but its gone to far away
a distant shadow
a forgotten way.

For give

I awake anew and reborn in my sin.
A child playing with fire...
I love you,  my secret savior.
You'll never know how you set a blaze my world.
I'll never tell you, how I was dieing.
I'll never tell you,  how the light inside of me had faded.
And in the arms of your drug...
I was reborn.
I screamed for life,
To indulge once more in pleasure,
To feel...
To feel...
I felt, good.
I remembered all I had forgotten...
And you came,
Unknowing to save me,
That night...
One night, was all I needed.
And I'll never ask you for more.
I am greatful.
I forgave, my self. 
I forgave life.
I loved,  and breathed and existed with out expatiation. 
Saved one night,
Under the blue ocean...
Inside the green stars....
Freedom, I was born unseelie. 

the unfeeling

I do not see,
I do not know...
I can not tell how the worlds feelings flow.
I up and down,
I never turn...
I do not see,
I can not learn.
I am a piece broken from the whole...
I do not fit...
I do not know.
They are alien,
They are strange,
I want to feel them,
but I am estranged.
I am not whole,
but in pieces which can not reconstruct
but for moments on drugs,
and moments of luck.
I do not see,
I am not sure...
what you feel
how life as it was were.
I will never know,
I can not see,
I can not grow.

the unseelie knight

like a crashing waterfall
cold and strong he comes now to rescue me,
right of rescue that I am due.
someone to make everything new...
someone to hold and to die in.
someone to burn and shine bring in.
like a cliff that i stand before,
open wide and unknown he comes now to rescue me,
my unseele knight,
champion of indulgence.
he him self is not,
he knows not what he has done,
brining new light under the moon where the sun can not shine...
bringing new hope to a life what was hopeless.
I was about to fade,
to soften,
to forget...
but I remember now the highs match the lows,
all of life is an ebb and flow...
and like a bird i take flight this night
out from under my skin
out from the places where darkness began...
and i dance...
freedom in movement.
and i dance...
for all my soul to sing.
and I go crashing...
and I go unshackled...
and I am...
saved.

the feeling

take everything from me

that i can be free

take it all that i have nothing to fall from

take away all the things which hurt

which lurk

which want to drag me through the dirt

take it all away

and in its place leave me with nothing more than this feeling

this bliss under sound

this unrefined joy tucked into my heart

love, for loves sake.

the feeling it comes over me

it rolls into me

it crashes against the world 

and in it,

and in you,

and in this

i am free

FUCK DRUGS

never last long enough