What is it that I am, but a sinner and a thief.
Samsara
is for Buddhists who choose to dedicate them selves to truth, one
unchangeable unbendable truth and find out that truth is liquid.
The only truth of these things is locked somewhere to far away to ever know, so then we can only have this moment. And days from now when we try and remember, we will remember distorted, so in this moment which is all we have remember the bitter truth that this to will in seconds be a lie.
If home is where the heart is, I must lack a heart. If
I have no heart, how could I love, how could I hate, How could I cry
how could anything that I do so naturally? If home is what I seek could I
not just return from where I come from? Where I came from now is so lost and deluded in false feelings and thought that it is ever gone to me. The memories of a joyful youth and sorrowful expansion may all just be illusions of a dotted existence. How could I love, how could I hate how can I cry? In a simple mockery of this thing they call emotion I dance and jest. The most supreme actor, and I wonder am I alone in this play? In 5 weeks exactly I have been in Albany for a year. I have all ready missed my run, as it is always at same time, clockwork. If
I seek to see the math, if I seek to find the pattern in what I am
naturally, If I seek to find my self should I change my patterns or simply how I see my self in them and then change my self? What am I to change, to change would I have needed to know what I am. To know my self, must I not look back on the events that brought me here, and if my memory is inaccurate then is my View of self a lie as well? Then if this is true can one change nothing? I have not disappeared; the large sum of money I am spending to make my migraines go away is what has kept me here. If
I seek only to sustain my self, food and shelter, then am I not freer
than I have ever been dreaming of white picket fences in other people’s
yards? If I deny my dream, the thoughts I have seeking betterment, am I giving in, being complacent? There is a part of me that cries from under my skin for the truth of life I find when I run, when I wonder. There
will always be some part of me that seeks the new, that seeks the
birth, the creation of life. There will always be some part of me that
wants to know the world. I believe I am a child of my times, A child. I
believe that I have seen the wonders of different cultures and different
peoples and different languages and religions and rights and wrongs through the digital God. And I find now, worshiping at that digital gods temple things are no so far from my reach. There is a world I desire and dream to know, there is a place where I want to hide out in the rivers and out in the forest. I want to know a world more beautiful than this. I want to wake be be joyed, I want to rest and have fulfillment. I do not want to wait forever and to found I have died here in this place i despise. How do you define your self, how do you know you are strong, how do you know anything at all. You
know when you test your self. You know you are when you believe it to
be true. You know it more when you forget and you have been reminded. I remember. So long I have searched for the answers to these questions, and so many others. And
perhaps I will search forever, and perhaps I simply need to decide for
my self that I know and stop searching, but now is not the time for
that. Now the time is coming, and I must decide what I am, who you are. Where life is going. Now is the pinical of all things in the world, in my mind, in my choice. I can make this what I want, I can want what this is or I can change. How can I change, and who am I? Is there a god, am I loved, does life have meaning… Perhaps the only meaning in life, is what we as humans what we as animals give it.
What
I know today to be true, what I see tomorrow could be different,
Perhaps the only truth to be had is what I believe in today, Knowing
that truth is liquid… knowing and accepting the random and intentional
change of my truth, all truth. It is time to grab these reigns of chaos and run charge into something, collide and hope the pieces of it turn out beautiful, I am all the meaning I will ever need. All the
many questions of my mind and of general existence will never be
answered, but what little truth I have known I have known in the moments
of my run. I have known truth
only through chaos, so chaos so far has been my only truth. The only
thing that I know is that tomorrow things may be different. Tomorrow Is
the only absolute and it is always undiscovered. Tomorrow you may not love me, tomorrow I may not love my self. You even in your words can not say. There is no guarantee. Nothing is promised, only my own mind only my own self.. who is that. I have seen the worse and the best of life, I live in a quarter million dollar house, I do not need for anything, I
have seem the worst in the best of life, I have been idle in my mind, I
have been accepting to the ins and outs of what I should desire, and In
all truth I have no love for things that are not soaked in
unpredictably. A story who’s ending can be guessed at is not one worth
telling, so then it is not worth living. I do not know where I might be
in 3 years, 3 months, 3 days, 3 hours, 3 minuets from now from this very
moment. And, that truth is beautiful, that truth excites me. I am no
longer afraid of what is unknown. I no longer think I need to know to
move forward. Someone a few days ago told me an old Russian proverb that
went something as follows “the only thing worse than walking down the
wrong path is to keep going on it.” I choose to follow the path of
today, and so I will never be on the wrong path for long. And here I am still, and now my body screams for the change, it screams for the wanderlust I was born in. It screams for the sake of screaming. Will you come with me, out into the unknown and live a life dripped in uncertainty? Will you stop asking, stop looking and just jump? Will I ? Can I still, I have before, thats how I got here. Its time for a change. there is nothing here in this house to make it my home however. I was born in San Diego California,
which is not my home I do not remember it I did not even live there a
year. I have lived in Texas, Washington state, Organ, California, BC,
Louisiana, West Virginia, Hawaii, New York, and probably other places
which I am forgetting to list, and in all of them I have not a home. I
have found a home more than I ever could have believed to be true. I
have found something to love, and I have seen how it could be eternal. And in this failed love, and I find new, like always like ever my hear was broken and then repaired. It is this strength I have never forgotten. the strength of the cold who never cry. I have felt home in only a few moments of my life... I
know, what I have not ever until yesterday and the days before it, I
know that tomorrow the roots may be ripped away from me, but today I
have it and tomorrow I can remember I did so it’s possible to have it
again. It is not home I was ever seeking, but my self through the memory of home. I have felt real and alive only in moments that could break a person. I
have been dead, bound by my laws bound by what I though I should be. I
have been ugly because I have felt ugly, I have been Stupid because I
have felt less than others, I have imposed others views on my self, and
In many ways I still do, but I can see now that that dose not matter, I
am as beautiful, and smart and god like as I Choose to be. Yet I can not chose to love how I dream I should. Have you almost died before? Yes. I could be dead 5 minuets from now so what is worth anything more than the happiness of now? The
air smells so sweet right after you almost die; you suck it into your
lungs holding on to it never wanting to be parted from it, never
threatened in never smelling it again. This memory of death, again is corrupted. I must cast it out to remember life. I
lived in fear, I am fearless. I see no end so I have no end to fear. I
see only that things might change and it might be good and it might be
bad, but regardless there will always be tomorrow. Maybe not for me but,
maybe that dose not matter. Tomorrow is to far away to be known, instead now is all there ever was. Have you ever been hungry? Yes, I have hungered for love, truth, acceptance, understanding and conformity. I ate until I was bloated on these things, and still now full in them the wanderlust screams. Not
hungry because you were to lazy to make food, not hungry because you
don’t get paid for 3 more days and all you have left is peanut butter…
the kind of hungry I mean it is the hunger you feel when you have no
home, Home is an illusion, and so is hunger. I now know what it means to sate my self. I forgot what it was to sate the need. when you are someplace strange to you and you must rely solely upon the kindness of strangers, you must rely on chance. You must rely on cunning. it is in this hunger you under stand how beautiful the world is, you understand how things are out of and entirely in your control You understand nothing and after food will always taste better. You will think that it has greater taste but your memory is flawed and this to is a lie. And
in this sating my hungers is a good way to pass the time. In this I see
that tomorrow my sources for happiness for debate for stimulation for
food and for shelter may be moved, and I will need to find them again
and I will always have them inside my self If I can learn to change
things. its been a year and still every time I eat I want to cry because I know how lucky I am to have food to eat. I cried because I though I should, I do not now. Tears
are often wasted in a time of drought, though I had enough money to
provide me food and to provide me shelter, I would rather again starve
than to think and dwell on what was than to look to tomorrows change. I will stop looking and exist. Have you known fear? Real pure fear, fear for your very existence and kept going? I
know now, that I must learn to fear nothing. And that when I do I might
be more complete, I might be more insane, but I will be something
different and still the same, or perhaps it will change nothing. Only
tomorrow or tomorrows tomorrow will know and I am not there yet. I have learned nothing worth knowing. I have, and it is why I have never tried to kill my self. But not why I never will. And it has not kept me from thinking. I know, I know that there is nothing in this world that can stop me; There is, and it is only my self and my mind. I know I can survive because I always have. I know I can survive because I still am, I do not know when that will stop, but frankly I do not care. So long as I am alive I must keep living. That knowledge is more of a comfort that any god, lover or friend I have ever had. Knowledge
is the best God, the most sacred friend and the source of many peoples
fear, and I hope one day not the source of mine. Why, why do I run, because I have no choice. I run because I can and because it excites me. I run because the constant new stimulus has brought me here. I run because I was born this way, because at my core the single thing i can not be is my wanderlust. Because, I do not deny my heart, Because I will not deny my own will. because somewhere I must have a home.. Because there are 1000 undiscovered homes. Because I have to know, and find the places i dream. Because no drug, illegal or otherwise will ever make me feel as alive as I feel when I find freedom in my wanderlust.
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